Shondelle's story

My story is a little different though. It all started about 4 weeks ago, i was due for my 13 week scan and all excited i asked my 11yr old daughter if she wanted to come along with me of course she was excited too, so off we went..

I was a little nervous and anxious, because i had suffered a miscarriage back in December(was suppose to be 12 weeks but baby had died at 6 weeks), but i also have 4 healthy beautiful daughters, so i thought i was being a little silly to even have this scan done, anyway we went in to start the scan, and straight away i ask "is there a heart beat?" "yes"she replied i was so relieved and began looking at my precious little baby as she continued to do measurements. I noticed this extra sack(well that's what it looked like to me) and i asked her what it was, she told me it was fluid around the baby not elaborating on anything i kind of thought well maybe it's normal, she informed me i was further along then first thought, instead of 13 weeks i was 14 weeks, that was good news for me too. Then she hit me with "i will just go and get the doctor to go over a few things i have measured" immediately i began to worry (the doctor had never been in with any of my other children WHY now?????), tears started to fill up my eyes and then i snapped out of it and thought hang on a sec, you don't even know if anything is wrong.

The Dr came in had a brief look and asked if i mind if my daughter left the room, he had something to discuss with me in private, at this stage i burst into tears knowing something was wrong, the nurse took my daughter out to the waiting room and the Dr told me my baby has all this extra fluid around her heart and brain, i would need a amniocentesis to tell me why and what the problem was, agreeing to this, my appointment was booked for the following week.

This was one of toughest weeks in my life(we'll infact the past 4 have been extremely tough), i still had to tell my partner who had gone to work, as we both thought it would be a routine scan and nothing would come of it. He called me at home to find out how everything went and i just burst into tears, so obviously he left work to come home and be with me, still completely shocked and numb i explained everything to him. Like me he was shocked and speechless, WHY???? after 4 healthy pregnancies and babies has this happened (again).

Anyway the next week flew and before we knew it we were back having the amnio done, first attempt failed and they tried again(successfully), after having another scan the fluid had increased from 10mm to 13mm in 6 days, they kept telling me what a little fighter i had, and they couldn't believe she was still with us, when we were leaving the Dr said he will contact me in 48hrs with the results..

The next 2 days was the longest ever, then the phone rang,"hi Shondelle it's Dr Benze, can you and your husband come in and see me this afternoon" i so badly wanted him to tell me everything was fine but my gut instinct wasn't very good, "sure" i rang my partner at work and he came home to pick me up. Sitting there in the waiting room with all these pregnant women haunted me, then out came that face that is so familiar now, "come through"he sat us down and started explaining that our daughter had Trisomy 21(down syndrome), but it was a severe case of it, she would not survive in the womb, at some stage(he couldn't tell me when) her little heart would give up, the fluid was restricting it, he went through our options with us and we both decided to continue with the pregnancy, i couldn't bare the thought of taking her little life from her, she was fighting sooo hard to stay with us, he then referred us to a clinical psychologist to discuss our decision with him, and booked us for another scan the following week.

We went the following day to meet with Dr Woodfield(clinical psychologist), he is a lovely man who made me see more sense out of not continuing my pregnancy, he told me to think about it as being a mothers gift of love to let her child go to the next stage( as it is where she is headed), instead of struggling and fighting to stay with us, we should consider giving her peace and let her know it is Alright to go..

After another long hard week of discussion with my partner we went back for another scan only to find the fluid had increased more and is now in her abdomen, her heart is regurgitating and she wasn't getting any flow through her brain, i think it was this scan that made me realise and actually feel slack to keep her going(knowing it was inevitable, that i would walk out of that hospital without a baby)..I was frightened that if she started moving it would be harder for me to let go, the Dr's had told me i should start feeling movements within the next week or so, i was so scared, i didn't want to have to make this decision but i knew it was right.

We went back in to see Dr Woodfield and told him we were ready to let her go. This is definatley the hardest decision a mother would have to go through,(friends have referred it to turning off a life support machine, when you know there is no hope, but deciding when is the right time to do it).

I was booked in for that Friday. Waking up Friday morning, i didn't want to get out of bed, driving to the hosp i told my partner to turn around, i couldn't do it, i knew i had to do this but i just couldn't, then remembering her scans and knowing she would be better off i told him to continue. we got to the hosp i asked him to go in and see if my bed was ready( i wanted him to tell me it wasn't) but down he come and said yeah there waiting for us. The procedure started at 2pm with a dose of cervagem(which is a tablet like cream that is inserted in the cervix behind the neck of the womb) to induce labor, 4 hourly they would continue to insert cervagem, the pains started after the first dose and i knew there was no going back( they had informed me her heart wouldn't survive the labour). at 12:50 am Saturday morning, Phoenix Constance Hunter was born sleeping, she could fit in the palm of my hand and weighed a tiny 70 grams, we held her until 4:30am , then i buzzed the midwife to come and take her, (i didn't want her to start deteriorating in front of me.) The hosp and midwifes were so supportive, they got her tiny footprints for me, a naming tag, and photos.(we also took plenty of photos of her)

The morning after(well a few hours later),

The sun starting shining and the Chaplain came in to start the naming ceremony(which we had discussed with him the previous day), it was myself, my partner, our daughter and the chaplain there, this was something we felt we had to do to recognise her as part of our family. Some people think I'm a little bizarre to have done this, but she is one of my children and i would not have done it any other way. We got a naming certificate and he made some pamphlets for us to keep, we picked a few poems to her and a poem for us from her... we held her another hour and then said goodbye i told her how much i loved her and how much i am going to miss seeing her grow with her big sisters, but she will never be forgotten and I'm sure she knows just how much joy she has brought to our lives in this short time also how much pain we have been through. I can honestly say i have comfort knowing she is with my mum looking down on us and one day we will meet again.

8pm came and i was discharged from hospital, i felt so empty. I went in here yesterday pregnant and tonight I'm walking out with nothing, it was a horrible feeling, my partner is great support though and i know i couldn't have done any of this without him....

We have since organized for a cremation in which her ashes will be ready for collections sometime next week, once i get them home with me i think i will feel a little better, just knowing i have her. We are going to build a memorial garden for her out our backyard and i am going to make a collage of all her mementos we have. I am grateful and happy that i do have some memories although not alot, but those who miscarry before 12 weeks, don't really get anything and for that i am grateful.

I want to thank you for allowing me to write about this to you, i have cried plenty of tears while witting. I'm sorry if i have bombarded you with my grief but i haven't been able to talk to anyone (apart from professionals) about this, because i am the only one of all my friends and family to have gone through something like this.

I often go on the Angel babies 4 ever website to have a read, as i feel so isolated and alone right now. I am also going to a support group meeting next month to have a listen to other women and their stories, and having follow ups with social workers and my psychologist.I know there is light at the end of the tunnel and i will get over this, i will never ever forget about her but i know it will get easier.

I wish you every success with your next book. Once i read your book, i will let you know what i think about it, I'm sure it will be comforting.

Once again Thank you and Take Care

Shondelle