Samantha's story

Mia Grace JoMarie Harris June 17, 2005....... forever in our hearts!!!
My hubby and I had been wondering for a couple weeks if I was pregnant. We had bought so many tests and they all had come back negative I told him I could not take another so we waited a few more days to see if I would start. I never did so one evening we took the test. It was positive. I was so excited, my hubby was happy to finally know. We told the kids right away. I already had two children an 8 year old boy (mine from another relationship) and a 2 year old girl, that was ours together. My pregnancy with my son had been perfect with my daughter I carried my fluid a little low but nothing to be concerned about. So why wait?? We did not have any history of problems in either of our families. We called everyone that next day. We went to the docs and saw the baby everything was great. The flow in and out of the cord everything was developing great. The heart was wonderful. But I had to have ultrasounds every couple of weeks to just keep and eye on my fluid. I remember the 12 week ultrasound they were so happy with how everything looked. I too breathed a sigh of relief. I had been having strange thoughts I had never had with any of my other pregnancy almost morbid. Every time I saw the heartbeat I was put at rest for my horrible thoughts. I thought this would put an end to it. I had made it past the "dangerous" point and was in my second trimester. If something was going to happen it would have by that point. But no sooner than I got home the thoughts come back only stronger. Really weird ones, like would it be worse to loose a baby in the womb or bring one home and have it die. I thought what kind of question is that to ask myself??!! And how could someone answer that. Neither one was acceptable!! Those thoughts went on for weeks. I would just shake my head and refuse to answer them or even ponder on them! What kind of mother was I to be thinking like this. After all I had no reason to worry. 2 perfect pregnancies no family history of problems and I had made it past my 12 weeks. Shoot at this point I was staring down 20 weeks. Almost 1/2 done!!
I had been so sick this pregnancy and had never experienced this with either of my other pregnancies and kind of excused those thoughts on that. Looking back I know it was God trying to prepare me, but my stubborn self could not except that.
I was 18 and 1/2 weeks it was a summer Thursday night and my son was spending the night at my moms house, and I had just tucked my 2 year old daughter into bed. She was so excited to be getting a sister for her 3rd birthday as they baby was due Thanksgiving day 2 days after her birthday. I read her a book we joked and laughed and had a great time. That was honestly that last time I would feel complete again. I remember that naive feeling of completeness and no worry during pregnancy. I had been shopping earlier that day and bought the baby an outfit, a book to read her in the hospital, and a fish ribbon toy I had found as her nursery was aquatic themed. We had started getting things gathered up and put together as we went along. As we are not rich and can not wait to the last moment to prepare for the baby so we would do a little out of each pay period. We had the play pen the changing table and bouncer seat all in the theme at the house. I had been to the glass store and bought some cute fish for her wall. There was about 5 or six new outfits bought and tons of totes in the attic full of little girl clothes. I had started bringing them down with the crib and it was leaned up against a wall in my hubbies and my room. I walked past all this as I left my daughter after tucking her in. I went downstairs to spend the evening with my husband and stopped by the bathroom on my way. I wiped and looked at the toilet paper. More of my morbid ideas... this time it had happened! There was a slight tinge of pink. I panicked! I called the hospital right away. The OB floor told me this was normal. NOT FOR ME!! I had had two other pregnancies and NEVER had even spotting during either of them. So , I called my OB. He knew this was not normal for me either. I had an appointment Monday, but he did not want to wait that long. He sent me to the ER. I drove myself there. As my hubby had to stay with our daughter and my mom had my son. So I was there alone. They could not find a heart beat but could hear her playing. All the staff in the ER was relieved to hear her playing in there. Now I am a large girl so not hearing a heartbeat was not abnormal as we had not heard it in the OB's office only seen it on ultrasound. So I was not stressed at all. There was movement. I was happy. This meant bed rest. I could live with that, is what was going through my head. They did blood work the ER doc came back in and said I needed and ultrasound that they were keeping me overnight and I would be first in for the ultrasound. I was ok with that, as my OB likes to cover all the basis and I figured this was just on his orders for precaution. The next day they came in my room and started a catheter. I was upset as to why. They said my bladder was not going to be full enough to do an ultrasound so they were going to pump it full to get the shots they needed. Then wheeled me alone to the ultrasound room.
In there they had turned the monitor so I could not see. I was in complete denial. They would not even look at me in there. I tried and tried to get them to say something. Nothing they still could not look at me. Finally I had bent so I could see... there she was my baby. She was in there all was ok... they jerked the monitor around farther so I could not see at all no matter how I tried. There was movement, I had just seen her, and many women bleed during pregnancy. How bad could it be? They wheeled me back to my room. After a while the doc came in and asked if the ultrasound girls had talked to me any, I said NO. He asked if anyone was here to be with me yet and again I said NO, at this point they were all on there way and trying to get someone to be there with me. The doc sat on the edge of my bed and told me my blood work the night before had come back negative, but there was no way to be sure but through an ultrasound and there was no heart beat. The baby had passed. I looked at him and coked my head a little in disbelief, it had to be a sick joke... I looked into his eyes and saw he was being sincere. I screamed. He left the room. I called my mommy screaming for her to get there my baby was dead! I called my best friend at the time and she said it was Gods way of saying we did not need another baby as we could not afford another, it would have been to much a financial strain on all of the family. That was the last I have spoke to her to date.
My hubby walked through the door as they were wanting to wheel me to same day surgery as my OB felt a DNC would be best for me. He did not want to send me home that far along to give birth to my dead baby alone. And as I had a C-section he did not want a chance of rupture. I screamed for everyone to leave the room and my husband held me while I screamed. I never saw him shed a tear until about a year after her death. I was such a mess he never got the chance to be one.
I was in waiting outside of OR when my Ob showed up he held me and cried with us. Finally came the time to decide what to do. My husband and I wanted to bury her. Our OB pulled him aside and told him that would be fine but with a DNC she would not come out looking like a baby and we would never know what happened to her. If we let them send her away we would know what to do for the next pregnancy as they both knew in time I would want to try again. So my husband made the choice to find out what happened. I remember being put under and waking up with a horrible headache and being giving morphine for it. I remember being in recovery still screaming for my baby that they had taken her against my will. I wanted to take her home. They were not her mother! I had what she need at home. The nurses asked me what I had at home for her that was so important as they sedated me, all I could say was "Fish." I know those poor ladies had to of thought I was off my rocker, but everything for her had fish on it at home.
I woke up again in a private room I guess I was to much to handle waking up screaming every few moments in recovery. My hubby was sitting beside me watching Little House on the Prairie. The nurse came in immediately, and asked if she could help I remember feeling the need to go to the bathroom so bad. She helped me stand up. The feeling was more than I could stand I crumbled to the floor sobbing a primal cry. She asked if I was in pain. Yes I shook my head, No I shook my head, then Yes again. How do I explain what I was feeling. There was no physical pain, yet I was in the worst pain of my life! I remember feeling so full of life just moments ago it seemed to me. Feeling my baby move playing and when I stood up there was NOTHING. I felt like a hallowed out chocolate bunny. I had gone from the most full of life feeling any woman will ever feel during pregnancy to seconds later NOTHING! It was and is the worst pain I have ever experience, yet it was all emotional. My husband dismissed the nurse and told her he would help me. I was bleeding in the bathroom. My body had betrayed me and my baby. I was to weak to emotional to bear it all. My husband the best man God could ever give me helped me clean up the proof our daughter was indeed gone. The nurse said I was being dismissed and to wait on transport as I signed the papers. It was more than I could bear again. Somewhere in that building was my daughter, and I had to leave without her. If I thought on it for anytime I would never be able to leave. I told her I was walking out. I could not wait on transport. At that I made haste to get out of there. My husband had to run to catch up to me. I heard the nurse calling to me. And we left.
I walked through the door of our place and there was all her things she would never see. Never get to use. The house seemed so empty even with the other two children there. This was NOT how our homecoming was supposed to be. This was not in my plans! That night I finally passed out and right away the night terrors started. My dreams were sweet. I was holding my daughter I counted her toes. I smelled her hair. I nursed her. She held my finger with her tiny perfect little fingers so pink and cute. She smelled so new and fresh. I felt whole. The kids helped run and get diapers for her. Then I awoke. Into a dark room there was her bed, her quilt I was making her, her fish on the wall, her book I was to read her in our alone time in the hospital, her changing table, and her coming home outfit. I screamed this had to be a nightmare. My husband spent many nights holding me down trying to calm me as I awoke like this. We decided it would be for the best to send the kids away to the grandparent for awhile. He took two weeks off from work, never leaving my side. Everyday after that when he left he made sure I had a sitter, as he was affraid to leave me alone. Had I not had the other two children he would of had cause for consern. But I would never leave my two babies here. I would walk 5 miles every morning and another 5 every night I would spend all day cleaning trying to exaughst myself so I would not wake like that. It never worked. I spent my walks talking with God. I was never mad at him. He is a just and loving God. He never gives one more than you can handle. This was my test. I was failing!!! I knew it. In time the screaming passed God had helped me through it. Next came my human nature trying to rationalize and make since of WHY this happened. I would wake my hubby up sometimes over 20 times a night with the same sentence..."Maybe it was (fill in the blank) I did that killed our baby." He would always answer it was not my fault but I never really believed that. It was not Gods fault, She had been entrusted to me, there was no way any one else could be to blame as she was in my body. So, there for while I would never purposely hurt my child it had to be something I had done and over looked and was now spending all my free time trying to figure it out. Honestly it took me every bit of 2 years of this, before my stubborn bull headed self opened 100% to the Lord and was revealed the verse in the bible that said, Gods ways are not our ways. That we are not to questions Gods ways as he can see the bigger picture. Also, I began to think of Jesus and how God gave him to us to save us. He died and went to Hell. A place my baby will never know. How blessed is that. God did not give me her death on my own, as he had his son die too. God knew what I was feeling. God knew how bad for me it was, would be, and at times still is. Yet, in his big picture her death was better than her living. I must trust that my God knows best. She lived inside me for almost 5 months. I got to bond with that baby love her and know her. No one else did. For that I am blessed. She was here however short, for a purpose. God would never let anyone hurt one of his children and let her leave before her purpose was fulfilled. I know in my heart of hearts that I did nothing but love this little girl and did not wrong to her. Only God can give this peace. Praise his name!!!
My husband and I did go on to have another child, a boy. We named him Quade, it means 4th as he is the 4th child. A way to memorialize his sister who will forever be in our hearts. We love you baby girl!!!