Shawnna's story

My husband & I found out we were pregnant in Feb. 2005. We were so excited, but of course, scared to death. From the moment I took the pregnancy test, I knew I was going to have a baby girl. I was so excited because I had not had a good childhood and did not have a relationship with my mother (which now I do because of my angle). I could not wait to do all the things that I had missed out on with my mother. My husband said I was crazy & wondered how I could possibly know I was having a girl when I was only 6 weeks along. I called the doctor & scheduled my first appointment, and it was set for two weeks later.
The day of my appointment I was really nervous. I really wanted to hear my baby's heartbeat, but knew that it was too soon. However, to my joy, they went ahead & did an ultrasound, & there was my little peanut, flickering heart & all. I left my appointment feeling great, like I was on cloud nine. I had had no morning sickness at the time. I had a wonderful husband & we were going to have the perfect baby, or so I thought.
Within two weeks of that appointment, the morning sickness hit, and boy did it hit. I was in & out of the hospital several times for dehydration, so finally they put me on medicine to stop me from vomiting. I lived off of the medicine. Without it, I was in bed. At the time of going to the hospital, my doctor always made me feel like I was bothering her. I was a scared first time mother, thinking she new what was best for me, so I never said anything, even to my husband.
Well, the weeks passed. I still had morning sickness, but my medicine became my best friend. At every appointment, it was the same thing, check my weight & listen to the baby's heartbeat. It came time for our 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited because I could finally prove my husband wrong, and that I knew we were having a girl the whole time. My husband, myself, and my older brother all went to the doctor's office. While I was lying there on the table, I was thinking life could not get much better than this. After about 5 minutes of waiting, the technician came in & we got started. First he looked at the heart, all 4 chambers, then came the kidneys, next the spine, everything was great. Finally the moment I was waiting for..."It's a girl!" I was so happy. We went home and told everyone.
At 28 weeks, we went and had the 4D ultrasound done, which is something I truly treasure because we received a video tape that day & that was the only time I ever saw my beautiful daughter's eyes & smile.
When I hit 36 weeks, I started to notice that it felt like I was going to the bathroom on myself. So at about 10pm, my husband & I head off to the hospital, because I was soaking a pad about every two hours. When we got there a nurse did a strip test to see if I was leaking. The test came back bright blue, I was leaking. They admitted me & said get some rest because you will have a big day tomorrow. I was only dilated to 1cm but she could already feel my daughter's head. I will never forget her saying she has hair. I did not get any sleep that night. I was too excited.
The next morning my doctor came in & very rudely said, "What are you doing here?" I told her that I had been leaking. She said, "Let's just check," even though they already had. She checked me & said, "No, it is just a yeast infection." I should have spoken up. If I had, my baby might have been here today. (See, as a young girl, I had some very bad things happen to me & have had atleast 2 yeast infections a month since I was 3 years old).
Anyway, my doctor sent me home. When I left the hospital, I knew something was not right, but not wanting to make my doctor mad...I didn't say anything. That was on Monday. On Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment. I was still leaking. By this time I was soaking a pad every 30 minutes to an hour. At my doctor's appointment my blood pressure was high, but my doctor dismissed it saying, "I was scared of my nurse." I did not know at the time, but that is a sign of labor. I told her I was still leaking & she told me that it was my infection.
Monday morning of October 10th I woke up not feeling well. It was about 2am & I got sick. As I was vomiting, I felt my daughter kick for the very last time. I remember that it was so painful that I doubled over. At about 5am my contractions started. I woke my husband up & we started timing them, thinking that we were going to have our baby girl today. At about 7am, we went to the hospital so excited. I remember on the way over saying a prayer that our daughter would be born safely. We got there & they put me on the monito, but there was no heartbeat. She looked & looked. At that time, I was not scared, thinking the baby was hiding. Then she pulled out the ultrasound machine. And there was nothing. I can still hear my husband say, "Where is her heartbeat?" The nurse turned off the machine & went & got my doctor. I will never forget how she treated us. She walked in & said, "I just told her to check you & send you home because you were in here so much." Well, they sent me to a room & my husband went out to meet his mom & dad. Everything is a blur from then on. I can remember family coming in & out & my wonderful nurse. I remember them saying, "It is time to push." I did not want to, but at that point I had already been in labor for 20 hours. So we started. About 10 pushes later, she was here. My Elieanna. They handed her to me & I could hear my husband & best friend crying over everyone else. I looked at her & had to give her to my husband. I could not believe that my baby was not crying, & was dead. I felt like another one would be coming out that would be mine, and that this one was not mine. When my husband took her, I know I broke his heart when I said that I did not want to hold her. I was in shock. After about 10 minutes, reality set in & I wanted my baby girl. The little girl that I carried for 9 months - that little peanut - that grew to be so beautiful.
Out Elie was born at 9:55 pm weighing 6 lbs. 9 oz. and was 18 1/2 in. long. We kept her for about 5 hours, and then we knew we had to let her go. Everyone got to see her & take pictures with her. When we gave her up, we felt at peace that God was with us & she was with Him. The next morning when it was time to leave, I remember feeling so empty as they wheeled me out. All I had was a teddy bear to hold.
The next few days were a blur & then came her funeral. That was one of the hardest days of my life. Afterwards we went back to the church for a lunch with family & friends. My brother-in-laws made us a slide show of all the pictures. I love this video.
Not a day goes by that we do not think about our Elie. My mother-in-law & I still go to the cemetery every week & change the flowers & clean her headstone. It's our way of taking care of her. She is still very much a part of our family & always will be. Only 3 months after we lost Elie, we found out that we were pregnant & that our son was due on our daughter's birthday. We feel that it's Elie's way of saying, "You can't give me a gift, so I'm sending you one."
If there is one thing that I can tell people, it would be "Speak Up!" You are a mother & you have those mother instincts from the minute you find out that you are expecting. Use your VOICE!