Hi, I bought one of your books on ebay and recieved your reply a while back. I am so sorry I am just getting back to you. A lot of things have been going on, not to mention this time of year is very hard for me, so I have been staying busy and enjoying the children I do have with me! =)
Your book was amazing. I really appreciate you sharing your story with not only me, but the public. To take such an intimate part of yourself and share it with the world is no small feat. So thank you!
My losses were 3 1/2....well, almost 4 years ago now. As you can see, we really never "get over it". I was very fortunate to have a wonderful husband, and a great online community to lean on when I needed to be picked up....but not all women have that. I am sure your book will be a great source of strength, comfort, and faith building to many!
I feel my story begins even before our actual losses. I had a child already from a previous relationship, husband adopted him and we wanted to add to our family immediately! We just knew that since we both already had a child that we would get pregnant and have a baby in no time....and that was the plan. Funny how things don't quite go as we expect sometimes. Anyhow, we started trying in June 2000, although didn't prevent from Dec. 1999. But in June it had not happened on it's own and so I began basal body charting, charting fertile signs, using ovulation tests, ect. After 6 months of that, and no success, I seeked medical attention and was diagnosed with unexplained secondhand infertility. Went almost another year and thankfully we moved and thus I changed Drs. My first Dr kind of blew me off since I was so young, early 20s and had a child already. My next Dr was wonderful though. He actually cared about our wishes for a child and we aggressively started a full fertility workup with tests and everything on both me and my husband. Husband was fine, lower count than usual, but nothing that would prevent us from getting pregnant. Dr found that I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and had enough cysts on my ovaries to prevent any woman from concieving, even though I seemed to ovulate on my own. I continued the charting and using ovulation tests and going to my Dr every 3 months for further testing. I had several chemical pregnancies in which I would get a few +s on hpts and then get my period within 2 days of that. Never even had time to get to the Dr for bloodwork or anything. That was a killer. It wasn't as emotionally draining as my later losses, but being so overjoyed for a few hours to a few days, and then the ultimate letdowns just really started weighing on me none the less. Doing some more tests and my yearly pap we then found that I had precancerous cells on my cervix that were spreading. Dr said we would have to stop everything and start working on clearing that up instead. I had 2 biopsies done and set a date to have surgery to remove the cells. But as fate would have it, instead...just a month before my scheduled surgery I found out I was pregnant with our first child together....after 3 1/2 years of TTC. (try to concieve) Went in for our first ultrasound at 5.4 weeks and we saw a perfect sac, yolk sac, ect..all measured great so we were elated! Miscarriage was the farthest thing from my mind. I thought you get pg and then you have a baby! Why not? Husband took me out of town on my B-Day (valentines day) we had that planned for months. A nice retreat from our TTC life and a break from all the medical things I was enduring. We had planned to just go for the weekend and be a married couple again, not a couple dealing with infertility. But I was pregnant, and things were even better!! We rearranged some plans that we didn't feel were as safe since I was pg and really enjoyed ourselves. My waist expanded very very fast and I was looking for more pg than I was at only 7 wks. I loved it! After so long of trying I happily bought cute maternity dresses and loved my body again. We even went to a sealife aquarium and instead of having the sealion kiss my cheek, I had a picture of him kissing my belly done. My husband was talking to our baby/my belly from day 1. He came home and sometimes the belly got a greeting and a kiss before me, and I loved it! My son, who was almost 5 at the time had been asking for a baby for a long time...it was his B-Day wish for 2 years straight! He was overjoyed as well. After our vacation I am not sure why but I could not shake this feeling of doom. I cried a lot and worried about our baby all the time. I convinced myself that it was all for nothing, and a result of the years of fear with infertility. Also, since I was pg and didn't have my surgery I was monitored for that as well and we knew we would have to complete my surgery as soon as I delivered. It was scary thinking what if it changes to cancer and I'm still pg, but we relied on God to carry us through. Dr felt it wasn't severe and could wait 9 months for sure, and that delivery may even flush the cells off naturally since the cervix would change during labor and delivery. I went in for another u/s at 7.3 weeks. We saw our baby, the yolk sac, gestational sac, ect. It measured 2 days behind, but seemed to be well. There was no heartbeat but Dr swore that it may still be too early and it's happened before so not to worry. I left in tears just knowing it wouldn't be. I tried to stay positive, but the feeling of doom just grew despite me pretending to be okay. I had nighmares of chasing baby strollers down the street, of a baby crying and me not being able to find it, ect. Then one day, on March 1 2003 husband called and surprised me and said he was taking me out to my fave restraunt for lunch. He worked as a retail manager so our time together was limited a lot. I hurried to get dressed, looking forward to our afternoon together. My son and I were in my room and I felt something trickle down my leg. I knew immediately what it was and couldn't bring myself to look, but I turned and stared at myself in my full length mirror. And there it was....red blood. My husband came in to me crying like mad and hiding out in the bathroom. I put my son to bed as soon as I saw it, so I wouldn't scare him. Called my Dr and they said since it was so early there was nothing to do and just to go on complete bed rest and pray it stopped. That was a Friday. I laid in bed crying for about 30 minutes with my husband just asking all the questions in the world. It was annoying to me at the time, but he was just as lost as I was and felt helpless. Out of no where a feeling of pure anger and rage hit me and I jumped out of bed and got my shoes on, told husband we were going to the ER and I would demand to be seen by someone! I was screaming and yelling that I was not going to laydown and rest while my baby was in trouble! I had fought too hard to get her and would not lay around. I felt I had to at least fight to save her as well. I called my Mom who lived 3 hours away and she started driving to me. We went to the ER and they actually made me wait in the waiting room for 3 hours before they would even talk to me.....since my case was "not serious". That made me more angry! Once in the room they tried to tell me the same "it's too early to tell anything, you should go home and see your Dr on monday, ect." I demanded they take blood and check the progesterone levels and wanted an ultrasound! They obliged me, but I know I was just a problem to them and they wanted to get me out of there. We did an u/s and saw our baby, and she had a hearbeat this time! We were 8.2 wks then and she even measured right on target! But the bad thing was, her hb was only 73 bpm. The nurse tried telling me it was reassuring since we didn't see a hb before and since she measured okay, but I knew better. I knew it should at least be 100 or more. Husband was happy and relieved, I was more hurt. It was the confirmation I dreaded....we were doomed, and that feeling grew even more, but I hated to crush my husband so I just kept it to myself. They put me on strict bedrest and told my my husband to make sure I didn't get out of bed for anything...to keep my feet elevated and only rise to use the restroom. I did as ordered. For 2 days I never left the bed, and even held it as long as I could before getting up to use the restroom. I laid there and tried to tell myself that it I did everything I was supposed to that our baby would be okay. I talked to her, prayed harder than ever, and just really bonded with her. I felt like we were fighting together and that things would really be okay. By Saturday the bleeding stopped and I really started feeling optimistic. I had an appt with my Dr early Mon morning to do another u/s and get the lab results. I thought we would make it. I even laughed and told our baby how stubborn she was and that she just wanted us to appreciate her more and that in 9 months we would laugh at all this. I really believed, and had faith, that all would be well. Suday came and things were still okay, I was still in bed following Drs orders and still no bleeding. My husband had tlaked about buying me a laptop so I could at least keep in touch with friends. I had been on an online infertility community since 2000 and had many friends that were praying for us. We knew that I woul dbe on bedrest until at least 12 wks, so a computer and friends would at least keep me sane. I only did it for 2 days, and would have gladly done it longer, but staying in bed really does start getting to you. I was watching a movie though, and husband had gone accross the street to check on his store. He had inventory in 4 days and needed to be there the full 12 hour day, but tried to stay with me as much as he could. He set up everything beside me and made me lunch and packed the cooler so I wouldn't need to get up and went to work. So I decided to watch a movie to pass time until he returned and around 3:00 pm I started cramping very badly. At 3:12 the cramping intensified and I felt a great deal of pressure and felt like something was "there". I got up to go to the restroom and felt everything come out. And like you...I was shocked to see our baby! Everything I had ever read and heard about was tissue, blood, or globs of nothing but not this....I was literally holding a perfect tiny baby, still in the sac. It was as clear as could be! I held the sac and surprisingly I was not crying or upset at the time. I felt this amazing sense of calm and was intrigued. The only way I can descibe it, is just like when my son was born I looked over every inch of him and just took it all in....I did the same with this baby. She was literally the size of the tip, or the first segment of my pinky finger, and PERFECT! I saw very clearly her eyes, nose, ears, webbed hands and feet, everything! It was amazing! I stood in awe, just absolute awe of God's amazing creation. It was lke someone had taken a full term baby and just shrunk it to the size of a newborn's finger. I wish I would have thought to take pictures, or had not been scared too. I thought about it later, but was really scared that everyone owuld think I was nuts. I hated calling my husband to tell him the news, but I did. He came home and we called the hospital. They told me to gather everything I passed and bring it in with me. I felt so weird and cruel for putting our baby in that stupid plastic tupperware bowl with all the tissue and stuff that the medical community would label "products of conception" To ease my mind I wrapped the bowl in a pink baby blanket I had bought, and then we headed to the ER again. I always felt that we had a girl, from the very beginning. I sat in the waiting room, holding my baby in the bowl wrapped in a blanket like a new mom. Kinda proud in a way to have my baby, but so grief stricken and shocked that I couldn't even speak. I felt such shame too. I remember feeling like everyone knew and was staring at me and wondering what I did wrong. They took me to triage and the lady there asked what I had wrapped up and I said "I was told to bring it all in" she said "bring what in?" I told her "my baby, I had a miscarriage" She told me to just give it to her and I couldn't! I asked what she would do with her and where she was taking my baby. She told me that she would take "it" back to the Dr and then they would talk with me and go from there. I refused...I told her no. I don't think she knew what to say, she just sa there staring at me and then told me to go back to the waiting room and the nurse would call me back. A few min later a nurse came...the same one that treated us on Friday night, she was great! But the other nurse seemed to make me more angry than anyone ever has. She asked to take our baby and I handed her over reluctantly. She had been very kind, and then she pulled back the blanket a little and asked "what's this?" I told her that I was instructed to place everything in a closed container to bring in, and did. She opened the lid, although it was clear, and just looked baffled. She looked at the Dr who walked in and said "yeah we have some tissue, just an early missed abortion I guess". I don't think she meant me to hear since she lowered her voice, but I did, and it set me off. I started crying and telling her through grit teeth that that "tissue" was my baby! I told her "if you wouldn't be so mindless and cruel to me I'd appreciate it. My baby just died. She's tiny but she's mine and I love her! Don't dare just dismiss her like she's trash!" That nurse never returned to my room, thankfully. I wish now that I would have been more understanding of her, and not so harsh. That reaction was, and is not, typical of me. I usually avoid confrontations any way I can, but not when it comes to my babies...and that has not changed. I am protective and probably resemble a momma bear protecting her cub when it comes to my angels. But they did their things with me and sent me home. Since it was our first loss that made it farther than 3 wks they had no plans of doing anything. But we wanted testing and had it ordered. I felt so lonely and isolated leaving that hospital without our baby. It was the darkest feeling I had ever had! The next few weeks the nightmare continued. I had not had a complete miscarriage and found through u/s a few weeks later than the placenta and portions of my pregnancy was retained, and still growing. They gave me suppositories that were supposed to clean things out, but it didn't. A few more weeks went by and then I had two injections in my hips. That was all very humiliating. I had to go every 2 days to have betas drawn to see when the hcg level returned to 0. I sat in the waiting room of my Drs office every 2 days for 8 wks to have more ultrasounds, blood drawn, test, ect....all because I could't even miscarry on my own. I felt like such a failure. I couldn't keep my baby alive, couldn't carry her, and then couldn't even lose her the right way! But finally after 8 wks from her passing my miscarriage was complete. We were told not to get pg again until I had my surgery, and I didn't think that was a problem since I couldn't even bare to think about another baby or trying again. I didn't want another baby, I wanted MY baby, the baby I lost! Set another date and had another biopsy to make sure things were the same. Went in for my surgery and they did a pg test as standard...I hadn't had a period since the miscarriage so didn't worry about any of that. But I was pg again. They did an u/s just to make sure it wasn't from my loss, and to see how far alone I was....I was 4wks, with a new baby. I thought that would crush me, but it made me smile for the first time in 3 months! I was so excited! I didn't care about the surgery, I thought this would be the one! but things never looked good. At 8wks there was no hb, everything measured on target but no hb, and there should have been one. I thnk my Dr knew me well enough to know that I would need proof to heal so he stayed + for me an scheduled another u/s a week later and continued until I gave the word. I had u/s at 9wk, 9.5 wks, 10.4wks and then decided that even though the sac and baby were growing that I knew by this point we should have a hb. I had tried to convince myself that the dates were wrong and since I didn't know when I ovulated or concieved that maybe the u/s was wrong...but after waiting 3 weeks from the first u/s I knew that at minimum I was 8wks and since baby measured just 1 day behind from my dates that it wasn't meant to be.We set a date for a D&C since it didn't look like I would miscarry on my own, and I didn't care to draw things out again. I was so scared through the entire pregnancy that I didn't even try to bond with that baby. Our previous loss and just knowing that it didn't look good kept me at a distance, and I regret that now. I feel terrible for that, like I took away his rights and need for love. I blamed myself for a long time that maybe he didn't feel wanted and left us. I know that's silly now, but at the time, I was at fault for everything I did or didn't do when it came to our babies. And the odd thing was that I started to grieve this loss as losing our first all over again. It was like I lost her twice, instead of losing 2. It's different now, but at the time that is how I felt..maybe becuase I didn't bond with him like I did with her....even though I carried him for 4 wks longer...I knew from the beginning that it wasn't going to be. But on July7 we went in for the D&C. That was a whole new nightmare and trauma I didn't need. I had a final u/s and it showed that the sac was shrinking, or leaking, as it was smaller, and still no h/b and baby measured 10.4wks, alhtough I was 11.5wks. My Dr couldn't believe that he continued to grow to be the size he was with no h/b and speculated that he must have had on at some time and we just missed catching it. I was flabergasted to learned when I arrived at the hospital (the same that I had gone to with my first loss) that for a D&C I was admitted and placed on the Labor and Delivery floor! I walked off the elevator to the sounds of newborns crying and seeing pg moms in labor, knowing I wouldn't be one of them, and would never hear either of my babies cry ever. While I sat in my room getting IVs and waiting to go back...which kept getting pushed back for c-sections...at one point I heard the lady next to me in labor and screaming get her out get her out, and then seconds later I heard that wonderful sound to a new moms ears, the baby crying. It was torture! I balled up on my bed and just cried so hard, and my husband sat there rubbing my legs crying too. We were both too hurt to even talk anymore, and hadn't since our nightmares began. We talked very little, and when I did want totalk it was only about our babies. His way of dealing was to move on as fast as possible, and that was probably the most healthy way, but I wanted to never forget, and wanted to shout to the world about them and spent all my time and efforts doing memory books, reading about losses, searching the internet, ect. I literally did something with every second of my day that involved my angels or someone else's angels. I kow I was trying to find comfort in any way I could. I went in and had the D&C and woke up in the recovery room to a very kind soft voice. My nurse was incredible...and I now think that she too must have had a loss at some time because she understood me, and no one else in the hospital ever seemed to. I heard her say "your in recovery, how are you?" And I just started crying and screaming. I felt like I was surrounded by death and total darkness, lost and lonely. I laid ther and just cried so hard and she tried to sooth me and offer words of comfort. I don't remember much of what she said, and it didn't stop my crying or screaming, but I remember her voice and her soft touch. They had taken another woman in for a c-section and again I heard baby cries. Immeidately my recovery nurse rubbed my arms and told me "I'm gonna get your outta here, this is awful". Again, I think she understood! She started rollingme out and depite my trying, I couldn't stop crying still. ANother nurse stopped and asked me what was wrong...I didn't hear what my nurse said but I imagine it was something about D&C or loss cause that nurse just said "oh, sorry" and rubbed my leg in the elevator. I went back to my room with my husband and felt kind of safe again. I needed him. i hugged him and we cried together and I felt better. I was fine until a nurse came in to take my vitals and said "where's the baby, you have a boy or girl" I understand that she didn't know, but that angered me mrore than anything! Out of respect I thought something should have been done. Not special treatment or anything, just human respect. And maybe even special treatment, other women had their babies to love on, I had nothing! I responded to her by saying "my baby's dead and I'm not lucky enough to know if we have a boy or girl" She didn't say anything just took my vitals, wrote them down and left. Never to return to my room again. My husband went to the nurses station and got a pen and paper and wrote "Our baby's an Angel, Please be kind and don't ask" and taped it to my door. That made me feel odd too, I felt like people walked by my door and felt like again I had dome something wrong....such shame. Thankfully all I had to do was eat lunch and use th restroom and they said I go leave after that. I didn't want to wait an hour for the lunch trays so I had my husband go to the cafeteria and get lunch. I didn't want to eat and it turned my stomach to think of food but the nurses insisted. So I scarfed down my food and went to the bathroom and told my nurse "ok there, I ate, I went, now let me leave" and we checked out 15min later. The physical healing from the past 6 months was nothing. Everyone seemed concerned about my physical health. Drs watched me and monitored me, but no one asked how I felt. No one seemed to care that eveyday I woke up I sank deeper and deeper into a black void that took me 2 years to climb out of, and I'm still not sure I am out of it. Though I know it is nothing like it was! It was almost 2 years later when I was working again on their memory books..... we decided to name our first baby before the test results were even back. I thought girl, but became scared of making a mistake so we picked a nongender specific name....Taylor. We were still unsure about the 2nd as well and decided to wait. I thought boy, but didn't feel I bonded enough to "know". The results came back about 2 weeks after the D&C for both babies. Not sure why it took so long with the first, but they came back together. First loss, baby girl perfect 23 chromosomes, with 2 rare heart problems I cannot even spell or pronounce. It was labeled as nont compatible with life. Second, baby boy, perfect 23 chromosomes, no problems, unexplained loss. Both were unexplained, although it was found that my progesterone was low and signs of clotting. Months later after further testing we found I tested positive for a clotting disorder and was ACA+...anticardiolupin antibody. Dr felt that the progesterone and clotting were the culprits but that even if our baby girl went to term, with her fluke condition she would not have survived birth, or not long after. We were destined to lose her from the beginning. Told me that with future pregnancies I would go on progesterone supplements and baby asprin. Back to 2 years later...I was working on their books and going through pictures and saw some pics of my only living son's B-Day parties, Christmas, Thanksgiving, ect. I didn't remember ANY of it!!! I was in the pics, I saw me there....but I had no recollection at all!!! I started going through all the pictures and there were a ton of things I could not remember! I am a ver ysentimental person and take pictures and video all the time. Nothin had been scrapbooked, but put in the photo boxes and filed. I started going around my house as if seeing things for the first time. I had to think about it, but I remembered doing some things and it scared me that I had missed so much! It was almost like I lived each day over and over and did the same stuff and that was all I focused on...my babies. Everything else just got whatever attention it demanded, but I wasn't in it. I realized just how low I had gotten. I started feeling the pain I had been experiencing and remembering I guess what I was trying to forget. And I never told my own husband about some things, but I know that one day on a really bad lonely dark day I had been doing my usual memory item searches...buying ornaments, books, pins, car stickers, ect to remember my angels and lost it. I threw my laptop that I never took out of the box...the one my husband bought for me to use while on bedrest....it arrived a few days after we lost Taylor, and had sat in my office ever since. I threw it, then I opened the box and pulverized it! I am very non violent, but I had such rage! my son stayed with my mom a lot, cause I could barely take care of me and I was in no mood to be happy and play. I at least had the thoughts to send him where he could play and not see me that way. When he was around, I held it together and tried to make like I was happy and loved everything, like I once did. But as soon as he was gone or asleep I fell apart. After ruining the laptop I just screamed and yelled and cried. I ended up in a heap in the hallway. I felt so lost, like someone had thrown me out in space and cut my safety belt and I was just drifting out, with no hope of ever returning. I cannot even begin to explain how lost I felt. I wanted to find a way, like if I tried so hard, maybe I could bring them back, make myself wake up and it would all be a bad dream. I would punch things and hit things and yell and cry, but nothing helped. I sat in my bathroom floor one day thinking about killing myself. I was so tired of the pain. And I was even more tired that all my family and people around me thought I should "get over it", "at least it was early", "you can have more kids later", "it was natures way, survival of the fittest", "God won't give you more than you canhandle" , "your lucky, at least it wasn't later".....and so many other things people said to me! I have major issues with it all....cause it all says that what I felt, and still feel, is useless, I have no right to grieve, that an early loss isn't real, or that a loss a baby period isn't real, that if I hadn't been so strong God would have saved my babies (I really dislike that one) and all the things those thought imply are just ridiculous! I was berated for having u/s pics in frames on my wall, for having a memory book, or talking about my babies like they were real...cause they were, and they are! And my family, and friends got very uncomfortable when I call them by name, I guess instead of loss #1 and loss #2....or IT. We named our babies according to our wishes and who they were. We picked out names just like we did for our living children. We looked at meaning and chose names we loved hearing over and over. We named them Taylor Nichole....we debated on renaming her since we then knew she was a girl, but after a few months of calling her Taylor it just fit so we added a girly middle name. We named our boy Caleb Justin. We had their names inscribed at the CHurch of the Innocents memorial for babies lost. And each year we buy them an ornament just like we do our living children.
I am very fortunate to have my miracle baby now...he is almost 17 months old. I know my Angels helped get him here....without them I wouldn't have known of my hormone levels or clotting diorder, and that saved him. My youngest baby is named Tyler (what he goes by and his middle name)....after his big sis Taylor, and his first name means gift from God. And even though almost 4 years has passed since losing Taylor and Caleb, and we now have the baby that took us 5 years to get in our arms....I still think of the 2 we lost and remember them on thier Angel Day, at all holidays, and daily. I still have loss ribbons on my car, they get balloons and messages tied to them that we release on their Angel Days and it is still hard to not think about their due dates and how old they should be. I cannot ever forget that I should have 4 children happily playing with my husband and I....and I never will. The dark days have passed. I no longer think of them and feel lonely and distant. I no longer wish to die, but that isn't because I don't miss them or love them. It's simply becuase I found a new way to live, without them in my arms. i live with them in my heart, and in my dreams. I still write in a memory book when I am missing them. It's my safe place to tell them what I am feeling and how much I miss them. It's where I can put the feelings that the world doesn't think I should have. And I am at peace with that. I no longer care what others think of my loss....sometimes I don't specify how far along I was, or any details...I just talk about them as I want to and let other draw their own conclusions. It isn't up to me to make other people comfortable with my feelings or emotions concerning my babies....it's only my responsibility to help other going thorugh what I went through and giving them the comfort I found. I know your book with do that for so many!!!! I am still on the same message boards that I was a part of 5 years ago. I write and talk to women that have losses everyday, and they are always shocked that what they feel is normal. At first they feel crazy or like they shouldn't feel how they do...just as I did at first. It's such a lonely place to be...but the more women that step out and uncover the secret club that no one wants to join, the more healing women will recieve. That is what we refer to it as.....The Secret Club No One Wants to Join...because it is. And my goal is to slowly take the Secret part out. No woman should be made to feel like her feelings are not justified because her baby did not enter the world breathing air and didn't spend days, months, and years in her arms. I felt like my babies spent almost 4 years in my dreams and heart...but even besides that, I loved them from day 1...and even before.
I did not mean to make this so long. I started typing and it just poured out. I could probably talk about it 24/7...and no matter how much I do, there is always more I could say. My story is one that I feel started 5 years ago, and continues to this day....because my feelings for my children grows each day, and will until I take my last breath.
I better go now...but if you ever want to talk feel free to email me. Having read your story and seeing your precious baby I feel almost like I know you. It's weird how we have a common bond with other women that have been through this too....but we do...We're Survivors.
Hang in there, and I pray that your days are blessed beyond measure!!!
God Bless,
Christy
(budchristy)
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