Monday, January 18, 2010

Melanie's Story

My husband and I were thrilled to learn that were going to have a baby! We couldn't even believe it! The first couple weeks after finding out were kind of unreal. I know it was pretty much the only thing I could think of! I was constantly worried the first few weeks, but after I reached the eight week mark, I started to really feel confident. I would search the internet to see how my baby was growing day by day. When I hit ten weeks I read somewhere that, "once you reach the end of this week you can breathe a big sigh of relief," and I thought, "whew! I can make it!" The next day, my sister, her boyfriend and her friend came to spend the week with us for their college spring break. As we stood around talking, I could feel something literally pouring out of me, so I ran to the bathroom and I was bleeding heavily. Immediately I thought I was having a miscarriage. I called my husband at work, and he said to call my midwife. I had no cramps, just bleeding, and a couple hours later the bleeding stopped. My midwife told me that unless I went to the emergency room, there really wasn't anything to do but wait, and that even if I did go to the ER, they wouldn't be able to do anything if I were miscarrying. So I waited. I did not sleep that night. I only prayed, all night, that God would protect my little baby. The next morning was a Sunday, and the hospital lab said they would be able to do a blood test to check my hCG. My level was far above the normal range. My midwife felt fairly confident that I could have "vanishing twin," because I had no cramping and such high hormone levels. My mom had the same thing with me, so I was pretty sure that's what it was. I went to church that night and felt pretty good. The next morning I went in for an ultrasound to make sure everything was OK. My husband and I were so excited. We were going to see our first child for the first time! I just knew everything would be fine. My midwife met us there and we went into that tiny ultrasound room. I was SO excited when I saw that little perfect looking baby. But the room was silent. the radiology technician kept looking and checking, and I began to notice that my little baby wasn't moving. It just looked like it was sleeping so peacefully. Then, there was no denying it when I saw the flat line went across the bottom that I knew was supposed to show the heartbeat. My husband thought everything was great when he saw the baby, but then when our midwife put her hand on his shoulder, he knew something was wrong. And then those words that tore my heart out, "There is no heartbeat." A radiologist came in to confirm, and I prayed they had been wrong, but I knew they weren't. The placenta still showed activity and the baby was about the size it should have been which indicated that our baby had died just recently - the night I was bleeding. Our midwife told us, "This is your child. This is your first baby. When you're ready you may want to think of a name." I don't remember what else she said, but I was so comforted that she felt just as we did, that this was our precious baby. My sister and friends were in the waiting room, and my husband and I ran out of the hospital and waved them outside, which is where we told them. We then called our parents. I needed their prayers, and I know they all prayed for us continually. I had my hCG levels checked right after, and they had dropped significantly. My body knew it was over.
I did not know what to do next. Wait to miscarry naturally or have a D&C? I prayed that the Lord would show me what I should choose. The next day I met with a doctor who performs the D&C. She told me that if I waited to miscarry naturally it could take over two weeks and that I would still have a fifty percent chance of needing the D&C in an emergency situation. I knew that I could not wait and wait, and then start to heal emotionally and then miscarry and feel that I was going through it all over again, and then still have the chance of surgery. The Lord showed me that FOR ME the D&C was the right, safe choice.
We called our pastor and asked him to tell the church on Wednesday during prayer meeting. My husband and I were working with the children in the back, but my sister said he couldn't make it through the prayer request without crying. It meant so much to us that our church was so sympathetic and comforting. It all felt unreal, but I was able to have happy times with my husband, sister and friends, and we all talked about it all the time. I think that helped a lot, just to be able to talk about everything and not bottle it up. I felt such peace that I would not have believed possible. I even experienced the joy of the Lord, which I also did not think would have been possible. I had just told my husband that I couldn't understand this peace that the Lord had given me. And then my dad called and left a message that he was praying for "the peace of God which passeth all understanding," and when I heard that, I said, "Wow! That's it! That's what I have!" I had been experiencing it, without putting 2 and 2 together and realizing that's what God was talking about!
When we went to the surgery center for the D&C early Thursday morning, I sobbed to my husband in the car on the way there, "I know our baby is in heaven, but it's also still right here inside of me and it's hard to let it go." The Lord gave me strength. The surgery went perfectly, the pathology reports came back fine. The Lord took care of me, and I didn't have to go through labor, which I was very thankful for.
Through the whole experience God's hand of love and comfort was so apparent. He made sure all the "circumstances" lined us and He led all the right people to us. There are two midwives that work interchangeably, but the one on call that week was the one who had experience miscarriage herself and was able to share that with me. The radiology technician was so kind, I am overwhelmed. He treated us like how we felt, like we were the only ones. I know he has to deal with this often, but he treated us like this was a tragedy, not an common occurrence. The next day when we were in the hospital for a doctor's appt, he saw us from down the hall and waved. We weren't just a number to him, we were people. A week later I realized I needed those ultrasound pictures. Immediately after seeing them, I wished I hadn't, because I thought it made it harder, but a week later I wanted them and i thought it would be too late. Our midwife called the hospital for us and they had those precious pictures, still. They mean more to me that you could imagine. I look at them over and over. I believe it was a gift from the Lord that we were able to get them. When we picked them up, the radiology technician was there. He gave us hugs and told us he knew he'd see us again and it would be better. The Lord knew we needed HIM to be our technician. We needed that personal touch. The doctor that I saw, who did my D&C, was the one who "just happened" to be on call that day when we needed to meet with someone. We were immediately comfortable with her. She never rushed us. She answered all our questions so honestly and she offered us such encouragement. Also, she worked so well with our midwife. Our midwife told us that the doctor kept her updated every step of the way. Every time someone would tell me what I needed to do next, and who I needed to call next, they already had called ahead, so that everyone I talked to already knew what was going on and I didn't have to repeat my story over and over. The lab workers, nurses, everyone treated us personally. I've heard other people say they were treated as a number, but we were not ever treated like that. The Lord had all the right people in line for us. Also, my sister and her friends being with us was a huge blessing. The made us meals and provided us with rays of sunshine.
My husband and I have never been closer. He is my support and my love. The night after our ultrasound, I cried off and on all night. Every time I cried, he put his arms around me, or squeezed my hand, and I could hear him snoring. He knew just what I needed even while he slept! When I felt so broken that I could not even stand, he held me and prayed with me and cried with me. The Lord always gave him the right words to say and I could have never made it without him. I love him more than I could ever express.
We decided to follow our midwife's advice and name our baby. The due date was Oct 2, 2009. That is my husband's and my favorite time of year. We love to camp in the Tetons and enjoy the beauty of the aspen trees' changing leaves. I have a picture of us from Oct 2 of last year standing at Ox Bow Bend of the Snake River with aspen trees in all their glory and the majestic Tetons behind us. So, we named our baby, Aspen. Not only because of the time of year, but because the aspens are so beautiful and brilliant when their leaves change in the fall, but it lasts only a short while and we're left with the vivid, glorious memory. That's how our little Aspen was. Aspen was with us for such a short while, but it was a beautiful and glorious time, and we will have wonderful memory forever.
Now I'm still in the healing process. My mom had given me the book, "In God's Hands: Death in the Womb," years ago to help me understand what a coworker was going through. I dug that book out and read it, and it gave me such comfort. It was so comforting to know that others had made it through similar experiences and had relied on the Lord to do so. It was also comforting to know the feelings I was having about other women due around the same time as me are normal; it wasn't strange that it hurt so much to be around newborns; feeling especially hurt that so many unwed teens have healthy babies is normal, too. The feeling of emptiness that is so intense is felt by others, also. I was actually relieved that these feelings are normal. It was a relief to know that it's OK to grieve. If I cry, it's OK. It's normal. It's good. I have my ups and downs. I just ran out of a ladies meeting bible study this week because it was on "Loving Your Children," and I could not sit there without sobbing. But it's natural to feel that way and react that way. I don't need to feel bad about it. The Lord has given me strength that I do not have myself, and I trust that His way is perfect and that He loves me. I am so grateful that I will see my little one in heaven someday. What hope! I trust that the Lord will give us healthy children someday, and I know already that I will be more thankful than I ever could have been before.
Thank you again for your book and encouragement.
Love,
Melanie Musson

Samantha's story

Mia Grace JoMarie Harris June 17, 2005....... forever in our hearts!!!
My hubby and I had been wondering for a couple weeks if I was pregnant. We had bought so many tests and they all had come back negative I told him I could not take another so we waited a few more days to see if I would start. I never did so one evening we took the test. It was positive. I was so excited, my hubby was happy to finally know. We told the kids right away. I already had two children an 8 year old boy (mine from another relationship) and a 2 year old girl, that was ours together. My pregnancy with my son had been perfect with my daughter I carried my fluid a little low but nothing to be concerned about. So why wait?? We did not have any history of problems in either of our families. We called everyone that next day. We went to the docs and saw the baby everything was great. The flow in and out of the cord everything was developing great. The heart was wonderful. But I had to have ultrasounds every couple of weeks to just keep and eye on my fluid. I remember the 12 week ultrasound they were so happy with how everything looked. I too breathed a sigh of relief. I had been having strange thoughts I had never had with any of my other pregnancy almost morbid. Every time I saw the heartbeat I was put at rest for my horrible thoughts. I thought this would put an end to it. I had made it past the "dangerous" point and was in my second trimester. If something was going to happen it would have by that point. But no sooner than I got home the thoughts come back only stronger. Really weird ones, like would it be worse to loose a baby in the womb or bring one home and have it die. I thought what kind of question is that to ask myself??!! And how could someone answer that. Neither one was acceptable!! Those thoughts went on for weeks. I would just shake my head and refuse to answer them or even ponder on them! What kind of mother was I to be thinking like this. After all I had no reason to worry. 2 perfect pregnancies no family history of problems and I had made it past my 12 weeks. Shoot at this point I was staring down 20 weeks. Almost 1/2 done!!
I had been so sick this pregnancy and had never experienced this with either of my other pregnancies and kind of excused those thoughts on that. Looking back I know it was God trying to prepare me, but my stubborn self could not except that.
I was 18 and 1/2 weeks it was a summer Thursday night and my son was spending the night at my moms house, and I had just tucked my 2 year old daughter into bed. She was so excited to be getting a sister for her 3rd birthday as they baby was due Thanksgiving day 2 days after her birthday. I read her a book we joked and laughed and had a great time. That was honestly that last time I would feel complete again. I remember that naive feeling of completeness and no worry during pregnancy. I had been shopping earlier that day and bought the baby an outfit, a book to read her in the hospital, and a fish ribbon toy I had found as her nursery was aquatic themed. We had started getting things gathered up and put together as we went along. As we are not rich and can not wait to the last moment to prepare for the baby so we would do a little out of each pay period. We had the play pen the changing table and bouncer seat all in the theme at the house. I had been to the glass store and bought some cute fish for her wall. There was about 5 or six new outfits bought and tons of totes in the attic full of little girl clothes. I had started bringing them down with the crib and it was leaned up against a wall in my hubbies and my room. I walked past all this as I left my daughter after tucking her in. I went downstairs to spend the evening with my husband and stopped by the bathroom on my way. I wiped and looked at the toilet paper. More of my morbid ideas... this time it had happened! There was a slight tinge of pink. I panicked! I called the hospital right away. The OB floor told me this was normal. NOT FOR ME!! I had had two other pregnancies and NEVER had even spotting during either of them. So , I called my OB. He knew this was not normal for me either. I had an appointment Monday, but he did not want to wait that long. He sent me to the ER. I drove myself there. As my hubby had to stay with our daughter and my mom had my son. So I was there alone. They could not find a heart beat but could hear her playing. All the staff in the ER was relieved to hear her playing in there. Now I am a large girl so not hearing a heartbeat was not abnormal as we had not heard it in the OB's office only seen it on ultrasound. So I was not stressed at all. There was movement. I was happy. This meant bed rest. I could live with that, is what was going through my head. They did blood work the ER doc came back in and said I needed and ultrasound that they were keeping me overnight and I would be first in for the ultrasound. I was ok with that, as my OB likes to cover all the basis and I figured this was just on his orders for precaution. The next day they came in my room and started a catheter. I was upset as to why. They said my bladder was not going to be full enough to do an ultrasound so they were going to pump it full to get the shots they needed. Then wheeled me alone to the ultrasound room.
In there they had turned the monitor so I could not see. I was in complete denial. They would not even look at me in there. I tried and tried to get them to say something. Nothing they still could not look at me. Finally I had bent so I could see... there she was my baby. She was in there all was ok... they jerked the monitor around farther so I could not see at all no matter how I tried. There was movement, I had just seen her, and many women bleed during pregnancy. How bad could it be? They wheeled me back to my room. After a while the doc came in and asked if the ultrasound girls had talked to me any, I said NO. He asked if anyone was here to be with me yet and again I said NO, at this point they were all on there way and trying to get someone to be there with me. The doc sat on the edge of my bed and told me my blood work the night before had come back negative, but there was no way to be sure but through an ultrasound and there was no heart beat. The baby had passed. I looked at him and coked my head a little in disbelief, it had to be a sick joke... I looked into his eyes and saw he was being sincere. I screamed. He left the room. I called my mommy screaming for her to get there my baby was dead! I called my best friend at the time and she said it was Gods way of saying we did not need another baby as we could not afford another, it would have been to much a financial strain on all of the family. That was the last I have spoke to her to date.
My hubby walked through the door as they were wanting to wheel me to same day surgery as my OB felt a DNC would be best for me. He did not want to send me home that far along to give birth to my dead baby alone. And as I had a C-section he did not want a chance of rupture. I screamed for everyone to leave the room and my husband held me while I screamed. I never saw him shed a tear until about a year after her death. I was such a mess he never got the chance to be one.
I was in waiting outside of OR when my Ob showed up he held me and cried with us. Finally came the time to decide what to do. My husband and I wanted to bury her. Our OB pulled him aside and told him that would be fine but with a DNC she would not come out looking like a baby and we would never know what happened to her. If we let them send her away we would know what to do for the next pregnancy as they both knew in time I would want to try again. So my husband made the choice to find out what happened. I remember being put under and waking up with a horrible headache and being giving morphine for it. I remember being in recovery still screaming for my baby that they had taken her against my will. I wanted to take her home. They were not her mother! I had what she need at home. The nurses asked me what I had at home for her that was so important as they sedated me, all I could say was "Fish." I know those poor ladies had to of thought I was off my rocker, but everything for her had fish on it at home.
I woke up again in a private room I guess I was to much to handle waking up screaming every few moments in recovery. My hubby was sitting beside me watching Little House on the Prairie. The nurse came in immediately, and asked if she could help I remember feeling the need to go to the bathroom so bad. She helped me stand up. The feeling was more than I could stand I crumbled to the floor sobbing a primal cry. She asked if I was in pain. Yes I shook my head, No I shook my head, then Yes again. How do I explain what I was feeling. There was no physical pain, yet I was in the worst pain of my life! I remember feeling so full of life just moments ago it seemed to me. Feeling my baby move playing and when I stood up there was NOTHING. I felt like a hallowed out chocolate bunny. I had gone from the most full of life feeling any woman will ever feel during pregnancy to seconds later NOTHING! It was and is the worst pain I have ever experience, yet it was all emotional. My husband dismissed the nurse and told her he would help me. I was bleeding in the bathroom. My body had betrayed me and my baby. I was to weak to emotional to bear it all. My husband the best man God could ever give me helped me clean up the proof our daughter was indeed gone. The nurse said I was being dismissed and to wait on transport as I signed the papers. It was more than I could bear again. Somewhere in that building was my daughter, and I had to leave without her. If I thought on it for anytime I would never be able to leave. I told her I was walking out. I could not wait on transport. At that I made haste to get out of there. My husband had to run to catch up to me. I heard the nurse calling to me. And we left.
I walked through the door of our place and there was all her things she would never see. Never get to use. The house seemed so empty even with the other two children there. This was NOT how our homecoming was supposed to be. This was not in my plans! That night I finally passed out and right away the night terrors started. My dreams were sweet. I was holding my daughter I counted her toes. I smelled her hair. I nursed her. She held my finger with her tiny perfect little fingers so pink and cute. She smelled so new and fresh. I felt whole. The kids helped run and get diapers for her. Then I awoke. Into a dark room there was her bed, her quilt I was making her, her fish on the wall, her book I was to read her in our alone time in the hospital, her changing table, and her coming home outfit. I screamed this had to be a nightmare. My husband spent many nights holding me down trying to calm me as I awoke like this. We decided it would be for the best to send the kids away to the grandparent for awhile. He took two weeks off from work, never leaving my side. Everyday after that when he left he made sure I had a sitter, as he was affraid to leave me alone. Had I not had the other two children he would of had cause for consern. But I would never leave my two babies here. I would walk 5 miles every morning and another 5 every night I would spend all day cleaning trying to exaughst myself so I would not wake like that. It never worked. I spent my walks talking with God. I was never mad at him. He is a just and loving God. He never gives one more than you can handle. This was my test. I was failing!!! I knew it. In time the screaming passed God had helped me through it. Next came my human nature trying to rationalize and make since of WHY this happened. I would wake my hubby up sometimes over 20 times a night with the same sentence..."Maybe it was (fill in the blank) I did that killed our baby." He would always answer it was not my fault but I never really believed that. It was not Gods fault, She had been entrusted to me, there was no way any one else could be to blame as she was in my body. So, there for while I would never purposely hurt my child it had to be something I had done and over looked and was now spending all my free time trying to figure it out. Honestly it took me every bit of 2 years of this, before my stubborn bull headed self opened 100% to the Lord and was revealed the verse in the bible that said, Gods ways are not our ways. That we are not to questions Gods ways as he can see the bigger picture. Also, I began to think of Jesus and how God gave him to us to save us. He died and went to Hell. A place my baby will never know. How blessed is that. God did not give me her death on my own, as he had his son die too. God knew what I was feeling. God knew how bad for me it was, would be, and at times still is. Yet, in his big picture her death was better than her living. I must trust that my God knows best. She lived inside me for almost 5 months. I got to bond with that baby love her and know her. No one else did. For that I am blessed. She was here however short, for a purpose. God would never let anyone hurt one of his children and let her leave before her purpose was fulfilled. I know in my heart of hearts that I did nothing but love this little girl and did not wrong to her. Only God can give this peace. Praise his name!!!
My husband and I did go on to have another child, a boy. We named him Quade, it means 4th as he is the 4th child. A way to memorialize his sister who will forever be in our hearts. We love you baby girl!!!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Johanna's Story

I would very much like to share my story. I got your book yesterday and read it in 35 minutes, it was scary how similar our staries are! I just want to tell you it is really nice to have someone to talk to who has been through it and wont judge me. I have no-one (husband excluded, he is my rock) to talk to. No-one I know has been through a miscarriage, so that is really hard. So here
goes.
My husband and I just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on Sept. 9 we have 3 beautiful daughters, Katelyn is 15 (she is from his previous marriage but she lives with us full time) and our two daughters together Madelyn is 5 and Olivia is 2. We got pregnant really easy with Maddie. 6 weeks after our wedding I found out I was 2 weeks along it was a wonderful surprise. We were not so lucky concieving Olivia. It took 2 1/2 years and 8 infertility drugs to get her. So having had so much trouble getting her, we decided to start trying with baby #3 right away. We both come from big families and would like to have a big family ourselves.
It took 22 months and many failed attempts with infertility drugs to see the 2 pink lines. It was June 18th 2006 and I bought a test and sure enough it was positive. So of course I bought 6 more tests just to be sure and they all came back positive. We were thrilled, after waiting so
long I was pregnant and without the use of medicine!!
We told everyone and I started showing right away. I figured I was about 9 weeks along. My periods were always irregular so I guess I didn't noticed I was that late. I felt awesome and I loved the morning sickness because hey, I was pregnant. With my first two pregnancies I NEVER thought of miscarriage but this one was different. I would stand in the shower and wonder how I would deal with a miscarriage if it happened, but I just thought I was being paranoid, I guess it was God's way of kinda preparing me.
June 28th my first prenatal appt. Something was weird when I woke up and got dressed. My stomach was flat and my maternity pants just didn't fit like they had the day before, but I had been nauseous so I didn't worry to much. I had a feeling I was pregnant with twins, which I wanted since I was a little girl so at my appt. I told the Dr. that I had this feeling and she examined me and told me I was measuring bigger than 11 weeks so she decided to do an
ultrasound. My husband and daughters were there, big mistake, I will never have them attend any future appts. if I get pregnant again.
We all went into the room and the Dr. got started and her first words were "oh no" and my heart just sank. Not only did we lose one but I was right, it was twins! We were devistated. It was not my usual Dr. so I was uncomfortable talking to her about this, so I talked to the nurse she told us what to expect and we left.
That night Jim (my husband) called everyone, including my pregnant sister who at that moment I did not want to see (we have never been very close). She came over and the first words out of her mouth were, "Don't worry my baby is healthy." I wanted to hurt her. I did not care about her, I just wanted her to hug me and tell me everything was ok. I mean I still had 2 dead babies inside of me and she was telling me her baby was healthy? Then she proceded to ask me for all my maternity clothes saying "since you don't need them anymore can I have them?" At that very moment I wanted to burn my maternity clothes not give them to her. I was so upset.
Later that night my husband called her and and said, "How dare you come into my home and
insult my wife on the hardest day of our lives." And I hadn't talked to her until yesterday (Sept. 16) when she told me until I divorce Jim she and I will never have a relationship and she wants nothing to do with me. Well, Jim and I are so happy together I would NEVER even consider that request so that is what I am dealing with now.
On June 29th I went in for a D&C with my usual Dr. I didn't want to deliver at home. My husband works a lot and he had to go back the next day. (I'm a stay at home mom so he needs to work). And I didn't want our girls to see anything because I didn't know what really to expect. The only thing I remember about the surgery is waking up and seeing a metal bowl with two golf ball sized things in there. So I did get to see our babies and say good bye to them. I swear they are the boys we wanted so bad but we would have LOVED more girls as well.
Two weeks later I was suffering from major depression so my Dr. put me on some anti-depressants and they help but I still am mourning, is that normal? It's been almost 3 months. I went to a friend's baby shower last weekend and had to leave as soon as I saw her. I went through a real anger stage but I think that is towards my sister and her comments.
Have you had another baby since losing Jeremiah? I want so desperately to get pregnant again. I'm scared to though I don't ever want to go through this again, and I don't think I will ever be able to get over this loss. I went through the same feelings as you, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Was it the spray paint I smelled while the girls and I did an art project the week before I found out I was pregnant, or when my daughter broke her arm I stood behind the x-ray wall - did it not work and I had radiation in my system?
Thank you for your book. It made me realize that I'm not crazy.
Thank you!! Johanna

Angela's Story

Hello, I received your book today, I also read it cover to cover during my 2 1/2 year old son's nap. Thank you for sharing your story. There really isn't that many books out there that deal with this subject. I have read a number of them but yours was the first that was... one woman's personal story with at the end an encouragement to respond.
I really related to your story. I too lost my son. I was 19 weeks 4 days when at my routine visit heard the news that my son had no heartbeat and had died 2 to 3 weeks before. I however delivered him at the hospital. This had been my third pregancy and there were things I had done that I hadn't in previous pregancy like your thoughts of misscarriage, I found myself praying at night to watch over me and my baby, that all would be okay. I never did that with my other 2 pregancies.
I delivered Luc Stephen Gardner June 2, 2006. I have enclosed a photo of him...I hope that is okay. I also believe he was a living breathing human being whose life deserves to be recognized. I am so sorry to read of your loss and I hope you have found peace with your situition. I believe everyone has a purpose in life and everything happens for a reason. That is the biggest thing that gets me thru each and everday. I know he is with God in Heaven and that one day I will be with him again.
Again, Thank you so much for your book.
Angela Gardner
***
Thank you, I love that picture of my son Luc. Luc had been passed away for approximately 2 to 2 1/2 weeks before I found out so he probably died at 17 weeks. I delivered at 19 1/2 weeks. They did induce my labor but I did not take any kind of pain medication or have an epidural to deliver him...the placenta would not deliver and I was losing a lot of blood so they took me to surgery to have a D&C to remove the placenta...It wasn't til then that I accepted something for my pain. I experienced a post-partum depression that I never felt with my other 2 pregnancies.
I also poured myself into a scrapbook for my son the weeks that followed his death and funeral service. It is a beautiful book that like you I put all I could into it. My husband and I, along with our two sons and the rest of my extended family following Luc's services came to my home and planted 2 trees in his memory.
I am very happy to hear you and your husband conceived once again and your son arrived to your arms safe and sound. It has been 3 months since our loss and I just found out yesterday I am once again pregnant. This news comes with a lot of emotion as you well know. According to a phone call made to my doctor I am now 5 weeks and 4 days along. I have only told my husband and I am waiting til after my first doctor appointment to tell my sons and other family members.
Thank you for responding, I look forward to hearing back from you.
Angela Gardner