Shondelle's story

My story is a little different though. It all started about 4 weeks ago, i was due for my 13 week scan and all excited i asked my 11yr old daughter if she wanted to come along with me of course she was excited too, so off we went..

I was a little nervous and anxious, because i had suffered a miscarriage back in December(was suppose to be 12 weeks but baby had died at 6 weeks), but i also have 4 healthy beautiful daughters, so i thought i was being a little silly to even have this scan done, anyway we went in to start the scan, and straight away i ask "is there a heart beat?" "yes"she replied i was so relieved and began looking at my precious little baby as she continued to do measurements. I noticed this extra sack(well that's what it looked like to me) and i asked her what it was, she told me it was fluid around the baby not elaborating on anything i kind of thought well maybe it's normal, she informed me i was further along then first thought, instead of 13 weeks i was 14 weeks, that was good news for me too. Then she hit me with "i will just go and get the doctor to go over a few things i have measured" immediately i began to worry (the doctor had never been in with any of my other children WHY now?????), tears started to fill up my eyes and then i snapped out of it and thought hang on a sec, you don't even know if anything is wrong.

The Dr came in had a brief look and asked if i mind if my daughter left the room, he had something to discuss with me in private, at this stage i burst into tears knowing something was wrong, the nurse took my daughter out to the waiting room and the Dr told me my baby has all this extra fluid around her heart and brain, i would need a amniocentesis to tell me why and what the problem was, agreeing to this, my appointment was booked for the following week.

This was one of toughest weeks in my life(we'll infact the past 4 have been extremely tough), i still had to tell my partner who had gone to work, as we both thought it would be a routine scan and nothing would come of it. He called me at home to find out how everything went and i just burst into tears, so obviously he left work to come home and be with me, still completely shocked and numb i explained everything to him. Like me he was shocked and speechless, WHY???? after 4 healthy pregnancies and babies has this happened (again).

Anyway the next week flew and before we knew it we were back having the amnio done, first attempt failed and they tried again(successfully), after having another scan the fluid had increased from 10mm to 13mm in 6 days, they kept telling me what a little fighter i had, and they couldn't believe she was still with us, when we were leaving the Dr said he will contact me in 48hrs with the results..

The next 2 days was the longest ever, then the phone rang,"hi Shondelle it's Dr Benze, can you and your husband come in and see me this afternoon" i so badly wanted him to tell me everything was fine but my gut instinct wasn't very good, "sure" i rang my partner at work and he came home to pick me up. Sitting there in the waiting room with all these pregnant women haunted me, then out came that face that is so familiar now, "come through"he sat us down and started explaining that our daughter had Trisomy 21(down syndrome), but it was a severe case of it, she would not survive in the womb, at some stage(he couldn't tell me when) her little heart would give up, the fluid was restricting it, he went through our options with us and we both decided to continue with the pregnancy, i couldn't bare the thought of taking her little life from her, she was fighting sooo hard to stay with us, he then referred us to a clinical psychologist to discuss our decision with him, and booked us for another scan the following week.

We went the following day to meet with Dr Woodfield(clinical psychologist), he is a lovely man who made me see more sense out of not continuing my pregnancy, he told me to think about it as being a mothers gift of love to let her child go to the next stage( as it is where she is headed), instead of struggling and fighting to stay with us, we should consider giving her peace and let her know it is Alright to go..

After another long hard week of discussion with my partner we went back for another scan only to find the fluid had increased more and is now in her abdomen, her heart is regurgitating and she wasn't getting any flow through her brain, i think it was this scan that made me realise and actually feel slack to keep her going(knowing it was inevitable, that i would walk out of that hospital without a baby)..I was frightened that if she started moving it would be harder for me to let go, the Dr's had told me i should start feeling movements within the next week or so, i was so scared, i didn't want to have to make this decision but i knew it was right.

We went back in to see Dr Woodfield and told him we were ready to let her go. This is definatley the hardest decision a mother would have to go through,(friends have referred it to turning off a life support machine, when you know there is no hope, but deciding when is the right time to do it).

I was booked in for that Friday. Waking up Friday morning, i didn't want to get out of bed, driving to the hosp i told my partner to turn around, i couldn't do it, i knew i had to do this but i just couldn't, then remembering her scans and knowing she would be better off i told him to continue. we got to the hosp i asked him to go in and see if my bed was ready( i wanted him to tell me it wasn't) but down he come and said yeah there waiting for us. The procedure started at 2pm with a dose of cervagem(which is a tablet like cream that is inserted in the cervix behind the neck of the womb) to induce labor, 4 hourly they would continue to insert cervagem, the pains started after the first dose and i knew there was no going back( they had informed me her heart wouldn't survive the labour). at 12:50 am Saturday morning, Phoenix Constance Hunter was born sleeping, she could fit in the palm of my hand and weighed a tiny 70 grams, we held her until 4:30am , then i buzzed the midwife to come and take her, (i didn't want her to start deteriorating in front of me.) The hosp and midwifes were so supportive, they got her tiny footprints for me, a naming tag, and photos.(we also took plenty of photos of her)

The morning after(well a few hours later),

The sun starting shining and the Chaplain came in to start the naming ceremony(which we had discussed with him the previous day), it was myself, my partner, our daughter and the chaplain there, this was something we felt we had to do to recognise her as part of our family. Some people think I'm a little bizarre to have done this, but she is one of my children and i would not have done it any other way. We got a naming certificate and he made some pamphlets for us to keep, we picked a few poems to her and a poem for us from her... we held her another hour and then said goodbye i told her how much i loved her and how much i am going to miss seeing her grow with her big sisters, but she will never be forgotten and I'm sure she knows just how much joy she has brought to our lives in this short time also how much pain we have been through. I can honestly say i have comfort knowing she is with my mum looking down on us and one day we will meet again.

8pm came and i was discharged from hospital, i felt so empty. I went in here yesterday pregnant and tonight I'm walking out with nothing, it was a horrible feeling, my partner is great support though and i know i couldn't have done any of this without him....

We have since organized for a cremation in which her ashes will be ready for collections sometime next week, once i get them home with me i think i will feel a little better, just knowing i have her. We are going to build a memorial garden for her out our backyard and i am going to make a collage of all her mementos we have. I am grateful and happy that i do have some memories although not alot, but those who miscarry before 12 weeks, don't really get anything and for that i am grateful.

I want to thank you for allowing me to write about this to you, i have cried plenty of tears while witting. I'm sorry if i have bombarded you with my grief but i haven't been able to talk to anyone (apart from professionals) about this, because i am the only one of all my friends and family to have gone through something like this.

I often go on the Angel babies 4 ever website to have a read, as i feel so isolated and alone right now. I am also going to a support group meeting next month to have a listen to other women and their stories, and having follow ups with social workers and my psychologist.I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and i will get over this, i will never ever forget about her but i know it will get easier.

I wish you every success with your next book. Once i read your book, i will let you know what i think about it, I'm sure it will be comforting.

Once again Thank you and Take Care

Shondelle

Lisa's story

I had been told getting pg might be hard for me i have several health problems including poly cystic ovarian syndrome (pcos). I was not trying to get pg when it happened in july 2005. I did not know until 5 weeks i had been late but didnt think pg could be the reason. I was getting morning sickness and after awhile gave in and took at test. I took 3 in total thinking they all had to be wrong. I was not using anything but my husband and i did not think we could get pg without the help of other drugs.We had never even had a pg scare all the years we had been together. I was put on avandia shortly before the pg and we both think this diabetes medicine was the reason, it has since been used for fertility purposes. I called my dr. and went off all of my meds that might harm the baby. I went to the dr. at 8 weeks and did the labs they require everything was fine. I was put on insulin shots instead of pills for the benifit of the baby. We thought everything was going okay. I had not had any problems such as spotting or cramping and felt beside morning sickness pretty good. I did not think anything of a tiny watery swipe ofblood in late sept. just one and tiny. I didnt even think to metion it to my husband. I started having the shakes at night i would freeze and then burn-up with a cold sweat my teeth even chattered but did not know till later it could have been a sign of hormone changes. We still thought everything was fine. I went to the dr. for my first ultrasound on oct.4th i was scared, but felt okay about it. I was seeing a maternal/fetal specialst due to my health situation. The dr. had already done all of the "yearly visit" type things and was getting ready to do the internal ultrasound i had an overwhelming feeling something was wrong with the baby, i told the nurse with me she said all mothers are nervous. The dr. and i where looking at the screen but he turned it from me quickly and i knew something had to be wrong he took a couple measurements then turned the screen to me and told me the baby had died , there was no heart beat. He called it fetal demise. I asked for some pictures. I was in complete shock and very sad. i broke into tears and blamed myself maybe i had done something to cause this. I felt my body had betrayed me. I thought that was it the only chance i would have to be a mom and it was gone i couldnt believe it . Then he told me of my options i choose to try to have the miscarriage naturally. Which i did on the the 10th. I will put the story of that in another email if that is of interest to you.

Next -
I found out i was 5 weeks pg in august a very big suprise blessing.I had some nausea for a couple days so i finally broke down and took at pg test it was +. Then i took another and another in disbelief they to were +. I called my primary dr. and went of all meds that could harm the baby. I had been told all my life it would be hard for me to get pg. My husband and i have been together for several years and had not even one scare until last july when i became pg but we now know it was do to a drug i was taking for diabetes called avandia . I was only on it a couple weeks when i got pg they now use it for fertility issues. We had no idea of this side effect. We do not use anthing because we thought i could not get pg without medical help. suprise we where in complete shock but very happy. I went to the dr. for blood tests and everything seemed fine. I went back at 10 1/2 weeks for an ultrasound and check up. I had a transvaginal
one. I had a bad feeling and told the nurse in the room with me but she told me all moms are nervous.The dr i was seeing was a maternal fetal specialist due to the fact i have pcos one of the reasons i dont think i could get pg without the medicine and i have high blood pressure and diabetes. He had already finished the checkup part and then went to do the ultrasound his facial expression changed and he turned the screen from me and i knew my thoughts where true something was wrong. There was no heart beat and i could see the screen and could tell. He told me the baby had stopped growing maybe 10 + days. I was very upset and cried and cried i thought my body had betraded me . I felt like i had worked so hard to do the best i could for this baby but had not done enough it had died anyway. I was told that i could have it naturally or have pills to help me cramp or have a d&c i wanted to let my body do what was natural if i could. I felt that this way i could have my baby a couple more days as long as it was inside me it was safe kind of like suspended animation. Everything was fine. This all happened on the 4th of oct. my baby came on the 10th after hours of cramps . I had no bleeding or pain until the 10th at around 11 or so i felt alot of pressure and pain very strong pains. I laid down and after a 1/2 hour got up to go to the rest room i felt like someone had laid a bowling bowl on my cervix. I got into the bathroom door and exploded no one had told me how painful or quick it happened i was very unprepared. The amnotic fluid was everywhere but no blood yet then it came like a river it sounded like i had turned on a faucet. my husband had to go to the store to get more pads and things just 5 min away but when he came home i had passed out over the end of the bed i do not remember that but remember him making me go to the hospital they where not very compassionate and i had an intern who was rough and had to go in to get the placenta out it was stuck in my cervix. I had iv fluids and was given pads and was told i had had a misscarriage. I had to go to my dr a week later an get rhogam and see if everything had came out.I never got to see my baby but was very suprised how developed yours was maybe you were farther along but like you said you know when you got pg then you know.! i really wish i had gotten to see my it bothers me i want to know if it was a boy or girl. i would feel like it was more real i guess. We did not tell everyone so it feels like a dirty little secret we had planned to wait till that ultrasound but when we got the bad news just kept it to close family and friends. All of those already knew. I have made a memory box with angelbaby's things inside pictures from the ultrasound and such and it has helped me heal. We have not tried to get pregnat again. We plann on trying to have a baby in spring 08. We have discussed it and plann on trying one more time and if i have a misscarriage we will not try again 2 is enough. If you wouldnt mind to tell me how it all unfolded for you it might be a good comparison i also have not met anyone who did it naturally. D&c's seem to be the way most handle it. I have talked to some women and read some books that most cant stand to have a dead baby inside them it did not bother me it was where it was supposed to be safe under my heart. The book doesnt do details and i understand why so if you want to share please do and if not i understand. lisa ~

Christy's Story

Hi, I bought one of your books on ebay and recieved your reply a while back. I am so sorry I am just getting back to you. A lot of things have been going on, not to mention this time of year is very hard for me, so I have been staying busy and enjoying the children I do have with me! =)

Your book was amazing. I really appreciate you sharing your story with not only me, but the public. To take such an intimate part of yourself and share it with the world is no small feat. So thank you!

My losses were 3 1/2....well, almost 4 years ago now. As you can see, we really never "get over it". I was very fortunate to have a wonderful husband, and a great online community to lean on when I needed to be picked up....but not all women have that. I am sure your book will be a great source of strength, comfort, and faith building to many!

I feel my story begins even before our actual losses. I had a child already from a previous relationship, husband adopted him and we wanted to add to our family immediately! We just knew that since we both already had a child that we would get pregnant and have a baby in no time....and that was the plan. Funny how things don't quite go as we expect sometimes. Anyhow, we started trying in June 2000, although didn't prevent from Dec. 1999. But in June it had not happened on it's own and so I began basal body charting, charting fertile signs, using ovulation tests, ect. After 6 months of that, and no success, I seeked medical attention and was diagnosed with unexplained secondhand infertility. Went almost another year and thankfully we moved and thus I changed Drs. My first Dr kind of blew me off since I was so young, early 20s and had a child already. My next Dr was wonderful though. He actually cared about our wishes for a child and we aggressively started a full fertility workup with tests and everything on both me and my husband. Husband was fine, lower count than usual, but nothing that would prevent us from getting pregnant. Dr found that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and had enough cysts on my ovaries to prevent any woman from concieving, even though I seemed to ovulate on my own. I continued the charting and using ovulation tests and going to my Dr every 3 months for further testing. I had several chemical pregnancies in which I would get a few +s on hpts and then get my period within 2 days of that. Never even had time to get to the Dr for bloodwork or anything. That was a killer. It wasn't as emotionally draining as my later losses, but being so overjoyed for a few hours to a few days, and then the ultimate letdowns just really started weighing on me none the less. Doing some more tests and my yearly pap we then found that I had precancerous cells on my cervix that were spreading. Dr said we would have to stop everything and start working on clearing that up instead. I had 2 biopsies done and set a date to have surgery to remove the cells. But as fate would have it, instead...just a month before my scheduled surgery I found out I was pregnant with our first child together....after 3 1/2 years of TTC. (try to concieve) Went in for our first ultrasound at 5.4 weeks and we saw a perfect sac, yolk sac, ect..all measured great so we were elated! Miscarriage was the farthest thing from my mind. I thought you get pg and then you have a baby! Why not? Husband took me out of town on my B-Day (valentines day) we had that planned for months. A nice retreat from our TTC life and a break from all the medical things I was enduring. We had planned to just go for the weekend and be a married couple again, not a couple dealing with infertility. But I was pregnant, and things were even better!! We rearranged some plans that we didn't feel were as safe since I was pg and really enjoyed ourselves. My waist expanded very very fast and I was looking for more pg than I was at only 7 wks. I loved it! After so long of trying I happily bought cute maternity dresses and loved my body again. We even went to a sealife aquarium and instead of having the sealion kiss my cheek, I had a picture of him kissing my belly done. My husband was talking to our baby/my belly from day 1. He came home and sometimes the belly got a greeting and a kiss before me, and I loved it! My son, who was almost 5 at the time had been asking for a baby for a long time...it was his B-Day wish for 2 years straight! He was overjoyed as well. After our vacation I am not sure why but I could not shake this feeling of doom. I cried a lot and worried about our baby all the time. I convinced myself that it was all for nothing, and a result of the years of fear with infertility. Also, since I was pg and didn't have my surgery I was monitored for that as well and we knew we would have to complete my surgery as soon as I delivered. It was scary thinking what if it changes to cancer and I'm still pg, but we relied on God to carry us through. Dr felt it wasn't severe and could wait 9 months for sure, and that delivery may even flush the cells off naturally since the cervix would change during labor and delivery. I went in for another u/s at 7.3 weeks. We saw our baby, the yolk sac, gestational sac, ect. It measured 2 days behind, but seemed to be well. There was no heartbeat but Dr swore that it may still be too early and it's happened before so not to worry. I left in tears just knowing it wouldn't be. I tried to stay positive, but the feeling of doom just grew despite me pretending to be okay. I had nighmares of chasing baby strollers down the street, of a baby crying and me not being able to find it, ect. Then one day, on March 1 2003 husband called and surprised me and said he was taking me out to my fave restraunt for lunch. He worked as a retail manager so our time together was limited a lot. I hurried to get dressed, looking forward to our afternoon together. My son and I were in my room and I felt something trickle down my leg. I knew immediately what it was and couldn't bring myself to look, but I turned and stared at myself in my full length mirror. And there it was....red blood. My husband came in to me crying like mad and hiding out in the bathroom. I put my son to bed as soon as I saw it, so I wouldn't scare him. Called my Dr and they said since it was so early there was nothing to do and just to go on complete bed rest and pray it stopped. That was a Friday. I laid in bed crying for about 30 minutes with my husband just asking all the questions in the world. It was annoying to me at the time, but he was just as lost as I was and felt helpless. Out of no where a feeling of pure anger and rage hit me and I jumped out of bed and got my shoes on, told husband we were going to the ER and I would demand to be seen by someone! I was screaming and yelling that I was not going to laydown and rest while my baby was in trouble! I had fought too hard to get her and would not lay around. I felt I had to at least fight to save her as well. I called my Mom who lived 3 hours away and she started driving to me. We went to the ER and they actually made me wait in the waiting room for 3 hours before they would even talk to me.....since my case was "not serious". That made me more angry! Once in the room they tried to tell me the same "it's too early to tell anything, you should go home and see your Dr on monday, ect." I demanded they take blood and check the progesterone levels and wanted an ultrasound! They obliged me, but I know I was just a problem to them and they wanted to get me out of there. We did an u/s and saw our baby, and she had a hearbeat this time! We were 8.2 wks then and she even measured right on target! But the bad thing was, her hb was only 73 bpm. The nurse tried telling me it was reassuring since we didn't see a hb before and since she measured okay, but I knew better. I knew it should at least be 100 or more. Husband was happy and relieved, I was more hurt. It was the confirmation I dreaded....we were doomed, and that feeling grew even more, but I hated to crush my husband so I just kept it to myself. They put me on strict bedrest and told my my husband to make sure I didn't get out of bed for anything...to keep my feet elevated and only rise to use the restroom. I did as ordered. For 2 days I never left the bed, and even held it as long as I could before getting up to use the restroom. I laid there and tried to tell myself that it I did everything I was supposed to that our baby would be okay. I talked to her, prayed harder than ever, and just really bonded with her. I felt like we were fighting together and that things would really be okay. By Saturday the bleeding stopped and I really started feeling optimistic. I had an appt with my Dr early Mon morning to do another u/s and get the lab results. I thought we would make it. I even laughed and told our baby how stubborn she was and that she just wanted us to appreciate her more and that in 9 months we would laugh at all this. I really believed, and had faith, that all would be well. Suday came and things were still okay, I was still in bed following Drs orders and still no bleeding. My husband had tlaked about buying me a laptop so I could at least keep in touch with friends. I had been on an online infertility community since 2000 and had many friends that were praying for us. We knew that I woul dbe on bedrest until at least 12 wks, so a computer and friends would at least keep me sane. I only did it for 2 days, and would have gladly done it longer, but staying in bed really does start getting to you. I was watching a movie though, and husband had gone accross the street to check on his store. He had inventory in 4 days and needed to be there the full 12 hour day, but tried to stay with me as much as he could. He set up everything beside me and made me lunch and packed the cooler so I wouldn't need to get up and went to work. So I decided to watch a movie to pass time until he returned and around 3:00 pm I started cramping very badly. At 3:12 the cramping intensified and I felt a great deal of pressure and felt like something was "there". I got up to go to the restroom and felt everything come out. And like you...I was shocked to see our baby! Everything I had ever read and heard about was tissue, blood, or globs of nothing but not this....I was literally holding a perfect tiny baby, still in the sac. It was as clear as could be! I held the sac and surprisingly I was not crying or upset at the time. I felt this amazing sense of calm and was intrigued. The only way I can descibe it, is just like when my son was born I looked over every inch of him and just took it all in....I did the same with this baby. She was literally the size of the tip, or the first segment of my pinky finger, and PERFECT! I saw very clearly her eyes, nose, ears, webbed hands and feet, everything! It was amazing! I stood in awe, just absolute awe of God's amazing creation. It was lke someone had taken a full term baby and just shrunk it to the size of a newborn's finger. I wish I would have thought to take pictures, or had not been scared too. I thought about it later, but was really scared that everyone owuld think I was nuts. I hated calling my husband to tell him the news, but I did. He came home and we called the hospital. They told me to gather everything I passed and bring it in with me. I felt so weird and cruel for putting our baby in that stupid plastic tupperware bowl with all the tissue and stuff that the medical community would label "products of conception" To ease my mind I wrapped the bowl in a pink baby blanket I had bought, and then we headed to the ER again. I always felt that we had a girl, from the very beginning. I sat in the waiting room, holding my baby in the bowl wrapped in a blanket like a new mom. Kinda proud in a way to have my baby, but so grief stricken and shocked that I couldn't even speak. I felt such shame too. I remember feeling like everyone knew and was staring at me and wondering what I did wrong. They took me to triage and the lady there asked what I had wrapped up and I said "I was told to bring it all in" she said "bring what in?" I told her "my baby, I had a miscarriage" She told me to just give it to her and I couldn't! I asked what she would do with her and where she was taking my baby. She told me that she would take "it" back to the Dr and then they would talk with me and go from there. I refused...I told her no. I don't think she knew what to say, she just sa there staring at me and then told me to go back to the waiting room and the nurse would call me back. A few min later a nurse came...the same one that treated us on Friday night, she was great! But the other nurse seemed to make me more angry than anyone ever has. She asked to take our baby and I handed her over reluctantly. She had been very kind, and then she pulled back the blanket a little and asked "what's this?" I told her that I was instructed to place everything in a closed container to bring in, and did. She opened the lid, although it was clear, and just looked baffled. She looked at the Dr who walked in and said "yeah we have some tissue, just an early missed abortion I guess". I don't think she meant me to hear since she lowered her voice, but I did, and it set me off. I started crying and telling her through grit teeth that that "tissue" was my baby! I told her "if you wouldn't be so mindless and cruel to me I'd appreciate it. My baby just died. She's tiny but she's mine and I love her! Don't dare just dismiss her like she's trash!" That nurse never returned to my room, thankfully. I wish now that I would have been more understanding of her, and not so harsh. That reaction was, and is not, typical of me. I usually avoid confrontations any way I can, but not when it comes to my babies...and that has not changed. I am protective and probably resemble a momma bear protecting her cub when it comes to my angels. But they did their things with me and sent me home. Since it was our first loss that made it farther than 3 wks they had no plans of doing anything. But we wanted testing and had it ordered. I felt so lonely and isolated leaving that hospital without our baby. It was the darkest feeling I had ever had! The next few weeks the nightmare continued. I had not had a complete miscarriage and found through u/s a few weeks later than the placenta and portions of my pregnancy was retained, and still growing. They gave me suppositories that were supposed to clean things out, but it didn't. A few more weeks went by and then I had two injections in my hips. That was all very humiliating. I had to go every 2 days to have betas drawn to see when the hcg level returned to 0. I sat in the waiting room of my Drs office every 2 days for 8 wks to have more ultrasounds, blood drawn, test, ect....all because I could't even miscarry on my own. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't keep my baby alive, couldn't carry her, and then couldn't even lose her the right way! But finally after 8 wks from her passing my miscarriage was complete. We were told not to get pg again until I had my surgery, and I didn't think that was a problem since I couldn't even bare to think about another baby or trying again. I didn't want another baby, I wanted MY baby, the baby I lost! Set another date and had another biopsy to make sure things were the same. Went in for my surgery and they did a pg test as standard...I hadn't had a period since the miscarriage so didn't worry about any of that. But I was pg again. They did an u/s just to make sure it wasn't from my loss, and to see how far alone I was....I was 4wks, with a new baby. I thought that would crush me, but it made me smile for the first time in 3 months! I was so excited! I didn't care about the surgery, I thought this would be the one! but things never looked good. At 8wks there was no hb, everything measured on target but no hb, and there should have been one. I thnk my Dr knew me well enough to know that I would need proof to heal so he stayed + for me an scheduled another u/s a week later and continued until I gave the word. I had u/s at 9wk, 9.5 wks, 10.4wks and then decided that even though the sac and baby were growing that I knew by this point we should have a hb. I had tried to convince myself that the dates were wrong and since I didn't know when I ovulated or concieved that maybe the u/s was wrong...but after waiting 3 weeks from the first u/s I knew that at minimum I was 8wks and since baby measured just 1 day behind from my dates that it wasn't meant to be.We set a date for a D&C since it didn't look like I would miscarry on my own, and I didn't care to draw things out again. I was so scared through the entire pregnancy that I didn't even try to bond with that baby. Our previous loss and just knowing that it didn't look good kept me at a distance, and I regret that now. I feel terrible for that, like I took away his rights and need for love. I blamed myself for a long time that maybe he didn't feel wanted and left us. I know that's silly now, but at the time, I was at fault for everything I did or didn't do when it came to our babies. And the odd thing was that I started to grieve this loss as losing our first all over again. It was like I lost her twice, instead of losing 2. It's different now, but at the time that is how I felt..maybe becuase I didn't bond with him like I did with her....even though I carried him for 4 wks longer...I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to be. But on July7 we went in for the D&C. That was a whole new nightmare and trauma I didn't need. I had a final u/s and it showed that the sac was shrinking, or leaking, as it was smaller, and still no h/b and baby measured 10.4wks, alhtough I was 11.5wks. My Dr couldn't believe that he continued to grow to be the size he was with no h/b and speculated that he must have had on at some time and we just missed catching it. I was flabergasted to learned when I arrived at the hospital (the same that I had gone to with my first loss) that for a D&C I was admitted and placed on the Labor and Delivery floor! I walked off the elevator to the sounds of newborns crying and seeing pg moms in labor, knowing I wouldn't be one of them, and would never hear either of my babies cry ever. While I sat in my room getting IVs and waiting to go back...which kept getting pushed back for c-sections...at one point I heard the lady next to me in labor and screaming get her out get her out, and then seconds later I heard that wonderful sound to a new moms ears, the baby crying. It was torture! I balled up on my bed and just cried so hard, and my husband sat there rubbing my legs crying too. We were both too hurt to even talk anymore, and hadn't since our nightmares began. We talked very little, and when I did want totalk it was only about our babies. His way of dealing was to move on as fast as possible, and that was probably the most healthy way, but I wanted to never forget, and wanted to shout to the world about them and spent all my time and efforts doing memory books, reading about losses, searching the internet, ect. I literally did something with every second of my day that involved my angels or someone else's angels. I kow I was trying to find comfort in any way I could. I went in and had the D&C and woke up in the recovery room to a very kind soft voice. My nurse was incredible...and I now think that she too must have had a loss at some time because she understood me, and no one else in the hospital ever seemed to. I heard her say "your in recovery, how are you?" And I just started crying and screaming. I felt like I was surrounded by death and total darkness, lost and lonely. I laid ther and just cried so hard and she tried to sooth me and offer words of comfort. I don't remember much of what she said, and it didn't stop my crying or screaming, but I remember her voice and her soft touch. They had taken another woman in for a c-section and again I heard baby cries. Immeidately my recovery nurse rubbed my arms and told me "I'm gonna get your outta here, this is awful". Again, I think she understood! She started rollingme out and depite my trying, I couldn't stop crying still. ANother nurse stopped and asked me what was wrong...I didn't hear what my nurse said but I imagine it was something about D&C or loss cause that nurse just said "oh, sorry" and rubbed my leg in the elevator. I went back to my room with my husband and felt kind of safe again. I needed him. i hugged him and we cried together and I felt better. I was fine until a nurse came in to take my vitals and said "where's the baby, you have a boy or girl" I understand that she didn't know, but that angered me mrore than anything! Out of respect I thought something should have been done. Not special treatment or anything, just human respect. And maybe even special treatment, other women had their babies to love on, I had nothing! I responded to her by saying "my baby's dead and I'm not lucky enough to know if we have a boy or girl" She didn't say anything just took my vitals, wrote them down and left. Never to return to my room again. My husband went to the nurses station and got a pen and paper and wrote "Our baby's an Angel, Please be kind and don't ask" and taped it to my door. That made me feel odd too, I felt like people walked by my door and felt like again I had dome something wrong....such shame. Thankfully all I had to do was eat lunch and use th restroom and they said I go leave after that. I didn't want to wait an hour for the lunch trays so I had my husband go to the cafeteria and get lunch. I didn't want to eat and it turned my stomach to think of food but the nurses insisted. So I scarfed down my food and went to the bathroom and told my nurse "ok there, I ate, I went, now let me leave" and we checked out 15min later. The physical healing from the past 6 months was nothing. Everyone seemed concerned about my physical health. Drs watched me and monitored me, but no one asked how I felt. No one seemed to care that eveyday I woke up I sank deeper and deeper into a black void that took me 2 years to climb out of, and I'm still not sure I am out of it. Though I know it is nothing like it was! It was almost 2 years later when I was working again on their memory books..... we decided to name our first baby before the test results were even back. I thought girl, but became scared of making a mistake so we picked a nongender specific name....Taylor. We were still unsure about the 2nd as well and decided to wait. I thought boy, but didn't feel I bonded enough to "know". The results came back about 2 weeks after the D&C for both babies. Not sure why it took so long with the first, but they came back together. First loss, baby girl perfect 23 chromosomes, with 2 rare heart problems I cannot even spell or pronounce. It was labeled as nont compatible with life. Second, baby boy, perfect 23 chromosomes, no problems, unexplained loss. Both were unexplained, although it was found that my progesterone was low and signs of clotting. Months later after further testing we found I tested positive for a clotting disorder and was ACA+...anticardiolupin antibody. Dr felt that the progesterone and clotting were the culprits but that even if our baby girl went to term, with her fluke condition she would not have survived birth, or not long after. We were destined to lose her from the beginning. Told me that with future pregnancies I would go on progesterone supplements and baby asprin. Back to 2 years later...I was working on their books and going through pictures and saw some pics of my only living son's B-Day parties, Christmas, Thanksgiving, ect. I didn't remember ANY of it!!! I was in the pics, I saw me there....but I had no recollection at all!!! I started going through all the pictures and there were a ton of things I could not remember! I am a ver ysentimental person and take pictures and video all the time. Nothin had been scrapbooked, but put in the photo boxes and filed. I started going around my house as if seeing things for the first time. I had to think about it, but I remembered doing some things and it scared me that I had missed so much! It was almost like I lived each day over and over and did the same stuff and that was all I focused on...my babies. Everything else just got whatever attention it demanded, but I wasn't in it. I realized just how low I had gotten. I started feeling the pain I had been experiencing and remembering I guess what I was trying to forget. And I never told my own husband about some things, but I know that one day on a really bad lonely dark day I had been doing my usual memory item searches...buying ornaments, books, pins, car stickers, ect to remember my angels and lost it. I threw my laptop that I never took out of the box...the one my husband bought for me to use while on bedrest....it arrived a few days after we lost Taylor, and had sat in my office ever since. I threw it, then I opened the box and pulverized it! I am very non violent, but I had such rage! my son stayed with my mom a lot, cause I could barely take care of me and I was in no mood to be happy and play. I at least had the thoughts to send him where he could play and not see me that way. When he was around, I held it together and tried to make like I was happy and loved everything, like I once did. But as soon as he was gone or asleep I fell apart. After ruining the laptop I just screamed and yelled and cried. I ended up in a heap in the hallway. I felt so lost, like someone had thrown me out in space and cut my safety belt and I was just drifting out, with no hope of ever returning. I cannot even begin to explain how lost I felt. I wanted to find a way, like if I tried so hard, maybe I could bring them back, make myself wake up and it would all be a bad dream. I would punch things and hit things and yell and cry, but nothing helped. I sat in my bathroom floor one day thinking about killing myself. I was so tired of the pain. And I was even more tired that all my family and people around me thought I should "get over it", "at least it was early", "you can have more kids later", "it was natures way, survival of the fittest", "God won't give you more than you canhandle" , "your lucky, at least it wasn't later".....and so many other things people said to me! I have major issues with it all....cause it all says that what I felt, and still feel, is useless, I have no right to grieve, that an early loss isn't real, or that a loss a baby period isn't real, that if I hadn't been so strong God would have saved my babies (I really dislike that one) and all the things those thought imply are just ridiculous! I was berated for having u/s pics in frames on my wall, for having a memory book, or talking about my babies like they were real...cause they were, and they are! And my family, and friends got very uncomfortable when I call them by name, I guess instead of loss #1 and loss #2....or IT. We named our babies according to our wishes and who they were. We picked out names just like we did for our living children. We looked at meaning and chose names we loved hearing over and over. We named them Taylor Nichole....we debated on renaming her since we then knew she was a girl, but after a few months of calling her Taylor it just fit so we added a girly middle name. We named our boy Caleb Justin. We had their names inscribed at the CHurch of the Innocents memorial for babies lost. And each year we buy them an ornament just like we do our living children.

I am very fortunate to have my miracle baby now...he is almost 17 months old. I know my Angels helped get him here....without them I wouldn't have known of my hormone levels or clotting diorder, and that saved him. My youngest baby is named Tyler (what he goes by and his middle name)....after his big sis Taylor, and his first name means gift from God. And even though almost 4 years has passed since losing Taylor and Caleb, and we now have the baby that took us 5 years to get in our arms....I still think of the 2 we lost and remember them on thier Angel Day, at all holidays, and daily. I still have loss ribbons on my car, they get balloons and messages tied to them that we release on their Angel Days and it is still hard to not think about their due dates and how old they should be. I cannot ever forget that I should have 4 children happily playing with my husband and I....and I never will. The dark days have passed. I no longer think of them and feel lonely and distant. I no longer wish to die, but that isn't because I don't miss them or love them. It's simply becuase I found a new way to live, without them in my arms. i live with them in my heart, and in my dreams. I still write in a memory book when I am missing them. It's my safe place to tell them what I am feeling and how much I miss them. It's where I can put the feelings that the world doesn't think I should have. And I am at peace with that. I no longer care what others think of my loss....sometimes I don't specify how far along I was, or any details...I just talk about them as I want to and let other draw their own conclusions. It isn't up to me to make other people comfortable with my feelings or emotions concerning my babies....it's only my responsibility to help other going thorugh what I went through and giving them the comfort I found. I know your book with do that for so many!!!! I am still on the same message boards that I was a part of 5 years ago. I write and talk to women that have losses everyday, and they are always shocked that what they feel is normal. At first they feel crazy or like they shouldn't feel how they do...just as I did at first. It's such a lonely place to be...but the more women that step out and uncover the secret club that no one wants to join, the more healing women will recieve. That is what we refer to it as.....The Secret Club No One Wants to Join...because it is. And my goal is to slowly take the Secret part out. No woman should be made to feel like her feelings are not justified because her baby did not enter the world breathing air and didn't spend days, months, and years in her arms. I felt like my babies spent almost 4 years in my dreams and heart...but even besides that, I loved them from day 1...and even before.

I did not mean to make this so long. I started typing and it just poured out. I could probably talk about it 24/7...and no matter how much I do, there is always more I could say. My story is one that I feel started 5 years ago, and continues to this day....because my feelings for my children grows each day, and will until I take my last breath.

I better go now...but if you ever want to talk feel free to email me. Having read your story and seeing your precious baby I feel almost like I know you. It's weird how we have a common bond with other women that have been through this too....but we do...We're Survivors.

Hang in there, and I pray that your days are blessed beyond measure!!!

God Bless,

Christy

(budchristy)

Shayla's story

I got married in October 1995 to my high school sweetheart, I was 20 years old and Rob was 23. I had ALWAYS knew I was put on this earth to be a mom. All of the jobs I have had in my life were with children. I worked for years (starting at age 13) in our church nursery, I always loved to babysit, I worked in a daycare with the infants for 5 years, I worked in an elementary school for 5 years while attending college for my education degree. After Rob and I had been married for 3 years or so people began to ask when we were going to have children. We KNEW we wanted them, but we were so young and really just enjoying being married. To our surprise, in June 1998 we found out I was pregnant when I began to miscarry. At the time, it really didn't seem to phase us much. We didn't even know of the pregnancy until it was too late, and we were young and were not yet planning our family. Then that same year in November we found out I was pregnant again. Even though this was not planned, we were so excited! In just a weeks time the planning began. We started to renovate the upstairs in our home, had all new carpets ordered for the entire house, etc...only to miscarry 2 weeks later. I was about 7-8 weeks along. We were devestated. I cried for weeks. I was finally ready to be a mom and this happened. The doctor suggested we do some testing since this was my second loss. I underwent many, many tests. All we found was that I had low progesteron and was Rhnegative. In March 1999 I was pregnant again, this time we were trying! I was very nervous having had 2 miscarriages already. They check my progesteron and it was low again. I immediately went on supplements. After 4 months of extreme morning sickness (I lost 10 pounds in those 4 months) all went well, and after 14 hours of labor I delivered a beautiful baby girl on Novemebr 26, 1999. She was induced just 2 days before her due date. Madison Shay, my daughter was finally here weighing 6 pounds 12 ounces! We were so amazed by her, that we created such a perfect being! As the story continues, she was just 16 months and I was expecting again. It was March 2001. I was nervous, but could not contain my excitement. Knowing what I was about to do filled me with such joy, I was about to bring another baby into this world. I went to the doctor right away and he was shocked that I even knew I was pregnant yet. He said I was just days along. I knew because I woke up one morning and could smell everything!!! My blood levels were checked every other day for 2 weeks. The doctor was fine with the results after the first week, he said my progeteron looked good but I was not satisfied so I had him check again for the next week. Again after 4 months of extreme morning sickness, losing 10 pounds again, all seemed well. When I was 36 weeks pregnant I was at a routine check-up and my doctor suspected I had pre-eclamsia. My blood pressure was rising 156/92 and my platlet levels were dropping. He said I was to go get steroid injections for the baby's lungs and as soon as I was 38 weeks we would induce. That is exactly how it went, and on November 12, 2001 after 14 hours of labor, I was holding my precious baby boy, Caden Robert. He was truely a blessing and weighed 6 pounds 6 ounces. We were on top of the world, our perfect little family with a boy and a girl. We had always talked about having 4 children. Time passed and we were not really even discussing more kids yet. Then in May 2005 we again found out I was pregnant when I was losing it. I didn't seem too bother by this loss, but I was really questioning WHY this happened a third time. We focused on how blessed we were with are 2 healthy children and time went on. In August 2005 I was pregnant once again. We began planning and telling our family. The excitement was about to boil over out of us. Then 3 weeks later I miscarried AGAIN!!! I was about 8 weeks along. This miscarriage seemed very violent in the way that it happened. The crampimg was more than with the others and the loss came in a one person bathroom in a clinic waiting room. Blood was everywhere, all over me, my legs, the toilet, the floor, it was as if I were hemmoraging. The violence of it seemed to dwell in me over the next few weeks and caused me to be more upset than with the other miscarriages. Life continues around you even when you choose to not participate and that is how the next month or so was for me. Then once again, in Novemebr 2005 I was pregnant!!! WOW, three pregnancies in one year and my 7th pregnancy total!!! It was the same scenario, I was nervous, I went for blood work often. I made it through the first 4 months somehow, I do not know how. I was on the progeteron again and the moning sickness was even more extreme than with the other pregnancies, I lost 16 pounds in the first 16 weeks. I was hospitalized due to dehydration at week 12, but once the morning sickness subsided things were looking up. We finally told everyone, even our other children who were now 6 and 4. Life was starting to seem as though another baby would become a part of ours very soon. I had such a hard time being pregnant in the beginning of this one that we decided this would ultimately be our last pregnancy. Really, how much more could my body handle??? At 36 weeks pregnant I went in for a routine visit and my doctor decided to do an ultrasound. Everything looked good. He told me that he was going to be on vacation when I was actually due so he gave me the option of being induced early so he would be the one to deliver the baby. I really did not want to go through another induction. I told him "if you can induce me then why can't you just do a c-section"? He got my chart out and said to me "if you really want a c-section I can do it". He said that my rip and tear with Caden was a 3rd degree and the chances of me having a 4th degree (ripping to your rectum) is very high because Caden only weighed 6lbs. 6 oz., so if the baby is over 7 pounds I would probably have a lot of stitches. I agreed to the c-section and talk to him about tying my tubes at the same time. That was the plan, at 38 weeks, July 31, 2006 I was scheduled to have a c-section and have my tubes tied. I was then scheduled for my next and last visit at 37 weeks. I went home and really began to get excited that in just 2 weeks my baby would be here!!! I went to my 37th week appointment that next Monday. My doctor said my blood pressure was again very high (as it was with Caden's pregnancy). Just to be safe he wanted to check my liver enzymes and platlets and get a 24 hour urine collection. The nurse came in and drew my blood and gave me a container to go home and start collecting my urine. I did. They called me the next morning (Tuesday) and said my liver looked fine but my platlets were getting low. They wanted to get the results of the urine before they made any decisions. I dropped off the urine first thing Wednesday morning. I called the office just before closing that same day and they did not have the results yet. i called again first thing Thursday morning and they said the results were there but the doctor had not seen them yet. He would call me back. He did call back about 11:00 am and said all was well and they would just see me Monday for the c-section. I was a little disappointed. I was tired of being pregnant. I really did not think I could wait 4 more days. About 1:00pm that same Thursday I thought it had been a while since the baby had moved or kicked so I decided to lay down and wait. I waited a half hour and panicked--no movement. My mom took me to the hospital and they searched for the heartbeat. It was gone, my child had already left me and was with God. My world came crashing down that Thursday afternoon, July 27, 2006, just 3 1/2 days before I should have delivered. Later that evening at 5:30, my son Nolan Allen was delivered into this world stillborn at 37 1/2 weeks gestation. He was absolutely perfect. I do not know why this has happened or if I will ever come to an understanding. the wounds are still so fresh. He would be 7 weeks old right now. Our family is pulling together to deal with such a tragic death. We had a beautiful funeral for him. I have pictures of him in our home. He will always be a part of our family. I decided not to have my tubes tied that night, and we are already hoping to be pregnant again very soon. I hope my body can do it again. I know my heart will have a lot of trouble. Nolan can never be replaced, but our hearts want to love again.
Shayla

Melanie's Story

My husband and I were thrilled to learn that were going to have a baby! We couldn't even believe it! The first couple weeks after finding out were kind of unreal. I know it was pretty much the only thing I could think of! I was constantly worried the first few weeks, but after I reached the eight week mark, I started to really feel confident. I would search the internet to see how my baby was growing day by day. When I hit ten weeks I read somewhere that, "once you reach the end of this week you can breathe a big sigh of relief," and I thought, "whew! I can make it!" The next day, my sister, her boyfriend and her friend came to spend the week with us for their college spring break. As we stood around talking, I could feel something literally pouring out of me, so I ran to the bathroom and I was bleeding heavily. Immediately I thought I was having a miscarriage. I called my husband at work, and he said to call my midwife. I had no cramps, just bleeding, and a couple hours later the bleeding stopped. My midwife told me that unless I went to the emergency room, there really wasn't anything to do but wait, and that even if I did go to the ER, they wouldn't be able to do anything if I were miscarrying. So I waited. I did not sleep that night. I only prayed, all night, that God would protect my little baby. The next morning was a Sunday, and the hospital lab said they would be able to do a blood test to check my hCG. My level was far above the normal range. My midwife felt fairly confident that I could have "vanishing twin," because I had no cramping and such high hormone levels. My mom had the same thing with me, so I was pretty sure that's what it was. I went to church that night and felt pretty good. The next morning I went in for an ultrasound to make sure everything was OK. My husband and I were so excited. We were going to see our first child for the first time! I just knew everything would be fine. My midwife met us there and we went into that tiny ultrasound room. I was SO excited when I saw that little perfect looking baby. But the room was silent. the radiology technician kept looking and checking, and I began to notice that my little baby wasn't moving. It just looked like it was sleeping so peacefully. Then, there was no denying it when I saw the flat line went across the bottom that I knew was supposed to show the heartbeat. My husband thought everything was great when he saw the baby, but then when our midwife put her hand on his shoulder, he knew something was wrong. And then those words that tore my heart out, "There is no heartbeat." A radiologist came in to confirm, and I prayed they had been wrong, but I knew they weren't. The placenta still showed activity and the baby was about the size it should have been which indicated that our baby had died just recently - the night I was bleeding. Our midwife told us, "This is your child. This is your first baby. When you're ready you may want to think of a name." I don't remember what else she said, but I was so comforted that she felt just as we did, that this was our precious baby. My sister and friends were in the waiting room, and my husband and I ran out of the hospital and waved them outside, which is where we told them. We then called our parents. I needed their prayers, and I know they all prayed for us continually. I had my hCG levels checked right after, and they had dropped significantly. My body knew it was over.
I did not know what to do next. Wait to miscarry naturally or have a D&C? I prayed that the Lord would show me what I should choose. The next day I met with a doctor who performs the D&C. She told me that if I waited to miscarry naturally it could take over two weeks and that I would still have a fifty percent chance of needing the D&C in an emergency situation. I knew that I could not wait and wait, and then start to heal emotionally and then miscarry and feel that I was going through it all over again, and then still have the chance of surgery. The Lord showed me that FOR ME the D&C was the right, safe choice.
We called our pastor and asked him to tell the church on Wednesday during prayer meeting. My husband and I were working with the children in the back, but my sister said he couldn't make it through the prayer request without crying. It meant so much to us that our church was so sympathetic and comforting. It all felt unreal, but I was able to have happy times with my husband, sister and friends, and we all talked about it all the time. I think that helped a lot, just to be able to talk about everything and not bottle it up. I felt such peace that I would not have believed possible. I even experienced the joy of the Lord, which I also did not think would have been possible. I had just told my husband that I couldn't understand this peace that the Lord had given me. And then my dad called and left a message that he was praying for "the peace of God which passeth all understanding," and when I heard that, I said, "Wow! That's it! That's what I have!" I had been experiencing it, without putting 2 and 2 together and realizing that's what God was talking about!
When we went to the surgery center for the D&C early Thursday morning, I sobbed to my husband in the car on the way there, "I know our baby is in heaven, but it's also still right here inside of me and it's hard to let it go." The Lord gave me strength. The surgery went perfectly, the pathology reports came back fine. The Lord took care of me, and I didn't have to go through labor, which I was very thankful for.
Through the whole experience God's hand of love and comfort was so apparent. He made sure all the "circumstances" lined us and He led all the right people to us. There are two midwives that work interchangeably, but the one on call that week was the one who had experience miscarriage herself and was able to share that with me. The radiology technician was so kind, I am overwhelmed. He treated us like how we felt, like we were the only ones. I know he has to deal with this often, but he treated us like this was a tragedy, not an common occurrence. The next day when we were in the hospital for a doctor's appt, he saw us from down the hall and waved. We weren't just a number to him, we were people. A week later I realized I needed those ultrasound pictures. Immediately after seeing them, I wished I hadn't, because I thought it made it harder, but a week later I wanted them and i thought it would be too late. Our midwife called the hospital for us and they had those precious pictures, still. They mean more to me that you could imagine. I look at them over and over. I believe it was a gift from the Lord that we were able to get them. When we picked them up, the radiology technician was there. He gave us hugs and told us he knew he'd see us again and it would be better. The Lord knew we needed HIM to be our technician. We needed that personal touch. The doctor that I saw, who did my D&C, was the one who "just happened" to be on call that day when we needed to meet with someone. We were immediately comfortable with her. She never rushed us. She answered all our questions so honestly and she offered us such encouragement. Also, she worked so well with our midwife. Our midwife told us that the doctor kept her updated every step of the way. Every time someone would tell me what I needed to do next, and who I needed to call next, they already had called ahead, so that everyone I talked to already knew what was going on and I didn't have to repeat my story over and over. The lab workers, nurses, everyone treated us personally. I've heard other people say they were treated as a number, but we were not ever treated like that. The Lord had all the right people in line for us. Also, my sister and her friends being with us was a huge blessing. The made us meals and provided us with rays of sunshine.
My husband and I have never been closer. He is my support and my love. The night after our ultrasound, I cried off and on all night. Every time I cried, he put his arms around me, or squeezed my hand, and I could hear him snoring. He knew just what I needed even while he slept! When I felt so broken that I could not even stand, he held me and prayed with me and cried with me. The Lord always gave him the right words to say and I could have never made it without him. I love him more than I could ever express.
We decided to follow our midwife's advice and name our baby. The due date was Oct 2, 2009. That is my husband's and my favorite time of year. We love to camp in the Tetons and enjoy the beauty of the aspen trees' changing leaves. I have a picture of us from Oct 2 of last year standing at Ox Bow Bend of the Snake River with aspen trees in all their glory and the majestic Tetons behind us. So, we named our baby, Aspen. Not only because of the time of year, but because the aspens are so beautiful and brilliant when their leaves change in the fall, but it lasts only a short while and we're left with the vivid, glorious memory. That's how our little Aspen was. Aspen was with us for such a short while, but it was a beautiful and glorious time, and we will have wonderful memory forever.
Now I'm still in the healing process. My mom had given me the book, "In God's Hands: Death in the Womb," years ago to help me understand what a coworker was going through. I dug that book out and read it, and it gave me such comfort. It was so comforting to know that others had made it through similar experiences and had relied on the Lord to do so. It was also comforting to know the feelings I was having about other women due around the same time as me are normal; it wasn't strange that it hurt so much to be around newborns; feeling especially hurt that so many unwed teens have healthy babies is normal, too. The feeling of emptiness that is so intense is felt by others, also. I was actually relieved that these feelings are normal. It was a relief to know that it's OK to grieve. If I cry, it's OK. It's normal. It's good. I have my ups and downs. I just ran out of a ladies meeting bible study this week because it was on "Loving Your Children," and I could not sit there without sobbing. But it's natural to feel that way and react that way. I don't need to feel bad about it. The Lord has given me strength that I do not have myself, and I trust that His way is perfect and that He loves me. I am so grateful that I will see my little one in heaven someday. What hope! I trust that the Lord will give us healthy children someday, and I know already that I will be more thankful than I ever could have been before.
Thank you again for your book and encouragement.
Love,
Melanie Musson

Samantha's story

Mia Grace JoMarie Harris June 17, 2005....... forever in our hearts!!!
My hubby and I had been wondering for a couple weeks if I was pregnant. We had bought so many tests and they all had come back negative I told him I could not take another so we waited a few more days to see if I would start. I never did so one evening we took the test. It was positive. I was so excited, my hubby was happy to finally know. We told the kids right away. I already had two children an 8 year old boy (mine from another relationship) and a 2 year old girl, that was ours together. My pregnancy with my son had been perfect with my daughter I carried my fluid a little low but nothing to be concerned about. So why wait?? We did not have any history of problems in either of our families. We called everyone that next day. We went to the docs and saw the baby everything was great. The flow in and out of the cord everything was developing great. The heart was wonderful. But I had to have ultrasounds every couple of weeks to just keep and eye on my fluid. I remember the 12 week ultrasound they were so happy with how everything looked. I too breathed a sigh of relief. I had been having strange thoughts I had never had with any of my other pregnancy almost morbid. Every time I saw the heartbeat I was put at rest for my horrible thoughts. I thought this would put an end to it. I had made it past the "dangerous" point and was in my second trimester. If something was going to happen it would have by that point. But no sooner than I got home the thoughts come back only stronger. Really weird ones, like would it be worse to loose a baby in the womb or bring one home and have it die. I thought what kind of question is that to ask myself??!! And how could someone answer that. Neither one was acceptable!! Those thoughts went on for weeks. I would just shake my head and refuse to answer them or even ponder on them! What kind of mother was I to be thinking like this. After all I had no reason to worry. 2 perfect pregnancies no family history of problems and I had made it past my 12 weeks. Shoot at this point I was staring down 20 weeks. Almost 1/2 done!!
I had been so sick this pregnancy and had never experienced this with either of my other pregnancies and kind of excused those thoughts on that. Looking back I know it was God trying to prepare me, but my stubborn self could not except that.
I was 18 and 1/2 weeks it was a summer Thursday night and my son was spending the night at my moms house, and I had just tucked my 2 year old daughter into bed. She was so excited to be getting a sister for her 3rd birthday as they baby was due Thanksgiving day 2 days after her birthday. I read her a book we joked and laughed and had a great time. That was honestly that last time I would feel complete again. I remember that naive feeling of completeness and no worry during pregnancy. I had been shopping earlier that day and bought the baby an outfit, a book to read her in the hospital, and a fish ribbon toy I had found as her nursery was aquatic themed. We had started getting things gathered up and put together as we went along. As we are not rich and can not wait to the last moment to prepare for the baby so we would do a little out of each pay period. We had the play pen the changing table and bouncer seat all in the theme at the house. I had been to the glass store and bought some cute fish for her wall. There was about 5 or six new outfits bought and tons of totes in the attic full of little girl clothes. I had started bringing them down with the crib and it was leaned up against a wall in my hubbies and my room. I walked past all this as I left my daughter after tucking her in. I went downstairs to spend the evening with my husband and stopped by the bathroom on my way. I wiped and looked at the toilet paper. More of my morbid ideas... this time it had happened! There was a slight tinge of pink. I panicked! I called the hospital right away. The OB floor told me this was normal. NOT FOR ME!! I had had two other pregnancies and NEVER had even spotting during either of them. So , I called my OB. He knew this was not normal for me either. I had an appointment Monday, but he did not want to wait that long. He sent me to the ER. I drove myself there. As my hubby had to stay with our daughter and my mom had my son. So I was there alone. They could not find a heart beat but could hear her playing. All the staff in the ER was relieved to hear her playing in there. Now I am a large girl so not hearing a heartbeat was not abnormal as we had not heard it in the OB's office only seen it on ultrasound. So I was not stressed at all. There was movement. I was happy. This meant bed rest. I could live with that, is what was going through my head. They did blood work the ER doc came back in and said I needed and ultrasound that they were keeping me overnight and I would be first in for the ultrasound. I was ok with that, as my OB likes to cover all the basis and I figured this was just on his orders for precaution. The next day they came in my room and started a catheter. I was upset as to why. They said my bladder was not going to be full enough to do an ultrasound so they were going to pump it full to get the shots they needed. Then wheeled me alone to the ultrasound room.
In there they had turned the monitor so I could not see. I was in complete denial. They would not even look at me in there. I tried and tried to get them to say something. Nothing they still could not look at me. Finally I had bent so I could see... there she was my baby. She was in there all was ok... they jerked the monitor around farther so I could not see at all no matter how I tried. There was movement, I had just seen her, and many women bleed during pregnancy. How bad could it be? They wheeled me back to my room. After a while the doc came in and asked if the ultrasound girls had talked to me any, I said NO. He asked if anyone was here to be with me yet and again I said NO, at this point they were all on there way and trying to get someone to be there with me. The doc sat on the edge of my bed and told me my blood work the night before had come back negative, but there was no way to be sure but through an ultrasound and there was no heart beat. The baby had passed. I looked at him and coked my head a little in disbelief, it had to be a sick joke... I looked into his eyes and saw he was being sincere. I screamed. He left the room. I called my mommy screaming for her to get there my baby was dead! I called my best friend at the time and she said it was Gods way of saying we did not need another baby as we could not afford another, it would have been to much a financial strain on all of the family. That was the last I have spoke to her to date.
My hubby walked through the door as they were wanting to wheel me to same day surgery as my OB felt a DNC would be best for me. He did not want to send me home that far along to give birth to my dead baby alone. And as I had a C-section he did not want a chance of rupture. I screamed for everyone to leave the room and my husband held me while I screamed. I never saw him shed a tear until about a year after her death. I was such a mess he never got the chance to be one.
I was in waiting outside of OR when my Ob showed up he held me and cried with us. Finally came the time to decide what to do. My husband and I wanted to bury her. Our OB pulled him aside and told him that would be fine but with a DNC she would not come out looking like a baby and we would never know what happened to her. If we let them send her away we would know what to do for the next pregnancy as they both knew in time I would want to try again. So my husband made the choice to find out what happened. I remember being put under and waking up with a horrible headache and being giving morphine for it. I remember being in recovery still screaming for my baby that they had taken her against my will. I wanted to take her home. They were not her mother! I had what she need at home. The nurses asked me what I had at home for her that was so important as they sedated me, all I could say was "Fish." I know those poor ladies had to of thought I was off my rocker, but everything for her had fish on it at home.
I woke up again in a private room I guess I was to much to handle waking up screaming every few moments in recovery. My hubby was sitting beside me watching Little House on the Prairie. The nurse came in immediately, and asked if she could help I remember feeling the need to go to the bathroom so bad. She helped me stand up. The feeling was more than I could stand I crumbled to the floor sobbing a primal cry. She asked if I was in pain. Yes I shook my head, No I shook my head, then Yes again. How do I explain what I was feeling. There was no physical pain, yet I was in the worst pain of my life! I remember feeling so full of life just moments ago it seemed to me. Feeling my baby move playing and when I stood up there was NOTHING. I felt like a hallowed out chocolate bunny. I had gone from the most full of life feeling any woman will ever feel during pregnancy to seconds later NOTHING! It was and is the worst pain I have ever experience, yet it was all emotional. My husband dismissed the nurse and told her he would help me. I was bleeding in the bathroom. My body had betrayed me and my baby. I was to weak to emotional to bear it all. My husband the best man God could ever give me helped me clean up the proof our daughter was indeed gone. The nurse said I was being dismissed and to wait on transport as I signed the papers. It was more than I could bear again. Somewhere in that building was my daughter, and I had to leave without her. If I thought on it for anytime I would never be able to leave. I told her I was walking out. I could not wait on transport. At that I made haste to get out of there. My husband had to run to catch up to me. I heard the nurse calling to me. And we left.
I walked through the door of our place and there was all her things she would never see. Never get to use. The house seemed so empty even with the other two children there. This was NOT how our homecoming was supposed to be. This was not in my plans! That night I finally passed out and right away the night terrors started. My dreams were sweet. I was holding my daughter I counted her toes. I smelled her hair. I nursed her. She held my finger with her tiny perfect little fingers so pink and cute. She smelled so new and fresh. I felt whole. The kids helped run and get diapers for her. Then I awoke. Into a dark room there was her bed, her quilt I was making her, her fish on the wall, her book I was to read her in our alone time in the hospital, her changing table, and her coming home outfit. I screamed this had to be a nightmare. My husband spent many nights holding me down trying to calm me as I awoke like this. We decided it would be for the best to send the kids away to the grandparent for awhile. He took two weeks off from work, never leaving my side. Everyday after that when he left he made sure I had a sitter, as he was affraid to leave me alone. Had I not had the other two children he would of had cause for consern. But I would never leave my two babies here. I would walk 5 miles every morning and another 5 every night I would spend all day cleaning trying to exaughst myself so I would not wake like that. It never worked. I spent my walks talking with God. I was never mad at him. He is a just and loving God. He never gives one more than you can handle. This was my test. I was failing!!! I knew it. In time the screaming passed God had helped me through it. Next came my human nature trying to rationalize and make since of WHY this happened. I would wake my hubby up sometimes over 20 times a night with the same sentence..."Maybe it was (fill in the blank) I did that killed our baby." He would always answer it was not my fault but I never really believed that. It was not Gods fault, She had been entrusted to me, there was no way any one else could be to blame as she was in my body. So, there for while I would never purposely hurt my child it had to be something I had done and over looked and was now spending all my free time trying to figure it out. Honestly it took me every bit of 2 years of this, before my stubborn bull headed self opened 100% to the Lord and was revealed the verse in the bible that said, Gods ways are not our ways. That we are not to questions Gods ways as he can see the bigger picture. Also, I began to think of Jesus and how God gave him to us to save us. He died and went to Hell. A place my baby will never know. How blessed is that. God did not give me her death on my own, as he had his son die too. God knew what I was feeling. God knew how bad for me it was, would be, and at times still is. Yet, in his big picture her death was better than her living. I must trust that my God knows best. She lived inside me for almost 5 months. I got to bond with that baby love her and know her. No one else did. For that I am blessed. She was here however short, for a purpose. God would never let anyone hurt one of his children and let her leave before her purpose was fulfilled. I know in my heart of hearts that I did nothing but love this little girl and did not wrong to her. Only God can give this peace. Praise his name!!!
My husband and I did go on to have another child, a boy. We named him Quade, it means 4th as he is the 4th child. A way to memorialize his sister who will forever be in our hearts. We love you baby girl!!!

Johanna's Story

I would very much like to share my story. I got your book yesterday and read it in 35 minutes, it was scary how similar our staries are! I just want to tell you it is really nice to have someone to talk to who has been through it and wont judge me. I have no-one (husband excluded, he is my rock) to talk to. No-one I know has been through a miscarriage, so that is really hard. So here
goes.
My husband and I just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on Sept. 9 we have 3 beautiful daughters, Katelyn is 15 (she is from his previous marriage but she lives with us full time) and our two daughters together Madelyn is 5 and Olivia is 2. We got pregnant really easy with Maddie. 6 weeks after our wedding I found out I was 2 weeks along it was a wonderful surprise. We were not so lucky concieving Olivia. It took 2 1/2 years and 8 infertility drugs to get her. So having had so much trouble getting her, we decided to start trying with baby #3 right away. We both come from big families and would like to have a big family ourselves.
It took 22 months and many failed attempts with infertility drugs to see the 2 pink lines. It was June 18th 2006 and I bought a test and sure enough it was positive. So of course I bought 6 more tests just to be sure and they all came back positive. We were thrilled, after waiting so
long I was pregnant and without the use of medicine!!
We told everyone and I started showing right away. I figured I was about 9 weeks along. My periods were always irregular so I guess I didn't noticed I was that late. I felt awesome and I loved the morning sickness because hey, I was pregnant. With my first two pregnancies I NEVER thought of miscarriage but this one was different. I would stand in the shower and wonder how I would deal with a miscarriage if it happened, but I just thought I was being paranoid, I guess it was God's way of kinda preparing me.
June 28th my first prenatal appt. Something was weird when I woke up and got dressed. My stomach was flat and my maternity pants just didn't fit like they had the day before, but I had been nauseous so I didn't worry to much. I had a feeling I was pregnant with twins, which I wanted since I was a little girl so at my appt. I told the Dr. that I had this feeling and she examined me and told me I was measuring bigger than 11 weeks so she decided to do an
ultrasound. My husband and daughters were there, big mistake, I will never have them attend any future appts. if I get pregnant again.
We all went into the room and the Dr. got started and her first words were "oh no" and my heart just sank. Not only did we lose one but I was right, it was twins! We were devistated. It was not my usual Dr. so I was uncomfortable talking to her about this, so I talked to the nurse she told us what to expect and we left.
That night Jim (my husband) called everyone, including my pregnant sister who at that moment I did not want to see (we have never been very close). She came over and the first words out of her mouth were, "Don't worry my baby is healthy." I wanted to hurt her. I did not care about her, I just wanted her to hug me and tell me everything was ok. I mean I still had 2 dead babies inside of me and she was telling me her baby was healthy? Then she proceded to ask me for all my maternity clothes saying "since you don't need them anymore can I have them?" At that very moment I wanted to burn my maternity clothes not give them to her. I was so upset.
Later that night my husband called her and and said, "How dare you come into my home and
insult my wife on the hardest day of our lives." And I hadn't talked to her until yesterday (Sept. 16) when she told me until I divorce Jim she and I will never have a relationship and she wants nothing to do with me. Well, Jim and I are so happy together I would NEVER even consider that request so that is what I am dealing with now.
On June 29th I went in for a D&C with my usual Dr. I didn't want to deliver at home. My husband works a lot and he had to go back the next day. (I'm a stay at home mom so he needs to work). And I didn't want our girls to see anything because I didn't know what really to expect. The only thing I remember about the surgery is waking up and seeing a metal bowl with two golf ball sized things in there. So I did get to see our babies and say good bye to them. I swear they are the boys we wanted so bad but we would have LOVED more girls as well.
Two weeks later I was suffering from major depression so my Dr. put me on some anti-depressants and they help but I still am mourning, is that normal? It's been almost 3 months. I went to a friend's baby shower last weekend and had to leave as soon as I saw her. I went through a real anger stage but I think that is towards my sister and her comments.
Have you had another baby since losing Jeremiah? I want so desperately to get pregnant again. I'm scared to though I don't ever want to go through this again, and I don't think I will ever be able to get over this loss. I went through the same feelings as you, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Was it the spray paint I smelled while the girls and I did an art project the week before I found out I was pregnant, or when my daughter broke her arm I stood behind the x-ray wall - did it not work and I had radiation in my system?
Thank you for your book. It made me realize that I'm not crazy.
Thank you!! Johanna

Angela's Story

Hello, I received your book today, I also read it cover to cover during my 2 1/2 year old son's nap. Thank you for sharing your story. There really isn't that many books out there that deal with this subject. I have read a number of them but yours was the first that was... one woman's personal story with at the end an encouragement to respond.
I really related to your story. I too lost my son. I was 19 weeks 4 days when at my routine visit heard the news that my son had no heartbeat and had died 2 to 3 weeks before. I however delivered him at the hospital. This had been my third pregancy and there were things I had done that I hadn't in previous pregancy like your thoughts of misscarriage, I found myself praying at night to watch over me and my baby, that all would be okay. I never did that with my other 2 pregancies.
I delivered Luc Stephen Gardner June 2, 2006. I have enclosed a photo of him...I hope that is okay. I also believe he was a living breathing human being whose life deserves to be recognized. I am so sorry to read of your loss and I hope you have found peace with your situition. I believe everyone has a purpose in life and everything happens for a reason. That is the biggest thing that gets me thru each and everday. I know he is with God in Heaven and that one day I will be with him again.

Again, Thank you so much for your book.
Angela Gardner

***

Thank you, I love that picture of my son Luc. Luc had been passed away for approximately 2 to 2 1/2 weeks before I found out so he probably died at 17 weeks. I delivered at 19 1/2 weeks. They did induce my labor but I did not take any kind of pain medication or have an epidural to deliver him...the placenta would not deliver and I was losing a lot of blood so they took me to surgery to have a D&C to remove the placenta...It wasn't til then that I accepted something for my pain. I experienced a post-partum depression that I never felt with my other 2 pregnancies.
I also poured myself into a scrapbook for my son the weeks that followed his death and funeral service. It is a beautiful book that like you I put all I could into it. My husband and I, along with our two sons and the rest of my extended family following Luc's services came to my home and planted 2 trees in his memory.

I am very happy to hear you and your husband conceived once again and your son arrived to your arms safe and sound. It has been 3 months since our loss and I just found out yesterday I am once again pregnant. This news comes with a lot of emotion as you well know. According to a phone call made to my doctor I am now 5 weeks and 4 days along. I have only told my husband and I am waiting til after my first doctor appointment to tell my sons and other family members.

Thank you for responding, I look forward to hearing back from you.

Angela Gardner