Amber's story

My story starts nearly a year ago.
My husband and I decided to try for number 3. We have a daughter 9 and a son 3 so we didn't mind what sex the baby was. My 2 other pregnancies were textbook, no problems or complications. I thought this one was going to go the same way when I found out we were pregnant first month trying, which was the case with our son also.
My daughter took about 3 months to conceive so I was happy that I didn’t have to wait it out! Everything was fine till about 9 weeks when I just had a feeling. There were no physical signs, just a feeling I had that something didn’t feel right. I thought I was just being paranoid.
One weekend in the afternoon I started to get cramping. I went to emergency and they took blood and did a pregnancy test. The blood results showed a high HCG level and the pregnancy test was positive. They asked me if I was bleeding and I said no. They told me to come back on Monday to see the gynecologist. The pain continued till Monday. When I went they did an ultrasound. They found that I had a blighted ovum. At the time they referred to it as an 'empty sac'. It was only later I found out its proper name and the cause. I was devastated. The doctor explained that this was usually a one off and not to be afraid to try again. I had to wait 3 weeks to pass the sac, placenta and all that went with it. I lost a lot of blood and went through similar to what you describe in your book. But the worst wasn’t over. When I went for an ultrasound to make sure it had all passed, there were still ‘retained products' so I had to be scheduled for an emergency D&C as they were worried about infection (it had been in there about 12 weeks now).
After the D&C I developed an infection anyway! My temperature rose to a scary level and I went into a fit and had to be admitted to hospital on an IV drip. SO, we waited one cycle as recommended and decided to try again. Once more we conceived first month trying. This time I was happy but very scared!
Things went fine for a few weeks. My HCG levels were being taken every few days and they were rising. Then I started to spot. I hadn’t spotted with the other miscarriage or any of my other children so this was new to me. Off I went to the doctor. He took blood. The next day I found out my HCG had dropped. He scheduled an ultrasound. At the ultrasound, the lady could find no signs of pregnancy at all (not even the formings of a sac), and even asked me if I was sure I was pregnant. By then I knew with the bleeding, the dropping levels and nothing on the ultrasound that I had lost this baby too.
When I went back to the doctor with the results he basically told me to 'go home and wait to miscarry' if I hadn’t already (those were his exact words!!!). I told him I had miscarried before and I knew what it was like and that although I was bleeding (quite heavily by now) that I hadn’t expelled the remains as yet. So for 2 WEEKS I sat at home waiting for this miscarriage. They were the roughest 2 weeks of my life ( I will go into detail in another email later). After 2 weeks of bleeding and no miscarriage I went back to the doctor and told him I couldn’t do this again and that I was so depressed, I wanted a D&C immediately. The anxiety/stress/depression of playing the waiting game AGAIN (like last time).....I couldn’t do it anymore.
I was scheduled in the next day. Before the D&C I was sent for an ultrasound just to see what might be going on in there. When I went for the ultrasound, the technician had no idea why I was in there and kindly announced that she could see the baby and had detected a heartbeat!! WHAT? I almost fell off the table. I explained to her why I was in there. She told me it looked like I had been misdiagnosed. She went quiet for a while and was just staring at her screen...I was thinking, what now? She then went on to discover in the ultrasound that I was having twins but one had died (thus the bleeding).
After this I went to see the doctor filled with many questions. I found out that I was bleeding because my body was trying to expel the dead baby. There was a risk that the other baby could die too. This was a common complaint with twin pregnancies where one baby had died. She told me there was nothing I could do but wait and hope that I could pass the tissue/remains of one baby without harming the other baby.....I was 7 weeks along. The reason for the HCG levels falling was that one baby had died. They later rose again!
One week later I went for another check up. Baby was still hanging in there even though I was now bleeding even heavier than a period and passing small to medium size clots. The baby hung in for another 2 weeks and I got to see it 3 times in total on the ultrasound growing and with its little heart beating (I have pictures too) before the last time at just on 10 weeks there was no heartbeat.
I had a D&C straight away as it was recommended because they didn’t want me to get another infection. I was so devastated. Even more so when the doctor told me that chances are it was a healthy baby (HCG levels rising, baby was growing normally) but just caught up in a bad twin pregnancy situation where it could have gone either way.
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about it. Losing a baby is so awful as it is but to be told that the baby was probably healthy just kills me inside, such a waste. I don’t ever want to be in that situation again. The not knowing what’s going to happen, and the waiting and praying that everything will go ok, when no one gives you any hope, especially the doctors.
I am so scared to try again for another baby after these 2 bad experiences. I am seeing a specialist now who seems to think that both these miscarriages were just 'bad luck' and sees no reason why this should happen again. I don’t want to go there for now. I have to go now and pick my daughter up from school.I have much more to
tell you.
Thank you for listening.
Amber
***
Hello again.
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Its so hard to find a moment long enough to sit down and concentrate on writing an email like this with children (as you would know).
The twins died in July this year. I found out I was pregnant in May. A few weeks later my friend found out she was pregnant too. She is now 6 months pregnant with her twins and due about 10 days after mine would have been due. She’s my closest friend since school so it’s hard to try and maintain the friendship. I tell her I’m not angry with her and I’m not jealous. I’m just sad (for myself only not her, of course, I’m happy for her but its just hard!).
And yes, I did tell my children I was pregnant. I even signed my son’s birthday card from all of us as well as 'mummy’s baby in the tummy' and the due date was written on the calendar too! My two-year old has no clue but my nine-year old mentions it often. The other day I was driving her to school and she said...'mummy, how old would the baby you lost be now? I told her about 6 weeks old. Then she said, "So really there should be 4 of us in the car now- you driving, me here next to you, Jordan over there, and the baby too-where would the baby be sitting"...that was kind of devastating!
And she often asks do I think it was a boy or girl...and also when she finds out someone is pregnant she ALWAYS says "Everyone is having babies mum...everyone except you" that breaks my heart too!
I wanted to tell you all the comments I got from family, friends and work mates after this happened. They are so hurtful and I will never forget them! They are etched in my mind 4ever.
1. You should have gotten your tubes tied when you were having the other operation, as surely you don’t want to have any more kids after all this. (This was said to me just hours after I had my operation to remove my dead babies).
2. You should go on the pill or use some sort of birth control to prevent this happening again. Why would I want to go on birth control to prevent pregnancy...I want another baby-some people have no idea!
3. Maybe this is a sign that your not suppose to have anymore children.
4. At least you have 2 children, be grateful for that (yes I am BUT it still doesn’t lessen the loss).
5. You can always try again (yes, BUT it’s so scary after all I have been through, and it won’t bring my lost babies back).
6. Why don’t you forget about having another one for a while and let your body heal. (Borderline hurtful comment - a friend trying to comfort me BUT all I want is to be pregnant again to try and recover what I have lost-you might know what I mean...it’s not to replace but just to try and heal the emptiness).
7. And then there are the people who don’t say anything at all. That’s sad too because it’s like they don’t care. Like its all gone and forgotten...hard to explain.
I went to a seminar here on Sunday (3 days ago) and a lady got up with a similar situation to me...she had lost babies and was still mourning 10 years later. She asked when all the pain would go away and when would she get over this...he gave her some good information that I took away with me...he said...."You will never get over it, losing a child or losing a loved one is an event that you don’t ever need to 'get over' BUT you do need to get on with it. Be strong for your other children - they need you". I was sitting there in my chair in absolute tears. It was like he was talking to me.
I think that is about all I have to say for now. Are you writing another book, or do you have a book to recommend to me? I enjoy reading on this subject; it makes me feel less alone.
Amber