Melanie's Story

My husband and I were thrilled to learn that were going to have a baby! We couldn't even believe it! The first couple weeks after finding out were kind of unreal. I know it was pretty much the only thing I could think of! I was constantly worried the first few weeks, but after I reached the eight week mark, I started to really feel confident. I would search the internet to see how my baby was growing day by day. When I hit ten weeks I read somewhere that, "once you reach the end of this week you can breathe a big sigh of relief," and I thought, "whew! I can make it!" The next day, my sister, her boyfriend and her friend came to spend the week with us for their college spring break. As we stood around talking, I could feel something literally pouring out of me, so I ran to the bathroom and I was bleeding heavily. Immediately I thought I was having a miscarriage. I called my husband at work, and he said to call my midwife. I had no cramps, just bleeding, and a couple hours later the bleeding stopped. My midwife told me that unless I went to the emergency room, there really wasn't anything to do but wait, and that even if I did go to the ER, they wouldn't be able to do anything if I were miscarrying. So I waited. I did not sleep that night. I only prayed, all night, that God would protect my little baby. The next morning was a Sunday, and the hospital lab said they would be able to do a blood test to check my hCG. My level was far above the normal range. My midwife felt fairly confident that I could have "vanishing twin," because I had no cramping and such high hormone levels. My mom had the same thing with me, so I was pretty sure that's what it was. I went to church that night and felt pretty good. The next morning I went in for an ultrasound to make sure everything was OK. My husband and I were so excited. We were going to see our first child for the first time! I just knew everything would be fine. My midwife met us there and we went into that tiny ultrasound room. I was SO excited when I saw that little perfect looking baby. But the room was silent. the radiology technician kept looking and checking, and I began to notice that my little baby wasn't moving. It just looked like it was sleeping so peacefully. Then, there was no denying it when I saw the flat line went across the bottom that I knew was supposed to show the heartbeat. My husband thought everything was great when he saw the baby, but then when our midwife put her hand on his shoulder, he knew something was wrong. And then those words that tore my heart out, "There is no heartbeat." A radiologist came in to confirm, and I prayed they had been wrong, but I knew they weren't. The placenta still showed activity and the baby was about the size it should have been which indicated that our baby had died just recently - the night I was bleeding. Our midwife told us, "This is your child. This is your first baby. When you're ready you may want to think of a name." I don't remember what else she said, but I was so comforted that she felt just as we did, that this was our precious baby. My sister and friends were in the waiting room, and my husband and I ran out of the hospital and waved them outside, which is where we told them. We then called our parents. I needed their prayers, and I know they all prayed for us continually. I had my hCG levels checked right after, and they had dropped significantly. My body knew it was over.
I did not know what to do next. Wait to miscarry naturally or have a D&C? I prayed that the Lord would show me what I should choose. The next day I met with a doctor who performs the D&C. She told me that if I waited to miscarry naturally it could take over two weeks and that I would still have a fifty percent chance of needing the D&C in an emergency situation. I knew that I could not wait and wait, and then start to heal emotionally and then miscarry and feel that I was going through it all over again, and then still have the chance of surgery. The Lord showed me that FOR ME the D&C was the right, safe choice.
We called our pastor and asked him to tell the church on Wednesday during prayer meeting. My husband and I were working with the children in the back, but my sister said he couldn't make it through the prayer request without crying. It meant so much to us that our church was so sympathetic and comforting. It all felt unreal, but I was able to have happy times with my husband, sister and friends, and we all talked about it all the time. I think that helped a lot, just to be able to talk about everything and not bottle it up. I felt such peace that I would not have believed possible. I even experienced the joy of the Lord, which I also did not think would have been possible. I had just told my husband that I couldn't understand this peace that the Lord had given me. And then my dad called and left a message that he was praying for "the peace of God which passeth all understanding," and when I heard that, I said, "Wow! That's it! That's what I have!" I had been experiencing it, without putting 2 and 2 together and realizing that's what God was talking about!
When we went to the surgery center for the D&C early Thursday morning, I sobbed to my husband in the car on the way there, "I know our baby is in heaven, but it's also still right here inside of me and it's hard to let it go." The Lord gave me strength. The surgery went perfectly, the pathology reports came back fine. The Lord took care of me, and I didn't have to go through labor, which I was very thankful for.
Through the whole experience God's hand of love and comfort was so apparent. He made sure all the "circumstances" lined us and He led all the right people to us. There are two midwives that work interchangeably, but the one on call that week was the one who had experience miscarriage herself and was able to share that with me. The radiology technician was so kind, I am overwhelmed. He treated us like how we felt, like we were the only ones. I know he has to deal with this often, but he treated us like this was a tragedy, not an common occurrence. The next day when we were in the hospital for a doctor's appt, he saw us from down the hall and waved. We weren't just a number to him, we were people. A week later I realized I needed those ultrasound pictures. Immediately after seeing them, I wished I hadn't, because I thought it made it harder, but a week later I wanted them and i thought it would be too late. Our midwife called the hospital for us and they had those precious pictures, still. They mean more to me that you could imagine. I look at them over and over. I believe it was a gift from the Lord that we were able to get them. When we picked them up, the radiology technician was there. He gave us hugs and told us he knew he'd see us again and it would be better. The Lord knew we needed HIM to be our technician. We needed that personal touch. The doctor that I saw, who did my D&C, was the one who "just happened" to be on call that day when we needed to meet with someone. We were immediately comfortable with her. She never rushed us. She answered all our questions so honestly and she offered us such encouragement. Also, she worked so well with our midwife. Our midwife told us that the doctor kept her updated every step of the way. Every time someone would tell me what I needed to do next, and who I needed to call next, they already had called ahead, so that everyone I talked to already knew what was going on and I didn't have to repeat my story over and over. The lab workers, nurses, everyone treated us personally. I've heard other people say they were treated as a number, but we were not ever treated like that. The Lord had all the right people in line for us. Also, my sister and her friends being with us was a huge blessing. The made us meals and provided us with rays of sunshine.
My husband and I have never been closer. He is my support and my love. The night after our ultrasound, I cried off and on all night. Every time I cried, he put his arms around me, or squeezed my hand, and I could hear him snoring. He knew just what I needed even while he slept! When I felt so broken that I could not even stand, he held me and prayed with me and cried with me. The Lord always gave him the right words to say and I could have never made it without him. I love him more than I could ever express.
We decided to follow our midwife's advice and name our baby. The due date was Oct 2, 2009. That is my husband's and my favorite time of year. We love to camp in the Tetons and enjoy the beauty of the aspen trees' changing leaves. I have a picture of us from Oct 2 of last year standing at Ox Bow Bend of the Snake River with aspen trees in all their glory and the majestic Tetons behind us. So, we named our baby, Aspen. Not only because of the time of year, but because the aspens are so beautiful and brilliant when their leaves change in the fall, but it lasts only a short while and we're left with the vivid, glorious memory. That's how our little Aspen was. Aspen was with us for such a short while, but it was a beautiful and glorious time, and we will have wonderful memory forever.
Now I'm still in the healing process. My mom had given me the book, "In God's Hands: Death in the Womb," years ago to help me understand what a coworker was going through. I dug that book out and read it, and it gave me such comfort. It was so comforting to know that others had made it through similar experiences and had relied on the Lord to do so. It was also comforting to know the feelings I was having about other women due around the same time as me are normal; it wasn't strange that it hurt so much to be around newborns; feeling especially hurt that so many unwed teens have healthy babies is normal, too. The feeling of emptiness that is so intense is felt by others, also. I was actually relieved that these feelings are normal. It was a relief to know that it's OK to grieve. If I cry, it's OK. It's normal. It's good. I have my ups and downs. I just ran out of a ladies meeting bible study this week because it was on "Loving Your Children," and I could not sit there without sobbing. But it's natural to feel that way and react that way. I don't need to feel bad about it. The Lord has given me strength that I do not have myself, and I trust that His way is perfect and that He loves me. I am so grateful that I will see my little one in heaven someday. What hope! I trust that the Lord will give us healthy children someday, and I know already that I will be more thankful than I ever could have been before.
Thank you again for your book and encouragement.
Love,
Melanie Musson