Johanna's Story

I would very much like to share my story. I got your book yesterday and read it in 35 minutes, it was scary how similar our staries are! I just want to tell you it is really nice to have someone to talk to who has been through it and wont judge me. I have no-one (husband excluded, he is my rock) to talk to. No-one I know has been through a miscarriage, so that is really hard. So here
goes.
My husband and I just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on Sept. 9 we have 3 beautiful daughters, Katelyn is 15 (she is from his previous marriage but she lives with us full time) and our two daughters together Madelyn is 5 and Olivia is 2. We got pregnant really easy with Maddie. 6 weeks after our wedding I found out I was 2 weeks along it was a wonderful surprise. We were not so lucky concieving Olivia. It took 2 1/2 years and 8 infertility drugs to get her. So having had so much trouble getting her, we decided to start trying with baby #3 right away. We both come from big families and would like to have a big family ourselves.
It took 22 months and many failed attempts with infertility drugs to see the 2 pink lines. It was June 18th 2006 and I bought a test and sure enough it was positive. So of course I bought 6 more tests just to be sure and they all came back positive. We were thrilled, after waiting so
long I was pregnant and without the use of medicine!!
We told everyone and I started showing right away. I figured I was about 9 weeks along. My periods were always irregular so I guess I didn't noticed I was that late. I felt awesome and I loved the morning sickness because hey, I was pregnant. With my first two pregnancies I NEVER thought of miscarriage but this one was different. I would stand in the shower and wonder how I would deal with a miscarriage if it happened, but I just thought I was being paranoid, I guess it was God's way of kinda preparing me.
June 28th my first prenatal appt. Something was weird when I woke up and got dressed. My stomach was flat and my maternity pants just didn't fit like they had the day before, but I had been nauseous so I didn't worry to much. I had a feeling I was pregnant with twins, which I wanted since I was a little girl so at my appt. I told the Dr. that I had this feeling and she examined me and told me I was measuring bigger than 11 weeks so she decided to do an
ultrasound. My husband and daughters were there, big mistake, I will never have them attend any future appts. if I get pregnant again.
We all went into the room and the Dr. got started and her first words were "oh no" and my heart just sank. Not only did we lose one but I was right, it was twins! We were devistated. It was not my usual Dr. so I was uncomfortable talking to her about this, so I talked to the nurse she told us what to expect and we left.
That night Jim (my husband) called everyone, including my pregnant sister who at that moment I did not want to see (we have never been very close). She came over and the first words out of her mouth were, "Don't worry my baby is healthy." I wanted to hurt her. I did not care about her, I just wanted her to hug me and tell me everything was ok. I mean I still had 2 dead babies inside of me and she was telling me her baby was healthy? Then she proceded to ask me for all my maternity clothes saying "since you don't need them anymore can I have them?" At that very moment I wanted to burn my maternity clothes not give them to her. I was so upset.
Later that night my husband called her and and said, "How dare you come into my home and
insult my wife on the hardest day of our lives." And I hadn't talked to her until yesterday (Sept. 16) when she told me until I divorce Jim she and I will never have a relationship and she wants nothing to do with me. Well, Jim and I are so happy together I would NEVER even consider that request so that is what I am dealing with now.
On June 29th I went in for a D&C with my usual Dr. I didn't want to deliver at home. My husband works a lot and he had to go back the next day. (I'm a stay at home mom so he needs to work). And I didn't want our girls to see anything because I didn't know what really to expect. The only thing I remember about the surgery is waking up and seeing a metal bowl with two golf ball sized things in there. So I did get to see our babies and say good bye to them. I swear they are the boys we wanted so bad but we would have LOVED more girls as well.
Two weeks later I was suffering from major depression so my Dr. put me on some anti-depressants and they help but I still am mourning, is that normal? It's been almost 3 months. I went to a friend's baby shower last weekend and had to leave as soon as I saw her. I went through a real anger stage but I think that is towards my sister and her comments.
Have you had another baby since losing Jeremiah? I want so desperately to get pregnant again. I'm scared to though I don't ever want to go through this again, and I don't think I will ever be able to get over this loss. I went through the same feelings as you, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Was it the spray paint I smelled while the girls and I did an art project the week before I found out I was pregnant, or when my daughter broke her arm I stood behind the x-ray wall - did it not work and I had radiation in my system?
Thank you for your book. It made me realize that I'm not crazy.
Thank you!! Johanna