My husband and I were thrilled to learn that were going to have a baby! We couldn't even believe it! The first couple weeks after finding out were kind of unreal. I know it was pretty much the only thing I could think of! I was constantly worried the first few weeks, but after I reached the eight week mark, I started to really feel confident. I would search the internet to see how my baby was growing day by day. When I hit ten weeks I read somewhere that, "once you reach the end of this week you can breathe a big sigh of relief," and I thought, "whew! I can make it!" The next day, my sister, her boyfriend and her friend came to spend the week with us for their college spring break. As we stood around talking, I could feel something literally pouring out of me, so I ran to the bathroom and I was bleeding heavily. Immediately I thought I was having a miscarriage. I called my husband at work, and he said to call my midwife. I had no cramps, just bleeding, and a couple hours later the bleeding stopped. My midwife told me that unless I went to the emergency room, there really wasn't anything to do but wait, and that even if I did go to the ER, they wouldn't be able to do anything if I were miscarrying. So I waited. I did not sleep that night. I only prayed, all night, that God would protect my little baby. The next morning was a Sunday, and the hospital lab said they would be able to do a blood test to check my hCG. My level was far above the normal range. My midwife felt fairly confident that I could have "vanishing twin," because I had no cramping and such high hormone levels. My mom had the same thing with me, so I was pretty sure that's what it was. I went to church that night and felt pretty good. The next morning I went in for an ultrasound to make sure everything was OK. My husband and I were so excited. We were going to see our first child for the first time! I just knew everything would be fine. My midwife met us there and we went into that tiny ultrasound room. I was SO excited when I saw that little perfect looking baby. But the room was silent. the radiology technician kept looking and checking, and I began to notice that my little baby wasn't moving. It just looked like it was sleeping so peacefully. Then, there was no denying it when I saw the flat line went across the bottom that I knew was supposed to show the heartbeat. My husband thought everything was great when he saw the baby, but then when our midwife put her hand on his shoulder, he knew something was wrong. And then those words that tore my heart out, "There is no heartbeat." A radiologist came in to confirm, and I prayed they had been wrong, but I knew they weren't. The placenta still showed activity and the baby was about the size it should have been which indicated that our baby had died just recently - the night I was bleeding. Our midwife told us, "This is your child. This is your first baby. When you're ready you may want to think of a name." I don't remember what else she said, but I was so comforted that she felt just as we did, that this was our precious baby. My sister and friends were in the waiting room, and my husband and I ran out of the hospital and waved them outside, which is where we told them. We then called our parents. I needed their prayers, and I know they all prayed for us continually. I had my hCG levels checked right after, and they had dropped significantly. My body knew it was over.
I did not know what to do next. Wait to miscarry naturally or have a D&C? I prayed that the Lord would show me what I should choose. The next day I met with a doctor who performs the D&C. She told me that if I waited to miscarry naturally it could take over two weeks and that I would still have a fifty percent chance of needing the D&C in an emergency situation. I knew that I could not wait and wait, and then start to heal emotionally and then miscarry and feel that I was going through it all over again, and then still have the chance of surgery. The Lord showed me that FOR ME the D&C was the right, safe choice.
We called our pastor and asked him to tell the church on Wednesday during prayer meeting. My husband and I were working with the children in the back, but my sister said he couldn't make it through the prayer request without crying. It meant so much to us that our church was so sympathetic and comforting. It all felt unreal, but I was able to have happy times with my husband, sister and friends, and we all talked about it all the time. I think that helped a lot, just to be able to talk about everything and not bottle it up. I felt such peace that I would not have believed possible. I even experienced the joy of the Lord, which I also did not think would have been possible. I had just told my husband that I couldn't understand this peace that the Lord had given me. And then my dad called and left a message that he was praying for "the peace of God which passeth all understanding," and when I heard that, I said, "Wow! That's it! That's what I have!" I had been experiencing it, without putting 2 and 2 together and realizing that's what God was talking about!
When we went to the surgery center for the D&C early Thursday morning, I sobbed to my husband in the car on the way there, "I know our baby is in heaven, but it's also still right here inside of me and it's hard to let it go." The Lord gave me strength. The surgery went perfectly, the pathology reports came back fine. The Lord took care of me, and I didn't have to go through labor, which I was very thankful for.
Through the whole experience God's hand of love and comfort was so apparent. He made sure all the "circumstances" lined us and He led all the right people to us. There are two midwives that work interchangeably, but the one on call that week was the one who had experience miscarriage herself and was able to share that with me. The radiology technician was so kind, I am overwhelmed. He treated us like how we felt, like we were the only ones. I know he has to deal with this often, but he treated us like this was a tragedy, not an common occurrence. The next day when we were in the hospital for a doctor's appt, he saw us from down the hall and waved. We weren't just a number to him, we were people. A week later I realized I needed those ultrasound pictures. Immediately after seeing them, I wished I hadn't, because I thought it made it harder, but a week later I wanted them and i thought it would be too late. Our midwife called the hospital for us and they had those precious pictures, still. They mean more to me that you could imagine. I look at them over and over. I believe it was a gift from the Lord that we were able to get them. When we picked them up, the radiology technician was there. He gave us hugs and told us he knew he'd see us again and it would be better. The Lord knew we needed HIM to be our technician. We needed that personal touch. The doctor that I saw, who did my D&C, was the one who "just happened" to be on call that day when we needed to meet with someone. We were immediately comfortable with her. She never rushed us. She answered all our questions so honestly and she offered us such encouragement. Also, she worked so well with our midwife. Our midwife told us that the doctor kept her updated every step of the way. Every time someone would tell me what I needed to do next, and who I needed to call next, they already had called ahead, so that everyone I talked to already knew what was going on and I didn't have to repeat my story over and over. The lab workers, nurses, everyone treated us personally. I've heard other people say they were treated as a number, but we were not ever treated like that. The Lord had all the right people in line for us. Also, my sister and her friends being with us was a huge blessing. The made us meals and provided us with rays of sunshine.
My husband and I have never been closer. He is my support and my love. The night after our ultrasound, I cried off and on all night. Every time I cried, he put his arms around me, or squeezed my hand, and I could hear him snoring. He knew just what I needed even while he slept! When I felt so broken that I could not even stand, he held me and prayed with me and cried with me. The Lord always gave him the right words to say and I could have never made it without him. I love him more than I could ever express.
We decided to follow our midwife's advice and name our baby. The due date was Oct 2, 2009. That is my husband's and my favorite time of year. We love to camp in the Tetons and enjoy the beauty of the aspen trees' changing leaves. I have a picture of us from Oct 2 of last year standing at Ox Bow Bend of the Snake River with aspen trees in all their glory and the majestic Tetons behind us. So, we named our baby, Aspen. Not only because of the time of year, but because the aspens are so beautiful and brilliant when their leaves change in the fall, but it lasts only a short while and we're left with the vivid, glorious memory. That's how our little Aspen was. Aspen was with us for such a short while, but it was a beautiful and glorious time, and we will have wonderful memory forever.
Now I'm still in the healing process. My mom had given me the book, "In God's Hands: Death in the Womb," years ago to help me understand what a coworker was going through. I dug that book out and read it, and it gave me such comfort. It was so comforting to know that others had made it through similar experiences and had relied on the Lord to do so. It was also comforting to know the feelings I was having about other women due around the same time as me are normal; it wasn't strange that it hurt so much to be around newborns; feeling especially hurt that so many unwed teens have healthy babies is normal, too. The feeling of emptiness that is so intense is felt by others, also. I was actually relieved that these feelings are normal. It was a relief to know that it's OK to grieve. If I cry, it's OK. It's normal. It's good. I have my ups and downs. I just ran out of a ladies meeting bible study this week because it was on "Loving Your Children," and I could not sit there without sobbing. But it's natural to feel that way and react that way. I don't need to feel bad about it. The Lord has given me strength that I do not have myself, and I trust that His way is perfect and that He loves me. I am so grateful that I will see my little one in heaven someday. What hope! I trust that the Lord will give us healthy children someday, and I know already that I will be more thankful than I ever could have been before.
Thank you again for your book and encouragement.
Love,
Melanie Musson
Monday, January 18, 2010
Samantha's story
Mia Grace JoMarie Harris June 17, 2005....... forever in our hearts!!!
My hubby and I had been wondering for a couple weeks if I was pregnant. We had bought so many tests and they all had come back negative I told him I could not take another so we waited a few more days to see if I would start. I never did so one evening we took the test. It was positive. I was so excited, my hubby was happy to finally know. We told the kids right away. I already had two children an 8 year old boy (mine from another relationship) and a 2 year old girl, that was ours together. My pregnancy with my son had been perfect with my daughter I carried my fluid a little low but nothing to be concerned about. So why wait?? We did not have any history of problems in either of our families. We called everyone that next day. We went to the docs and saw the baby everything was great. The flow in and out of the cord everything was developing great. The heart was wonderful. But I had to have ultrasounds every couple of weeks to just keep and eye on my fluid. I remember the 12 week ultrasound they were so happy with how everything looked. I too breathed a sigh of relief. I had been having strange thoughts I had never had with any of my other pregnancy almost morbid. Every time I saw the heartbeat I was put at rest for my horrible thoughts. I thought this would put an end to it. I had made it past the "dangerous" point and was in my second trimester. If something was going to happen it would have by that point. But no sooner than I got home the thoughts come back only stronger. Really weird ones, like would it be worse to loose a baby in the womb or bring one home and have it die. I thought what kind of question is that to ask myself??!! And how could someone answer that. Neither one was acceptable!! Those thoughts went on for weeks. I would just shake my head and refuse to answer them or even ponder on them! What kind of mother was I to be thinking like this. After all I had no reason to worry. 2 perfect pregnancies no family history of problems and I had made it past my 12 weeks. Shoot at this point I was staring down 20 weeks. Almost 1/2 done!!
I had been so sick this pregnancy and had never experienced this with either of my other pregnancies and kind of excused those thoughts on that. Looking back I know it was God trying to prepare me, but my stubborn self could not except that.
I was 18 and 1/2 weeks it was a summer Thursday night and my son was spending the night at my moms house, and I had just tucked my 2 year old daughter into bed. She was so excited to be getting a sister for her 3rd birthday as they baby was due Thanksgiving day 2 days after her birthday. I read her a book we joked and laughed and had a great time. That was honestly that last time I would feel complete again. I remember that naive feeling of completeness and no worry during pregnancy. I had been shopping earlier that day and bought the baby an outfit, a book to read her in the hospital, and a fish ribbon toy I had found as her nursery was aquatic themed. We had started getting things gathered up and put together as we went along. As we are not rich and can not wait to the last moment to prepare for the baby so we would do a little out of each pay period. We had the play pen the changing table and bouncer seat all in the theme at the house. I had been to the glass store and bought some cute fish for her wall. There was about 5 or six new outfits bought and tons of totes in the attic full of little girl clothes. I had started bringing them down with the crib and it was leaned up against a wall in my hubbies and my room. I walked past all this as I left my daughter after tucking her in. I went downstairs to spend the evening with my husband and stopped by the bathroom on my way. I wiped and looked at the toilet paper. More of my morbid ideas... this time it had happened! There was a slight tinge of pink. I panicked! I called the hospital right away. The OB floor told me this was normal. NOT FOR ME!! I had had two other pregnancies and NEVER had even spotting during either of them. So , I called my OB. He knew this was not normal for me either. I had an appointment Monday, but he did not want to wait that long. He sent me to the ER. I drove myself there. As my hubby had to stay with our daughter and my mom had my son. So I was there alone. They could not find a heart beat but could hear her playing. All the staff in the ER was relieved to hear her playing in there. Now I am a large girl so not hearing a heartbeat was not abnormal as we had not heard it in the OB's office only seen it on ultrasound. So I was not stressed at all. There was movement. I was happy. This meant bed rest. I could live with that, is what was going through my head. They did blood work the ER doc came back in and said I needed and ultrasound that they were keeping me overnight and I would be first in for the ultrasound. I was ok with that, as my OB likes to cover all the basis and I figured this was just on his orders for precaution. The next day they came in my room and started a catheter. I was upset as to why. They said my bladder was not going to be full enough to do an ultrasound so they were going to pump it full to get the shots they needed. Then wheeled me alone to the ultrasound room.
In there they had turned the monitor so I could not see. I was in complete denial. They would not even look at me in there. I tried and tried to get them to say something. Nothing they still could not look at me. Finally I had bent so I could see... there she was my baby. She was in there all was ok... they jerked the monitor around farther so I could not see at all no matter how I tried. There was movement, I had just seen her, and many women bleed during pregnancy. How bad could it be? They wheeled me back to my room. After a while the doc came in and asked if the ultrasound girls had talked to me any, I said NO. He asked if anyone was here to be with me yet and again I said NO, at this point they were all on there way and trying to get someone to be there with me. The doc sat on the edge of my bed and told me my blood work the night before had come back negative, but there was no way to be sure but through an ultrasound and there was no heart beat. The baby had passed. I looked at him and coked my head a little in disbelief, it had to be a sick joke... I looked into his eyes and saw he was being sincere. I screamed. He left the room. I called my mommy screaming for her to get there my baby was dead! I called my best friend at the time and she said it was Gods way of saying we did not need another baby as we could not afford another, it would have been to much a financial strain on all of the family. That was the last I have spoke to her to date.
My hubby walked through the door as they were wanting to wheel me to same day surgery as my OB felt a DNC would be best for me. He did not want to send me home that far along to give birth to my dead baby alone. And as I had a C-section he did not want a chance of rupture. I screamed for everyone to leave the room and my husband held me while I screamed. I never saw him shed a tear until about a year after her death. I was such a mess he never got the chance to be one.
I was in waiting outside of OR when my Ob showed up he held me and cried with us. Finally came the time to decide what to do. My husband and I wanted to bury her. Our OB pulled him aside and told him that would be fine but with a DNC she would not come out looking like a baby and we would never know what happened to her. If we let them send her away we would know what to do for the next pregnancy as they both knew in time I would want to try again. So my husband made the choice to find out what happened. I remember being put under and waking up with a horrible headache and being giving morphine for it. I remember being in recovery still screaming for my baby that they had taken her against my will. I wanted to take her home. They were not her mother! I had what she need at home. The nurses asked me what I had at home for her that was so important as they sedated me, all I could say was "Fish." I know those poor ladies had to of thought I was off my rocker, but everything for her had fish on it at home.
I woke up again in a private room I guess I was to much to handle waking up screaming every few moments in recovery. My hubby was sitting beside me watching Little House on the Prairie. The nurse came in immediately, and asked if she could help I remember feeling the need to go to the bathroom so bad. She helped me stand up. The feeling was more than I could stand I crumbled to the floor sobbing a primal cry. She asked if I was in pain. Yes I shook my head, No I shook my head, then Yes again. How do I explain what I was feeling. There was no physical pain, yet I was in the worst pain of my life! I remember feeling so full of life just moments ago it seemed to me. Feeling my baby move playing and when I stood up there was NOTHING. I felt like a hallowed out chocolate bunny. I had gone from the most full of life feeling any woman will ever feel during pregnancy to seconds later NOTHING! It was and is the worst pain I have ever experience, yet it was all emotional. My husband dismissed the nurse and told her he would help me. I was bleeding in the bathroom. My body had betrayed me and my baby. I was to weak to emotional to bear it all. My husband the best man God could ever give me helped me clean up the proof our daughter was indeed gone. The nurse said I was being dismissed and to wait on transport as I signed the papers. It was more than I could bear again. Somewhere in that building was my daughter, and I had to leave without her. If I thought on it for anytime I would never be able to leave. I told her I was walking out. I could not wait on transport. At that I made haste to get out of there. My husband had to run to catch up to me. I heard the nurse calling to me. And we left.
I walked through the door of our place and there was all her things she would never see. Never get to use. The house seemed so empty even with the other two children there. This was NOT how our homecoming was supposed to be. This was not in my plans! That night I finally passed out and right away the night terrors started. My dreams were sweet. I was holding my daughter I counted her toes. I smelled her hair. I nursed her. She held my finger with her tiny perfect little fingers so pink and cute. She smelled so new and fresh. I felt whole. The kids helped run and get diapers for her. Then I awoke. Into a dark room there was her bed, her quilt I was making her, her fish on the wall, her book I was to read her in our alone time in the hospital, her changing table, and her coming home outfit. I screamed this had to be a nightmare. My husband spent many nights holding me down trying to calm me as I awoke like this. We decided it would be for the best to send the kids away to the grandparent for awhile. He took two weeks off from work, never leaving my side. Everyday after that when he left he made sure I had a sitter, as he was affraid to leave me alone. Had I not had the other two children he would of had cause for consern. But I would never leave my two babies here. I would walk 5 miles every morning and another 5 every night I would spend all day cleaning trying to exaughst myself so I would not wake like that. It never worked. I spent my walks talking with God. I was never mad at him. He is a just and loving God. He never gives one more than you can handle. This was my test. I was failing!!! I knew it. In time the screaming passed God had helped me through it. Next came my human nature trying to rationalize and make since of WHY this happened. I would wake my hubby up sometimes over 20 times a night with the same sentence..."Maybe it was (fill in the blank) I did that killed our baby." He would always answer it was not my fault but I never really believed that. It was not Gods fault, She had been entrusted to me, there was no way any one else could be to blame as she was in my body. So, there for while I would never purposely hurt my child it had to be something I had done and over looked and was now spending all my free time trying to figure it out. Honestly it took me every bit of 2 years of this, before my stubborn bull headed self opened 100% to the Lord and was revealed the verse in the bible that said, Gods ways are not our ways. That we are not to questions Gods ways as he can see the bigger picture. Also, I began to think of Jesus and how God gave him to us to save us. He died and went to Hell. A place my baby will never know. How blessed is that. God did not give me her death on my own, as he had his son die too. God knew what I was feeling. God knew how bad for me it was, would be, and at times still is. Yet, in his big picture her death was better than her living. I must trust that my God knows best. She lived inside me for almost 5 months. I got to bond with that baby love her and know her. No one else did. For that I am blessed. She was here however short, for a purpose. God would never let anyone hurt one of his children and let her leave before her purpose was fulfilled. I know in my heart of hearts that I did nothing but love this little girl and did not wrong to her. Only God can give this peace. Praise his name!!!
My husband and I did go on to have another child, a boy. We named him Quade, it means 4th as he is the 4th child. A way to memorialize his sister who will forever be in our hearts. We love you baby girl!!!
My hubby and I had been wondering for a couple weeks if I was pregnant. We had bought so many tests and they all had come back negative I told him I could not take another so we waited a few more days to see if I would start. I never did so one evening we took the test. It was positive. I was so excited, my hubby was happy to finally know. We told the kids right away. I already had two children an 8 year old boy (mine from another relationship) and a 2 year old girl, that was ours together. My pregnancy with my son had been perfect with my daughter I carried my fluid a little low but nothing to be concerned about. So why wait?? We did not have any history of problems in either of our families. We called everyone that next day. We went to the docs and saw the baby everything was great. The flow in and out of the cord everything was developing great. The heart was wonderful. But I had to have ultrasounds every couple of weeks to just keep and eye on my fluid. I remember the 12 week ultrasound they were so happy with how everything looked. I too breathed a sigh of relief. I had been having strange thoughts I had never had with any of my other pregnancy almost morbid. Every time I saw the heartbeat I was put at rest for my horrible thoughts. I thought this would put an end to it. I had made it past the "dangerous" point and was in my second trimester. If something was going to happen it would have by that point. But no sooner than I got home the thoughts come back only stronger. Really weird ones, like would it be worse to loose a baby in the womb or bring one home and have it die. I thought what kind of question is that to ask myself??!! And how could someone answer that. Neither one was acceptable!! Those thoughts went on for weeks. I would just shake my head and refuse to answer them or even ponder on them! What kind of mother was I to be thinking like this. After all I had no reason to worry. 2 perfect pregnancies no family history of problems and I had made it past my 12 weeks. Shoot at this point I was staring down 20 weeks. Almost 1/2 done!!
I had been so sick this pregnancy and had never experienced this with either of my other pregnancies and kind of excused those thoughts on that. Looking back I know it was God trying to prepare me, but my stubborn self could not except that.
I was 18 and 1/2 weeks it was a summer Thursday night and my son was spending the night at my moms house, and I had just tucked my 2 year old daughter into bed. She was so excited to be getting a sister for her 3rd birthday as they baby was due Thanksgiving day 2 days after her birthday. I read her a book we joked and laughed and had a great time. That was honestly that last time I would feel complete again. I remember that naive feeling of completeness and no worry during pregnancy. I had been shopping earlier that day and bought the baby an outfit, a book to read her in the hospital, and a fish ribbon toy I had found as her nursery was aquatic themed. We had started getting things gathered up and put together as we went along. As we are not rich and can not wait to the last moment to prepare for the baby so we would do a little out of each pay period. We had the play pen the changing table and bouncer seat all in the theme at the house. I had been to the glass store and bought some cute fish for her wall. There was about 5 or six new outfits bought and tons of totes in the attic full of little girl clothes. I had started bringing them down with the crib and it was leaned up against a wall in my hubbies and my room. I walked past all this as I left my daughter after tucking her in. I went downstairs to spend the evening with my husband and stopped by the bathroom on my way. I wiped and looked at the toilet paper. More of my morbid ideas... this time it had happened! There was a slight tinge of pink. I panicked! I called the hospital right away. The OB floor told me this was normal. NOT FOR ME!! I had had two other pregnancies and NEVER had even spotting during either of them. So , I called my OB. He knew this was not normal for me either. I had an appointment Monday, but he did not want to wait that long. He sent me to the ER. I drove myself there. As my hubby had to stay with our daughter and my mom had my son. So I was there alone. They could not find a heart beat but could hear her playing. All the staff in the ER was relieved to hear her playing in there. Now I am a large girl so not hearing a heartbeat was not abnormal as we had not heard it in the OB's office only seen it on ultrasound. So I was not stressed at all. There was movement. I was happy. This meant bed rest. I could live with that, is what was going through my head. They did blood work the ER doc came back in and said I needed and ultrasound that they were keeping me overnight and I would be first in for the ultrasound. I was ok with that, as my OB likes to cover all the basis and I figured this was just on his orders for precaution. The next day they came in my room and started a catheter. I was upset as to why. They said my bladder was not going to be full enough to do an ultrasound so they were going to pump it full to get the shots they needed. Then wheeled me alone to the ultrasound room.
In there they had turned the monitor so I could not see. I was in complete denial. They would not even look at me in there. I tried and tried to get them to say something. Nothing they still could not look at me. Finally I had bent so I could see... there she was my baby. She was in there all was ok... they jerked the monitor around farther so I could not see at all no matter how I tried. There was movement, I had just seen her, and many women bleed during pregnancy. How bad could it be? They wheeled me back to my room. After a while the doc came in and asked if the ultrasound girls had talked to me any, I said NO. He asked if anyone was here to be with me yet and again I said NO, at this point they were all on there way and trying to get someone to be there with me. The doc sat on the edge of my bed and told me my blood work the night before had come back negative, but there was no way to be sure but through an ultrasound and there was no heart beat. The baby had passed. I looked at him and coked my head a little in disbelief, it had to be a sick joke... I looked into his eyes and saw he was being sincere. I screamed. He left the room. I called my mommy screaming for her to get there my baby was dead! I called my best friend at the time and she said it was Gods way of saying we did not need another baby as we could not afford another, it would have been to much a financial strain on all of the family. That was the last I have spoke to her to date.
My hubby walked through the door as they were wanting to wheel me to same day surgery as my OB felt a DNC would be best for me. He did not want to send me home that far along to give birth to my dead baby alone. And as I had a C-section he did not want a chance of rupture. I screamed for everyone to leave the room and my husband held me while I screamed. I never saw him shed a tear until about a year after her death. I was such a mess he never got the chance to be one.
I was in waiting outside of OR when my Ob showed up he held me and cried with us. Finally came the time to decide what to do. My husband and I wanted to bury her. Our OB pulled him aside and told him that would be fine but with a DNC she would not come out looking like a baby and we would never know what happened to her. If we let them send her away we would know what to do for the next pregnancy as they both knew in time I would want to try again. So my husband made the choice to find out what happened. I remember being put under and waking up with a horrible headache and being giving morphine for it. I remember being in recovery still screaming for my baby that they had taken her against my will. I wanted to take her home. They were not her mother! I had what she need at home. The nurses asked me what I had at home for her that was so important as they sedated me, all I could say was "Fish." I know those poor ladies had to of thought I was off my rocker, but everything for her had fish on it at home.
I woke up again in a private room I guess I was to much to handle waking up screaming every few moments in recovery. My hubby was sitting beside me watching Little House on the Prairie. The nurse came in immediately, and asked if she could help I remember feeling the need to go to the bathroom so bad. She helped me stand up. The feeling was more than I could stand I crumbled to the floor sobbing a primal cry. She asked if I was in pain. Yes I shook my head, No I shook my head, then Yes again. How do I explain what I was feeling. There was no physical pain, yet I was in the worst pain of my life! I remember feeling so full of life just moments ago it seemed to me. Feeling my baby move playing and when I stood up there was NOTHING. I felt like a hallowed out chocolate bunny. I had gone from the most full of life feeling any woman will ever feel during pregnancy to seconds later NOTHING! It was and is the worst pain I have ever experience, yet it was all emotional. My husband dismissed the nurse and told her he would help me. I was bleeding in the bathroom. My body had betrayed me and my baby. I was to weak to emotional to bear it all. My husband the best man God could ever give me helped me clean up the proof our daughter was indeed gone. The nurse said I was being dismissed and to wait on transport as I signed the papers. It was more than I could bear again. Somewhere in that building was my daughter, and I had to leave without her. If I thought on it for anytime I would never be able to leave. I told her I was walking out. I could not wait on transport. At that I made haste to get out of there. My husband had to run to catch up to me. I heard the nurse calling to me. And we left.
I walked through the door of our place and there was all her things she would never see. Never get to use. The house seemed so empty even with the other two children there. This was NOT how our homecoming was supposed to be. This was not in my plans! That night I finally passed out and right away the night terrors started. My dreams were sweet. I was holding my daughter I counted her toes. I smelled her hair. I nursed her. She held my finger with her tiny perfect little fingers so pink and cute. She smelled so new and fresh. I felt whole. The kids helped run and get diapers for her. Then I awoke. Into a dark room there was her bed, her quilt I was making her, her fish on the wall, her book I was to read her in our alone time in the hospital, her changing table, and her coming home outfit. I screamed this had to be a nightmare. My husband spent many nights holding me down trying to calm me as I awoke like this. We decided it would be for the best to send the kids away to the grandparent for awhile. He took two weeks off from work, never leaving my side. Everyday after that when he left he made sure I had a sitter, as he was affraid to leave me alone. Had I not had the other two children he would of had cause for consern. But I would never leave my two babies here. I would walk 5 miles every morning and another 5 every night I would spend all day cleaning trying to exaughst myself so I would not wake like that. It never worked. I spent my walks talking with God. I was never mad at him. He is a just and loving God. He never gives one more than you can handle. This was my test. I was failing!!! I knew it. In time the screaming passed God had helped me through it. Next came my human nature trying to rationalize and make since of WHY this happened. I would wake my hubby up sometimes over 20 times a night with the same sentence..."Maybe it was (fill in the blank) I did that killed our baby." He would always answer it was not my fault but I never really believed that. It was not Gods fault, She had been entrusted to me, there was no way any one else could be to blame as she was in my body. So, there for while I would never purposely hurt my child it had to be something I had done and over looked and was now spending all my free time trying to figure it out. Honestly it took me every bit of 2 years of this, before my stubborn bull headed self opened 100% to the Lord and was revealed the verse in the bible that said, Gods ways are not our ways. That we are not to questions Gods ways as he can see the bigger picture. Also, I began to think of Jesus and how God gave him to us to save us. He died and went to Hell. A place my baby will never know. How blessed is that. God did not give me her death on my own, as he had his son die too. God knew what I was feeling. God knew how bad for me it was, would be, and at times still is. Yet, in his big picture her death was better than her living. I must trust that my God knows best. She lived inside me for almost 5 months. I got to bond with that baby love her and know her. No one else did. For that I am blessed. She was here however short, for a purpose. God would never let anyone hurt one of his children and let her leave before her purpose was fulfilled. I know in my heart of hearts that I did nothing but love this little girl and did not wrong to her. Only God can give this peace. Praise his name!!!
My husband and I did go on to have another child, a boy. We named him Quade, it means 4th as he is the 4th child. A way to memorialize his sister who will forever be in our hearts. We love you baby girl!!!
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Johanna's Story
I would very much like to share my story. I got your book yesterday and read it in 35 minutes, it was scary how similar our staries are! I just want to tell you it is really nice to have someone to talk to who has been through it and wont judge me. I have no-one (husband excluded, he is my rock) to talk to. No-one I know has been through a miscarriage, so that is really hard. So here
goes.
My husband and I just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on Sept. 9 we have 3 beautiful daughters, Katelyn is 15 (she is from his previous marriage but she lives with us full time) and our two daughters together Madelyn is 5 and Olivia is 2. We got pregnant really easy with Maddie. 6 weeks after our wedding I found out I was 2 weeks along it was a wonderful surprise. We were not so lucky concieving Olivia. It took 2 1/2 years and 8 infertility drugs to get her. So having had so much trouble getting her, we decided to start trying with baby #3 right away. We both come from big families and would like to have a big family ourselves.
It took 22 months and many failed attempts with infertility drugs to see the 2 pink lines. It was June 18th 2006 and I bought a test and sure enough it was positive. So of course I bought 6 more tests just to be sure and they all came back positive. We were thrilled, after waiting so
long I was pregnant and without the use of medicine!!
We told everyone and I started showing right away. I figured I was about 9 weeks along. My periods were always irregular so I guess I didn't noticed I was that late. I felt awesome and I loved the morning sickness because hey, I was pregnant. With my first two pregnancies I NEVER thought of miscarriage but this one was different. I would stand in the shower and wonder how I would deal with a miscarriage if it happened, but I just thought I was being paranoid, I guess it was God's way of kinda preparing me.
June 28th my first prenatal appt. Something was weird when I woke up and got dressed. My stomach was flat and my maternity pants just didn't fit like they had the day before, but I had been nauseous so I didn't worry to much. I had a feeling I was pregnant with twins, which I wanted since I was a little girl so at my appt. I told the Dr. that I had this feeling and she examined me and told me I was measuring bigger than 11 weeks so she decided to do an
ultrasound. My husband and daughters were there, big mistake, I will never have them attend any future appts. if I get pregnant again.
We all went into the room and the Dr. got started and her first words were "oh no" and my heart just sank. Not only did we lose one but I was right, it was twins! We were devistated. It was not my usual Dr. so I was uncomfortable talking to her about this, so I talked to the nurse she told us what to expect and we left.
That night Jim (my husband) called everyone, including my pregnant sister who at that moment I did not want to see (we have never been very close). She came over and the first words out of her mouth were, "Don't worry my baby is healthy." I wanted to hurt her. I did not care about her, I just wanted her to hug me and tell me everything was ok. I mean I still had 2 dead babies inside of me and she was telling me her baby was healthy? Then she proceded to ask me for all my maternity clothes saying "since you don't need them anymore can I have them?" At that very moment I wanted to burn my maternity clothes not give them to her. I was so upset.
Later that night my husband called her and and said, "How dare you come into my home and
insult my wife on the hardest day of our lives." And I hadn't talked to her until yesterday (Sept. 16) when she told me until I divorce Jim she and I will never have a relationship and she wants nothing to do with me. Well, Jim and I are so happy together I would NEVER even consider that request so that is what I am dealing with now.
On June 29th I went in for a D&C with my usual Dr. I didn't want to deliver at home. My husband works a lot and he had to go back the next day. (I'm a stay at home mom so he needs to work). And I didn't want our girls to see anything because I didn't know what really to expect. The only thing I remember about the surgery is waking up and seeing a metal bowl with two golf ball sized things in there. So I did get to see our babies and say good bye to them. I swear they are the boys we wanted so bad but we would have LOVED more girls as well.
Two weeks later I was suffering from major depression so my Dr. put me on some anti-depressants and they help but I still am mourning, is that normal? It's been almost 3 months. I went to a friend's baby shower last weekend and had to leave as soon as I saw her. I went through a real anger stage but I think that is towards my sister and her comments.
Have you had another baby since losing Jeremiah? I want so desperately to get pregnant again. I'm scared to though I don't ever want to go through this again, and I don't think I will ever be able to get over this loss. I went through the same feelings as you, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Was it the spray paint I smelled while the girls and I did an art project the week before I found out I was pregnant, or when my daughter broke her arm I stood behind the x-ray wall - did it not work and I had radiation in my system?
Thank you for your book. It made me realize that I'm not crazy.
Thank you!! Johanna
goes.
My husband and I just celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary on Sept. 9 we have 3 beautiful daughters, Katelyn is 15 (she is from his previous marriage but she lives with us full time) and our two daughters together Madelyn is 5 and Olivia is 2. We got pregnant really easy with Maddie. 6 weeks after our wedding I found out I was 2 weeks along it was a wonderful surprise. We were not so lucky concieving Olivia. It took 2 1/2 years and 8 infertility drugs to get her. So having had so much trouble getting her, we decided to start trying with baby #3 right away. We both come from big families and would like to have a big family ourselves.
It took 22 months and many failed attempts with infertility drugs to see the 2 pink lines. It was June 18th 2006 and I bought a test and sure enough it was positive. So of course I bought 6 more tests just to be sure and they all came back positive. We were thrilled, after waiting so
long I was pregnant and without the use of medicine!!
We told everyone and I started showing right away. I figured I was about 9 weeks along. My periods were always irregular so I guess I didn't noticed I was that late. I felt awesome and I loved the morning sickness because hey, I was pregnant. With my first two pregnancies I NEVER thought of miscarriage but this one was different. I would stand in the shower and wonder how I would deal with a miscarriage if it happened, but I just thought I was being paranoid, I guess it was God's way of kinda preparing me.
June 28th my first prenatal appt. Something was weird when I woke up and got dressed. My stomach was flat and my maternity pants just didn't fit like they had the day before, but I had been nauseous so I didn't worry to much. I had a feeling I was pregnant with twins, which I wanted since I was a little girl so at my appt. I told the Dr. that I had this feeling and she examined me and told me I was measuring bigger than 11 weeks so she decided to do an
ultrasound. My husband and daughters were there, big mistake, I will never have them attend any future appts. if I get pregnant again.
We all went into the room and the Dr. got started and her first words were "oh no" and my heart just sank. Not only did we lose one but I was right, it was twins! We were devistated. It was not my usual Dr. so I was uncomfortable talking to her about this, so I talked to the nurse she told us what to expect and we left.
That night Jim (my husband) called everyone, including my pregnant sister who at that moment I did not want to see (we have never been very close). She came over and the first words out of her mouth were, "Don't worry my baby is healthy." I wanted to hurt her. I did not care about her, I just wanted her to hug me and tell me everything was ok. I mean I still had 2 dead babies inside of me and she was telling me her baby was healthy? Then she proceded to ask me for all my maternity clothes saying "since you don't need them anymore can I have them?" At that very moment I wanted to burn my maternity clothes not give them to her. I was so upset.
Later that night my husband called her and and said, "How dare you come into my home and
insult my wife on the hardest day of our lives." And I hadn't talked to her until yesterday (Sept. 16) when she told me until I divorce Jim she and I will never have a relationship and she wants nothing to do with me. Well, Jim and I are so happy together I would NEVER even consider that request so that is what I am dealing with now.
On June 29th I went in for a D&C with my usual Dr. I didn't want to deliver at home. My husband works a lot and he had to go back the next day. (I'm a stay at home mom so he needs to work). And I didn't want our girls to see anything because I didn't know what really to expect. The only thing I remember about the surgery is waking up and seeing a metal bowl with two golf ball sized things in there. So I did get to see our babies and say good bye to them. I swear they are the boys we wanted so bad but we would have LOVED more girls as well.
Two weeks later I was suffering from major depression so my Dr. put me on some anti-depressants and they help but I still am mourning, is that normal? It's been almost 3 months. I went to a friend's baby shower last weekend and had to leave as soon as I saw her. I went through a real anger stage but I think that is towards my sister and her comments.
Have you had another baby since losing Jeremiah? I want so desperately to get pregnant again. I'm scared to though I don't ever want to go through this again, and I don't think I will ever be able to get over this loss. I went through the same feelings as you, trying to figure out what I did wrong. Was it the spray paint I smelled while the girls and I did an art project the week before I found out I was pregnant, or when my daughter broke her arm I stood behind the x-ray wall - did it not work and I had radiation in my system?
Thank you for your book. It made me realize that I'm not crazy.
Thank you!! Johanna
Angela's Story
Hello, I received your book today, I also read it cover to cover during my 2 1/2 year old son's nap. Thank you for sharing your story. There really isn't that many books out there that deal with this subject. I have read a number of them but yours was the first that was... one woman's personal story with at the end an encouragement to respond.
I really related to your story. I too lost my son. I was 19 weeks 4 days when at my routine visit heard the news that my son had no heartbeat and had died 2 to 3 weeks before. I however delivered him at the hospital. This had been my third pregancy and there were things I had done that I hadn't in previous pregancy like your thoughts of misscarriage, I found myself praying at night to watch over me and my baby, that all would be okay. I never did that with my other 2 pregancies.
I delivered Luc Stephen Gardner June 2, 2006. I have enclosed a photo of him...I hope that is okay. I also believe he was a living breathing human being whose life deserves to be recognized. I am so sorry to read of your loss and I hope you have found peace with your situition. I believe everyone has a purpose in life and everything happens for a reason. That is the biggest thing that gets me thru each and everday. I know he is with God in Heaven and that one day I will be with him again.
Again, Thank you so much for your book.I really related to your story. I too lost my son. I was 19 weeks 4 days when at my routine visit heard the news that my son had no heartbeat and had died 2 to 3 weeks before. I however delivered him at the hospital. This had been my third pregancy and there were things I had done that I hadn't in previous pregancy like your thoughts of misscarriage, I found myself praying at night to watch over me and my baby, that all would be okay. I never did that with my other 2 pregancies.
I delivered Luc Stephen Gardner June 2, 2006. I have enclosed a photo of him...I hope that is okay. I also believe he was a living breathing human being whose life deserves to be recognized. I am so sorry to read of your loss and I hope you have found peace with your situition. I believe everyone has a purpose in life and everything happens for a reason. That is the biggest thing that gets me thru each and everday. I know he is with God in Heaven and that one day I will be with him again.
Angela Gardner
***
Thank you, I love that picture of my son Luc. Luc had been passed away for approximately 2 to 2 1/2 weeks before I found out so he probably died at 17 weeks. I delivered at 19 1/2 weeks. They did induce my labor but I did not take any kind of pain medication or have an epidural to deliver him...the placenta would not deliver and I was losing a lot of blood so they took me to surgery to have a D&C to remove the placenta...It wasn't til then that I accepted something for my pain. I experienced a post-partum depression that I never felt with my other 2 pregnancies.
I also poured myself into a scrapbook for my son the weeks that followed his death and funeral service. It is a beautiful book that like you I put all I could into it. My husband and I, along with our two sons and the rest of my extended family following Luc's services came to my home and planted 2 trees in his memory.
I also poured myself into a scrapbook for my son the weeks that followed his death and funeral service. It is a beautiful book that like you I put all I could into it. My husband and I, along with our two sons and the rest of my extended family following Luc's services came to my home and planted 2 trees in his memory.
I am very happy to hear you and your husband conceived once again and your son arrived to your arms safe and sound. It has been 3 months since our loss and I just found out yesterday I am once again pregnant. This news comes with a lot of emotion as you well know. According to a phone call made to my doctor I am now 5 weeks and 4 days along. I have only told my husband and I am waiting til after my first doctor appointment to tell my sons and other family members.
Thank you for responding, I look forward to hearing back from you.
Angela Gardner
Monday, December 21, 2009
Valerie's Story
James and I met and married (in 1987) at Neuse Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC. I also worked there in the Christian school as a teacher. We were married for just over 3 years when I had an abnormally heavy cyle and had to go to the doctor. He examined me and didn't find anything wrong, so he decided to "help me along" be suctioning me out right then and there (no medication--like you; very painful). He suddenly stopped and started rattling off orders to the nurse, and a flurry of activity began. I had no idea of what was happening other than I was alone (I didn't see the need for my husband to go with me that day), in pain, and scared. When he was finished, he told the nurse to have me lie there until my blood pressure went back down, and then to have me go to his office.
I was crying, and when we were alone, the nurse asked me why I was crying. I told her I was scared because I didn't know what was wrong (I was thinking tumor--cancer). I was completely floored when the doctor later told me that I had experienced an incomplete miscarriage (where the placenta is still in the uterus, even though the baby had been passed previously). It was a very early pregnancy--probably 6-8 weeks. My cyles were very irregular, and we had not even seriously discussed having a baby, so this was a real surprise. I was in such shock when I left the doctor's, I went to the school to pick up my pay check, and drove to two different banks before going home and calling James and then my mom. James left work and came straight home. My mom said she was afraid that that was the case.
Physically, in a few days, I was fine. Emotionally, it did a number on me. The strongest emotion I remember feeling besides grief was embarrassment--my body was not able to do what everyone else could. Since I had not known I was pregnant, people found out about everything all at once. I became convinced that I could fix it by having a baby. That became a very long journey.
At this time in our lives, God introduced the most caring, compassionate pastor that we had ever met--Rev. M. L. Walters, Jr. (the brother of our current pastor--Ken Walters). God had used tragedy in his life (the suicide of his son, David), to prepare him to help us deal with what we would be facing.
I was unable to get pregnant again. I went to my OB-GYN, and he put me on some pills. They did not help. I went through a blood workup and it was discovered that I suffered from polycystic ovary disease (instead of eggs being released from the ovary and going down the fallopian tube, they stick to the ovary) and could not ovulate. I decided to go to a fertility specialist because I could not go to my doctor and sit in a waiting room of pregnant women.
We met with the specialist in November. He was very surprised, but encouraged, that I had become pregnant on my own. Just for the sake of argument, he had me try another month of pills, and monitored me closely. There was no activity. Then came one of the more interesting trials. If I wanted to have a baby, I would have to undergo a two-week series of (very expensive) daily injections. You have to understand that I was deathly afraid of needles to appreciate the humor in this. Oh, the other part of this is that James had to give them to me every evening!
Every morning or so for the rest of the round, I had to go to the specialist and have blood drawn (another needle) to check my hormone levels, and sometimes an ultrasound to count the eggs as they matured (I actually had 23 follicles that responded, but my estrogen level only allowed for the possibility of three to release).
Finally, I was told to take the chemical that would cause me to ovulate. Then, it was time to wait.....that was the longest 4 weeks (they would not do a pregnancy test until 2 weeks after my cyle was late). My cycle did not come, but that was not unusual. I could not do a home test, because with my condition, they don't come out correctly. The day for the test came. It was positive! I was pregnant at last. I took the test with me and went straight to James' office to let him know, then I went to my mom's office (she worked for our family physician at the time, and one of the doctor's there was best buddies with my specialist). Our family was thrilled!
We had to wait 6 more weeks for an ultrasound. More waiting. The morning of the test, we arrived before the staff was even there. I was not feeling well, and the thought of someone pressing on my stomach was not something I was looking forward to, but I just had to see my baby. There was a nurse-midwife who worked for this doctor who had been through all of this herself--even had the same disease as me--and was the perfect person to work with me. She did my ultrasound that morning. I could see the monitor beside my head, she was at my side, and James was crouched down behind her. We all saw it at the same time--"there's one little heart beating...and there's another one!" What a shock! Thinking I would never have a baby to finding out that I was going to have two!! I remember it was a Wednesday, because we had church that night. James went to work, I went to my mom's office to show her the surprise, then I went to work and told everyone!! That was in February.
That year I was the school librarian, so it was not so much time on my feet, etc. My OB-GYN's office took excellent care of me. Even though I began my pregnancy overwight, they still were concerned that I did not gain a significant amount of weight. The babies were growing well, so there was no cause for alarm. By the end of the school year, I was 20 weeks, and my doctor said that it was time to take it easy. I was all for that.
It was Memorial Day weekend. We had a wedding at church on Saturday; our family drove to my brother's on Sunday, then back to my mom's house. We decided because I was so tired to spend the night at my mom's. I got up with James that Monday morning to drive him to work, then I headed home. As I pulled out of the driveway of his business, I went over the little bump, and I felt a pop. The whole way home I told myself that it was just a gas bubble. I talked and sang to the babies the whole way home, but I could not get the sense of dread out of my mind that something was wrong. When I got out of the car, fluid poured out of me. At first I thought I had wet my pants, but I couldn't make it stop. I knew. I pressed my knees together as hard as I could, and went into our house. I headed straight for the restroom, grabbing the phone on my way through. Then I tried to call my OB-GYN's office (8:30 on a Monday morning). I got the answering service. They had the doctor on call call me back. She didn't really think that my water had broken, but told me to go to the office and that someone would see me. I called James and my mom and they both met me there. The doctor did an ultrasound, and it was plainly visible that one of the amniotic sacs had a large tear in it. I was sent to the hospital where it was hoped that nothing further would happen. That was June 1.
The next day, I began to run a fever. That afternoon, contractions began. Despite everyone's efforts, Kimberly Joy Everette was born that evening. It was very quiet when she was born. She was immediately taken over to the warming station to be examined by a neonatologist. At 21 weeks, her lungs were too undeveloped, and there was nothing that could be done.
They brought her to me, and I was totally unprepared for what she looked like. She weighed 10 1/2 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long. She was beautiful. She looked just like James. I stared at her in my arms. She was alive, but so still. The nurse asked me a question, and when I answered her, Kimberly turned her face to me. She could hear me! We made the decision to keep her with us (they did volunteer to take her away), and we held her, and talked to her, and showed her to our family that had come. She lived for two hours, before her tiny heart stopped beating. We stayed in the delivery room, waiting to see if I would deliver the second twin. Several hours later, there were still no contractions, so I was sent back to my room to rest.
They day was uneventful and hopeful, until the contractions returned about 3:00 that afternoon. That night, Jamie Lynn Everette entered the room exactly 24 hours to the minute that her sister had died. She weighed two ounces more than Kimberly, and looked just like her mother. The OB-GYN called everyone he could think of while I was in labor to see if anyone felt that she could be viable, but the answer was the same. Two hours later, Jamie joined her sister in eternal slumber. It was 4:00 in the morning when I was returned to my room.
I stayed in the hospital one more day. We did not go home. We stayed at my mom's for a few days so that someone would be with me (James had to go to work). That Sunday, Pastor (M.L.) Walters held a graveside service for us. We buried the girls in the same coffin. It didn't look like a coffin; it looked like a styrofoam cooler that you buy for $2 at the store. The service was comforting and reassuring, and Pastor closed it by having everyone (about 40 people) sing "Jesus Loves Me".
After this, we went home. I tried to put my maternity clothes and the few baby things that we had bought away, but I couldn't touch it. I did not leave the house except to go to church or my Mom's. My parents took us on vacation the next month to help us "get over it". I decided that the best thing to do was to get pregnant again--soon. I was told to wait three months. I went back to the specialist's office, declaring that I was ready to try again.
Just as before, I conceived the very first month. Before Kimberly and Jamie's due date rolled around, I was once again pregnant with twins. In my deluded state, I suppose to escape the horrible reality that I had been through, I was even able to briefly convince myself that it hadn't happened--that it was still the same pregnancy. Fortunately, I snapped out of that.
Christmas came, and I was once again swelling as my babies grew. At the end of January in 1993, I had to be hospitalized with a non-pregnancy issue. I was on a Demerol pump for severe pain for three days. The morning I was to go home, I was feeling well. I was preparing to go home, when I was overcome with severe pain. That pain turned out to be dialation--to 5 centimeters. I called for the nurse, and everyone came quickly--including my OB. One of the sacs was bulging through. I was turned almost upside down to try to coax it back in. I was also given magnesium-sulfate to stop contractions. Unfortunately, this made me violently ill. As I threw up, my water broke. I turned to my mom to tell her, and she said she knew, everyone had heard it. At this point (20 weeks), the unthinkable was occurring again.
That afternoon, our daughter, Kelsey Rae, was stillborn (she had become tangled in her own cord). I was pretty out of it because of the Demoral, and I thought I heard our pastor praying. I was very embarrased because I was still in the stirrups. It turned out that when Kelsey was born dead that our OB (who is Catholic) baptized her and gave her last rites. I hold no ill-will toward him for this; rather I thought it was very sweet on his part to go this extra step for our precious little girl.
Again, labor ceased with her birth. I still had one more baby. The next day went well, and the next, and the next. Kelsey was born on a Tuesday. By Sunday, we were rejoicing that I was still pregnant. This baby had a chance.
That afternoon, the doctor told me that the infection that causes contractions when the water brakes was returning. They upped my antibiotics; they increased my anti-contraction medication. Sunday night was long and painful as the contractions continued. Monday morning, James came to be with me; I told him what was going on, and we did something that we hadn't had the opportunity to do.
We wrote a birth plan. Our child was coming, there was nothing we could do to stop it, so we made our wishes known. For the nurses, our situation was awkward, because we all knew what was going to happen. So to make it easy on them, James took it to the nurses' station. They couldn't believe that we had the presence of mind to do it. He told them that we had already done this three times so we knew what to expect. The doctor came to check on me around noon. He was quiet, and said he would be right back. The nurses came in very quickly. One of them gave me a shot for pain. I was a little confused because I had not been moved to delivery. He came back in very soon in scrubs. There was no time to move me. I protested that my water hadn't broke; he said it didn't matter that the baby could be born in the sac. I think he sensed that I was very upset about this, so he broke my water.
Our son, Joshua Ross, was born in less than five minutes. We were so surprised! A boy! I wouldn't believe it until I saw him for myself. He was our biggest--he weighed in at a hefty 14 1/4 ounces (almost a pound). He was quite large for a baby of his age. Size did not help him though, he was unable to breath. He also lived two hours. We made arrangements with the cemetary and the funeral home to exhume our daughter's coffin, dig the hole deeper, and re-inter them. As we did with Kimberly and Jamie, Kelsey and Joshua were buried in the same coffin, and theirs was placed on top of the other. All four babies are in the same grave waiting for the shout from heaven that will set them free. We decided that it would be best for my body to rest for a while. No more babies for now.
Eight months later, I experienced another "unexplainable" spontaneous pregnancy and miscarriage. I threw myself into work. I became as involved as possible with church and family activities. I also suffered from terrifying nightmares of the most horrible things happening to our beloved 18 month old nephew. I didn't sleep well for a long time. We joined two support groups, and that helped alot. In March of 1995, we read about a new medication that would aid in the conception for people with PCOD that had a lower risk of multiple births. After much prayer and discussion with family, we decided to try "one more time". The medication worked the first month, and the ultrasound revealed just one precious little beating heart.
I changed OB-GYN's this time--not because the others had done anything wrong; I just couldn't go in there again. My new doctors decided to perform a cerclage at 14 weeks--they stitched my cervix shut (under general anesthesia) to keep me from dialting. I was also put on partial bed rest. I was allowed to shower, go to the doctor, attend one church service a week (not even Sunday School and Sunday morning--only Sunday morning), and I could go to my parent's house and lie on their couch for a change of scenery and that was it. We had many ultrasounds done to make sure that everything was continuing on, and the baby did well.
I successfully passed 22 weeks, and breathed a little sigh of relief. I passed 28 weeks, and I was ready to party--even if my baby came then, they had a chance. The church threw a huge baby shower for us. That was the longest I had been up for quite a while. I was scheduled to be induced at 37 weeks on December 19. The day before, we went to the doctor. They did an ultrasound (I was measuring 42 weeks), and said that the baby was not big--just long.
They did an amniocentesis to make sure that the lungs were developed (no problem there), then they took out the stitches that had been put in so long before. I was sent home to walk, walk, walk. The next morning we went to the hospital and induction began. That was worse than any other labor I had ever experienced. Fortunately, the epidural worked; unfortunately, the induction did not. Sarah Rose Everette was delivered that evening by C-section at 6:05 p.m.
There was a noise in the room that I could not identify. I asked the anesthesiologist what it was. He laughed and said "That's your baby crying!" I had never heard anything like that before! It was beautiful. She was beautiful. She was breathing, and crying, and perfect! She is our happy ending. She is now 10 years old. She doesn't replace any of her sisters or brothers, but God gave her to us as a testimony of his unending grace.
I was crying, and when we were alone, the nurse asked me why I was crying. I told her I was scared because I didn't know what was wrong (I was thinking tumor--cancer). I was completely floored when the doctor later told me that I had experienced an incomplete miscarriage (where the placenta is still in the uterus, even though the baby had been passed previously). It was a very early pregnancy--probably 6-8 weeks. My cyles were very irregular, and we had not even seriously discussed having a baby, so this was a real surprise. I was in such shock when I left the doctor's, I went to the school to pick up my pay check, and drove to two different banks before going home and calling James and then my mom. James left work and came straight home. My mom said she was afraid that that was the case.
Physically, in a few days, I was fine. Emotionally, it did a number on me. The strongest emotion I remember feeling besides grief was embarrassment--my body was not able to do what everyone else could. Since I had not known I was pregnant, people found out about everything all at once. I became convinced that I could fix it by having a baby. That became a very long journey.
At this time in our lives, God introduced the most caring, compassionate pastor that we had ever met--Rev. M. L. Walters, Jr. (the brother of our current pastor--Ken Walters). God had used tragedy in his life (the suicide of his son, David), to prepare him to help us deal with what we would be facing.
I was unable to get pregnant again. I went to my OB-GYN, and he put me on some pills. They did not help. I went through a blood workup and it was discovered that I suffered from polycystic ovary disease (instead of eggs being released from the ovary and going down the fallopian tube, they stick to the ovary) and could not ovulate. I decided to go to a fertility specialist because I could not go to my doctor and sit in a waiting room of pregnant women.
We met with the specialist in November. He was very surprised, but encouraged, that I had become pregnant on my own. Just for the sake of argument, he had me try another month of pills, and monitored me closely. There was no activity. Then came one of the more interesting trials. If I wanted to have a baby, I would have to undergo a two-week series of (very expensive) daily injections. You have to understand that I was deathly afraid of needles to appreciate the humor in this. Oh, the other part of this is that James had to give them to me every evening!
Every morning or so for the rest of the round, I had to go to the specialist and have blood drawn (another needle) to check my hormone levels, and sometimes an ultrasound to count the eggs as they matured (I actually had 23 follicles that responded, but my estrogen level only allowed for the possibility of three to release).
Finally, I was told to take the chemical that would cause me to ovulate. Then, it was time to wait.....that was the longest 4 weeks (they would not do a pregnancy test until 2 weeks after my cyle was late). My cycle did not come, but that was not unusual. I could not do a home test, because with my condition, they don't come out correctly. The day for the test came. It was positive! I was pregnant at last. I took the test with me and went straight to James' office to let him know, then I went to my mom's office (she worked for our family physician at the time, and one of the doctor's there was best buddies with my specialist). Our family was thrilled!
We had to wait 6 more weeks for an ultrasound. More waiting. The morning of the test, we arrived before the staff was even there. I was not feeling well, and the thought of someone pressing on my stomach was not something I was looking forward to, but I just had to see my baby. There was a nurse-midwife who worked for this doctor who had been through all of this herself--even had the same disease as me--and was the perfect person to work with me. She did my ultrasound that morning. I could see the monitor beside my head, she was at my side, and James was crouched down behind her. We all saw it at the same time--"there's one little heart beating...and there's another one!" What a shock! Thinking I would never have a baby to finding out that I was going to have two!! I remember it was a Wednesday, because we had church that night. James went to work, I went to my mom's office to show her the surprise, then I went to work and told everyone!! That was in February.
That year I was the school librarian, so it was not so much time on my feet, etc. My OB-GYN's office took excellent care of me. Even though I began my pregnancy overwight, they still were concerned that I did not gain a significant amount of weight. The babies were growing well, so there was no cause for alarm. By the end of the school year, I was 20 weeks, and my doctor said that it was time to take it easy. I was all for that.
It was Memorial Day weekend. We had a wedding at church on Saturday; our family drove to my brother's on Sunday, then back to my mom's house. We decided because I was so tired to spend the night at my mom's. I got up with James that Monday morning to drive him to work, then I headed home. As I pulled out of the driveway of his business, I went over the little bump, and I felt a pop. The whole way home I told myself that it was just a gas bubble. I talked and sang to the babies the whole way home, but I could not get the sense of dread out of my mind that something was wrong. When I got out of the car, fluid poured out of me. At first I thought I had wet my pants, but I couldn't make it stop. I knew. I pressed my knees together as hard as I could, and went into our house. I headed straight for the restroom, grabbing the phone on my way through. Then I tried to call my OB-GYN's office (8:30 on a Monday morning). I got the answering service. They had the doctor on call call me back. She didn't really think that my water had broken, but told me to go to the office and that someone would see me. I called James and my mom and they both met me there. The doctor did an ultrasound, and it was plainly visible that one of the amniotic sacs had a large tear in it. I was sent to the hospital where it was hoped that nothing further would happen. That was June 1.
The next day, I began to run a fever. That afternoon, contractions began. Despite everyone's efforts, Kimberly Joy Everette was born that evening. It was very quiet when she was born. She was immediately taken over to the warming station to be examined by a neonatologist. At 21 weeks, her lungs were too undeveloped, and there was nothing that could be done.
They brought her to me, and I was totally unprepared for what she looked like. She weighed 10 1/2 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long. She was beautiful. She looked just like James. I stared at her in my arms. She was alive, but so still. The nurse asked me a question, and when I answered her, Kimberly turned her face to me. She could hear me! We made the decision to keep her with us (they did volunteer to take her away), and we held her, and talked to her, and showed her to our family that had come. She lived for two hours, before her tiny heart stopped beating. We stayed in the delivery room, waiting to see if I would deliver the second twin. Several hours later, there were still no contractions, so I was sent back to my room to rest.
They day was uneventful and hopeful, until the contractions returned about 3:00 that afternoon. That night, Jamie Lynn Everette entered the room exactly 24 hours to the minute that her sister had died. She weighed two ounces more than Kimberly, and looked just like her mother. The OB-GYN called everyone he could think of while I was in labor to see if anyone felt that she could be viable, but the answer was the same. Two hours later, Jamie joined her sister in eternal slumber. It was 4:00 in the morning when I was returned to my room.
I stayed in the hospital one more day. We did not go home. We stayed at my mom's for a few days so that someone would be with me (James had to go to work). That Sunday, Pastor (M.L.) Walters held a graveside service for us. We buried the girls in the same coffin. It didn't look like a coffin; it looked like a styrofoam cooler that you buy for $2 at the store. The service was comforting and reassuring, and Pastor closed it by having everyone (about 40 people) sing "Jesus Loves Me".
After this, we went home. I tried to put my maternity clothes and the few baby things that we had bought away, but I couldn't touch it. I did not leave the house except to go to church or my Mom's. My parents took us on vacation the next month to help us "get over it". I decided that the best thing to do was to get pregnant again--soon. I was told to wait three months. I went back to the specialist's office, declaring that I was ready to try again.
Just as before, I conceived the very first month. Before Kimberly and Jamie's due date rolled around, I was once again pregnant with twins. In my deluded state, I suppose to escape the horrible reality that I had been through, I was even able to briefly convince myself that it hadn't happened--that it was still the same pregnancy. Fortunately, I snapped out of that.
Christmas came, and I was once again swelling as my babies grew. At the end of January in 1993, I had to be hospitalized with a non-pregnancy issue. I was on a Demerol pump for severe pain for three days. The morning I was to go home, I was feeling well. I was preparing to go home, when I was overcome with severe pain. That pain turned out to be dialation--to 5 centimeters. I called for the nurse, and everyone came quickly--including my OB. One of the sacs was bulging through. I was turned almost upside down to try to coax it back in. I was also given magnesium-sulfate to stop contractions. Unfortunately, this made me violently ill. As I threw up, my water broke. I turned to my mom to tell her, and she said she knew, everyone had heard it. At this point (20 weeks), the unthinkable was occurring again.
That afternoon, our daughter, Kelsey Rae, was stillborn (she had become tangled in her own cord). I was pretty out of it because of the Demoral, and I thought I heard our pastor praying. I was very embarrased because I was still in the stirrups. It turned out that when Kelsey was born dead that our OB (who is Catholic) baptized her and gave her last rites. I hold no ill-will toward him for this; rather I thought it was very sweet on his part to go this extra step for our precious little girl.
Again, labor ceased with her birth. I still had one more baby. The next day went well, and the next, and the next. Kelsey was born on a Tuesday. By Sunday, we were rejoicing that I was still pregnant. This baby had a chance.
That afternoon, the doctor told me that the infection that causes contractions when the water brakes was returning. They upped my antibiotics; they increased my anti-contraction medication. Sunday night was long and painful as the contractions continued. Monday morning, James came to be with me; I told him what was going on, and we did something that we hadn't had the opportunity to do.
We wrote a birth plan. Our child was coming, there was nothing we could do to stop it, so we made our wishes known. For the nurses, our situation was awkward, because we all knew what was going to happen. So to make it easy on them, James took it to the nurses' station. They couldn't believe that we had the presence of mind to do it. He told them that we had already done this three times so we knew what to expect. The doctor came to check on me around noon. He was quiet, and said he would be right back. The nurses came in very quickly. One of them gave me a shot for pain. I was a little confused because I had not been moved to delivery. He came back in very soon in scrubs. There was no time to move me. I protested that my water hadn't broke; he said it didn't matter that the baby could be born in the sac. I think he sensed that I was very upset about this, so he broke my water.
Our son, Joshua Ross, was born in less than five minutes. We were so surprised! A boy! I wouldn't believe it until I saw him for myself. He was our biggest--he weighed in at a hefty 14 1/4 ounces (almost a pound). He was quite large for a baby of his age. Size did not help him though, he was unable to breath. He also lived two hours. We made arrangements with the cemetary and the funeral home to exhume our daughter's coffin, dig the hole deeper, and re-inter them. As we did with Kimberly and Jamie, Kelsey and Joshua were buried in the same coffin, and theirs was placed on top of the other. All four babies are in the same grave waiting for the shout from heaven that will set them free. We decided that it would be best for my body to rest for a while. No more babies for now.
Eight months later, I experienced another "unexplainable" spontaneous pregnancy and miscarriage. I threw myself into work. I became as involved as possible with church and family activities. I also suffered from terrifying nightmares of the most horrible things happening to our beloved 18 month old nephew. I didn't sleep well for a long time. We joined two support groups, and that helped alot. In March of 1995, we read about a new medication that would aid in the conception for people with PCOD that had a lower risk of multiple births. After much prayer and discussion with family, we decided to try "one more time". The medication worked the first month, and the ultrasound revealed just one precious little beating heart.
I changed OB-GYN's this time--not because the others had done anything wrong; I just couldn't go in there again. My new doctors decided to perform a cerclage at 14 weeks--they stitched my cervix shut (under general anesthesia) to keep me from dialting. I was also put on partial bed rest. I was allowed to shower, go to the doctor, attend one church service a week (not even Sunday School and Sunday morning--only Sunday morning), and I could go to my parent's house and lie on their couch for a change of scenery and that was it. We had many ultrasounds done to make sure that everything was continuing on, and the baby did well.
I successfully passed 22 weeks, and breathed a little sigh of relief. I passed 28 weeks, and I was ready to party--even if my baby came then, they had a chance. The church threw a huge baby shower for us. That was the longest I had been up for quite a while. I was scheduled to be induced at 37 weeks on December 19. The day before, we went to the doctor. They did an ultrasound (I was measuring 42 weeks), and said that the baby was not big--just long.
They did an amniocentesis to make sure that the lungs were developed (no problem there), then they took out the stitches that had been put in so long before. I was sent home to walk, walk, walk. The next morning we went to the hospital and induction began. That was worse than any other labor I had ever experienced. Fortunately, the epidural worked; unfortunately, the induction did not. Sarah Rose Everette was delivered that evening by C-section at 6:05 p.m.
There was a noise in the room that I could not identify. I asked the anesthesiologist what it was. He laughed and said "That's your baby crying!" I had never heard anything like that before! It was beautiful. She was beautiful. She was breathing, and crying, and perfect! She is our happy ending. She is now 10 years old. She doesn't replace any of her sisters or brothers, but God gave her to us as a testimony of his unending grace.
I know this was very long, but it was a very long journey. This June, it will be 14 years since Kimberly and Jamie entered our lives. It never goes away. We did not lose them; we know where they are. Pastor M.L. Walters told us so many times "As long as you know where they are, you can never consider them lost. You did not lose them; they are your treasure in heaven."
Thank you again,
Valerie
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Amber's story
My story starts nearly a year ago.
My husband and I decided to try for number 3. We have a daughter 9 and a son 3 so we didn't mind what sex the baby was. My 2 other pregnancies were textbook, no problems or complications. I thought this one was going to go the same way when I found out we were pregnant first month trying, which was the case with our son also.
My daughter took about 3 months to conceive so I was happy that I didn’t have to wait it out! Everything was fine till about 9 weeks when I just had a feeling. There were no physical signs, just a feeling I had that something didn’t feel right. I thought I was just being paranoid.
One weekend in the afternoon I started to get cramping. I went to emergency and they took blood and did a pregnancy test. The blood results showed a high HCG level and the pregnancy test was positive. They asked me if I was bleeding and I said no. They told me to come back on Monday to see the gynecologist. The pain continued till Monday. When I went they did an ultrasound. They found that I had a blighted ovum. At the time they referred to it as an 'empty sac'. It was only later I found out its proper name and the cause. I was devastated. The doctor explained that this was usually a one off and not to be afraid to try again. I had to wait 3 weeks to pass the sac, placenta and all that went with it. I lost a lot of blood and went through similar to what you describe in your book. But the worst wasn’t over. When I went for an ultrasound to make sure it had all passed, there were still ‘retained products' so I had to be scheduled for an emergency D&C as they were worried about infection (it had been in there about 12 weeks now).
After the D&C I developed an infection anyway! My temperature rose to a scary level and I went into a fit and had to be admitted to hospital on an IV drip. SO, we waited one cycle as recommended and decided to try again. Once more we conceived first month trying. This time I was happy but very scared!
Things went fine for a few weeks. My HCG levels were being taken every few days and they were rising. Then I started to spot. I hadn’t spotted with the other miscarriage or any of my other children so this was new to me. Off I went to the doctor. He took blood. The next day I found out my HCG had dropped. He scheduled an ultrasound. At the ultrasound, the lady could find no signs of pregnancy at all (not even the formings of a sac), and even asked me if I was sure I was pregnant. By then I knew with the bleeding, the dropping levels and nothing on the ultrasound that I had lost this baby too.
When I went back to the doctor with the results he basically told me to 'go home and wait to miscarry' if I hadn’t already (those were his exact words!!!). I told him I had miscarried before and I knew what it was like and that although I was bleeding (quite heavily by now) that I hadn’t expelled the remains as yet. So for 2 WEEKS I sat at home waiting for this miscarriage. They were the roughest 2 weeks of my life ( I will go into detail in another email later). After 2 weeks of bleeding and no miscarriage I went back to the doctor and told him I couldn’t do this again and that I was so depressed, I wanted a D&C immediately. The anxiety/stress/depression of playing the waiting game AGAIN (like last time).....I couldn’t do it anymore.
I was scheduled in the next day. Before the D&C I was sent for an ultrasound just to see what might be going on in there. When I went for the ultrasound, the technician had no idea why I was in there and kindly announced that she could see the baby and had detected a heartbeat!! WHAT? I almost fell off the table. I explained to her why I was in there. She told me it looked like I had been misdiagnosed. She went quiet for a while and was just staring at her screen...I was thinking, what now? She then went on to discover in the ultrasound that I was having twins but one had died (thus the bleeding).
After this I went to see the doctor filled with many questions. I found out that I was bleeding because my body was trying to expel the dead baby. There was a risk that the other baby could die too. This was a common complaint with twin pregnancies where one baby had died. She told me there was nothing I could do but wait and hope that I could pass the tissue/remains of one baby without harming the other baby.....I was 7 weeks along. The reason for the HCG levels falling was that one baby had died. They later rose again!
One week later I went for another check up. Baby was still hanging in there even though I was now bleeding even heavier than a period and passing small to medium size clots. The baby hung in for another 2 weeks and I got to see it 3 times in total on the ultrasound growing and with its little heart beating (I have pictures too) before the last time at just on 10 weeks there was no heartbeat.
I had a D&C straight away as it was recommended because they didn’t want me to get another infection. I was so devastated. Even more so when the doctor told me that chances are it was a healthy baby (HCG levels rising, baby was growing normally) but just caught up in a bad twin pregnancy situation where it could have gone either way.
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about it. Losing a baby is so awful as it is but to be told that the baby was probably healthy just kills me inside, such a waste. I don’t ever want to be in that situation again. The not knowing what’s going to happen, and the waiting and praying that everything will go ok, when no one gives you any hope, especially the doctors.
I am so scared to try again for another baby after these 2 bad experiences. I am seeing a specialist now who seems to think that both these miscarriages were just 'bad luck' and sees no reason why this should happen again. I don’t want to go there for now. I have to go now and pick my daughter up from school.I have much more to
tell you.
Thank you for listening.
Amber
***
Hello again.
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Its so hard to find a moment long enough to sit down and concentrate on writing an email like this with children (as you would know).
The twins died in July this year. I found out I was pregnant in May. A few weeks later my friend found out she was pregnant too. She is now 6 months pregnant with her twins and due about 10 days after mine would have been due. She’s my closest friend since school so it’s hard to try and maintain the friendship. I tell her I’m not angry with her and I’m not jealous. I’m just sad (for myself only not her, of course, I’m happy for her but its just hard!).
And yes, I did tell my children I was pregnant. I even signed my son’s birthday card from all of us as well as 'mummy’s baby in the tummy' and the due date was written on the calendar too! My two-year old has no clue but my nine-year old mentions it often. The other day I was driving her to school and she said...'mummy, how old would the baby you lost be now? I told her about 6 weeks old. Then she said, "So really there should be 4 of us in the car now- you driving, me here next to you, Jordan over there, and the baby too-where would the baby be sitting"...that was kind of devastating!
And she often asks do I think it was a boy or girl...and also when she finds out someone is pregnant she ALWAYS says "Everyone is having babies mum...everyone except you" that breaks my heart too!
I wanted to tell you all the comments I got from family, friends and work mates after this happened. They are so hurtful and I will never forget them! They are etched in my mind 4ever.
1. You should have gotten your tubes tied when you were having the other operation, as surely you don’t want to have any more kids after all this. (This was said to me just hours after I had my operation to remove my dead babies).
2. You should go on the pill or use some sort of birth control to prevent this happening again. Why would I want to go on birth control to prevent pregnancy...I want another baby-some people have no idea!
3. Maybe this is a sign that your not suppose to have anymore children.
4. At least you have 2 children, be grateful for that (yes I am BUT it still doesn’t lessen the loss).
5. You can always try again (yes, BUT it’s so scary after all I have been through, and it won’t bring my lost babies back).
6. Why don’t you forget about having another one for a while and let your body heal. (Borderline hurtful comment - a friend trying to comfort me BUT all I want is to be pregnant again to try and recover what I have lost-you might know what I mean...it’s not to replace but just to try and heal the emptiness).
7. And then there are the people who don’t say anything at all. That’s sad too because it’s like they don’t care. Like its all gone and forgotten...hard to explain.
I went to a seminar here on Sunday (3 days ago) and a lady got up with a similar situation to me...she had lost babies and was still mourning 10 years later. She asked when all the pain would go away and when would she get over this...he gave her some good information that I took away with me...he said...."You will never get over it, losing a child or losing a loved one is an event that you don’t ever need to 'get over' BUT you do need to get on with it. Be strong for your other children - they need you". I was sitting there in my chair in absolute tears. It was like he was talking to me.
I think that is about all I have to say for now. Are you writing another book, or do you have a book to recommend to me? I enjoy reading on this subject; it makes me feel less alone.
Amber
My husband and I decided to try for number 3. We have a daughter 9 and a son 3 so we didn't mind what sex the baby was. My 2 other pregnancies were textbook, no problems or complications. I thought this one was going to go the same way when I found out we were pregnant first month trying, which was the case with our son also.
My daughter took about 3 months to conceive so I was happy that I didn’t have to wait it out! Everything was fine till about 9 weeks when I just had a feeling. There were no physical signs, just a feeling I had that something didn’t feel right. I thought I was just being paranoid.
One weekend in the afternoon I started to get cramping. I went to emergency and they took blood and did a pregnancy test. The blood results showed a high HCG level and the pregnancy test was positive. They asked me if I was bleeding and I said no. They told me to come back on Monday to see the gynecologist. The pain continued till Monday. When I went they did an ultrasound. They found that I had a blighted ovum. At the time they referred to it as an 'empty sac'. It was only later I found out its proper name and the cause. I was devastated. The doctor explained that this was usually a one off and not to be afraid to try again. I had to wait 3 weeks to pass the sac, placenta and all that went with it. I lost a lot of blood and went through similar to what you describe in your book. But the worst wasn’t over. When I went for an ultrasound to make sure it had all passed, there were still ‘retained products' so I had to be scheduled for an emergency D&C as they were worried about infection (it had been in there about 12 weeks now).
After the D&C I developed an infection anyway! My temperature rose to a scary level and I went into a fit and had to be admitted to hospital on an IV drip. SO, we waited one cycle as recommended and decided to try again. Once more we conceived first month trying. This time I was happy but very scared!
Things went fine for a few weeks. My HCG levels were being taken every few days and they were rising. Then I started to spot. I hadn’t spotted with the other miscarriage or any of my other children so this was new to me. Off I went to the doctor. He took blood. The next day I found out my HCG had dropped. He scheduled an ultrasound. At the ultrasound, the lady could find no signs of pregnancy at all (not even the formings of a sac), and even asked me if I was sure I was pregnant. By then I knew with the bleeding, the dropping levels and nothing on the ultrasound that I had lost this baby too.
When I went back to the doctor with the results he basically told me to 'go home and wait to miscarry' if I hadn’t already (those were his exact words!!!). I told him I had miscarried before and I knew what it was like and that although I was bleeding (quite heavily by now) that I hadn’t expelled the remains as yet. So for 2 WEEKS I sat at home waiting for this miscarriage. They were the roughest 2 weeks of my life ( I will go into detail in another email later). After 2 weeks of bleeding and no miscarriage I went back to the doctor and told him I couldn’t do this again and that I was so depressed, I wanted a D&C immediately. The anxiety/stress/depression of playing the waiting game AGAIN (like last time).....I couldn’t do it anymore.
I was scheduled in the next day. Before the D&C I was sent for an ultrasound just to see what might be going on in there. When I went for the ultrasound, the technician had no idea why I was in there and kindly announced that she could see the baby and had detected a heartbeat!! WHAT? I almost fell off the table. I explained to her why I was in there. She told me it looked like I had been misdiagnosed. She went quiet for a while and was just staring at her screen...I was thinking, what now? She then went on to discover in the ultrasound that I was having twins but one had died (thus the bleeding).
After this I went to see the doctor filled with many questions. I found out that I was bleeding because my body was trying to expel the dead baby. There was a risk that the other baby could die too. This was a common complaint with twin pregnancies where one baby had died. She told me there was nothing I could do but wait and hope that I could pass the tissue/remains of one baby without harming the other baby.....I was 7 weeks along. The reason for the HCG levels falling was that one baby had died. They later rose again!
One week later I went for another check up. Baby was still hanging in there even though I was now bleeding even heavier than a period and passing small to medium size clots. The baby hung in for another 2 weeks and I got to see it 3 times in total on the ultrasound growing and with its little heart beating (I have pictures too) before the last time at just on 10 weeks there was no heartbeat.
I had a D&C straight away as it was recommended because they didn’t want me to get another infection. I was so devastated. Even more so when the doctor told me that chances are it was a healthy baby (HCG levels rising, baby was growing normally) but just caught up in a bad twin pregnancy situation where it could have gone either way.
Not a day goes by when I don’t think about it. Losing a baby is so awful as it is but to be told that the baby was probably healthy just kills me inside, such a waste. I don’t ever want to be in that situation again. The not knowing what’s going to happen, and the waiting and praying that everything will go ok, when no one gives you any hope, especially the doctors.
I am so scared to try again for another baby after these 2 bad experiences. I am seeing a specialist now who seems to think that both these miscarriages were just 'bad luck' and sees no reason why this should happen again. I don’t want to go there for now. I have to go now and pick my daughter up from school.I have much more to
tell you.
Thank you for listening.
Amber
***
Hello again.
Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Its so hard to find a moment long enough to sit down and concentrate on writing an email like this with children (as you would know).
The twins died in July this year. I found out I was pregnant in May. A few weeks later my friend found out she was pregnant too. She is now 6 months pregnant with her twins and due about 10 days after mine would have been due. She’s my closest friend since school so it’s hard to try and maintain the friendship. I tell her I’m not angry with her and I’m not jealous. I’m just sad (for myself only not her, of course, I’m happy for her but its just hard!).
And yes, I did tell my children I was pregnant. I even signed my son’s birthday card from all of us as well as 'mummy’s baby in the tummy' and the due date was written on the calendar too! My two-year old has no clue but my nine-year old mentions it often. The other day I was driving her to school and she said...'mummy, how old would the baby you lost be now? I told her about 6 weeks old. Then she said, "So really there should be 4 of us in the car now- you driving, me here next to you, Jordan over there, and the baby too-where would the baby be sitting"...that was kind of devastating!
And she often asks do I think it was a boy or girl...and also when she finds out someone is pregnant she ALWAYS says "Everyone is having babies mum...everyone except you" that breaks my heart too!
I wanted to tell you all the comments I got from family, friends and work mates after this happened. They are so hurtful and I will never forget them! They are etched in my mind 4ever.
1. You should have gotten your tubes tied when you were having the other operation, as surely you don’t want to have any more kids after all this. (This was said to me just hours after I had my operation to remove my dead babies).
2. You should go on the pill or use some sort of birth control to prevent this happening again. Why would I want to go on birth control to prevent pregnancy...I want another baby-some people have no idea!
3. Maybe this is a sign that your not suppose to have anymore children.
4. At least you have 2 children, be grateful for that (yes I am BUT it still doesn’t lessen the loss).
5. You can always try again (yes, BUT it’s so scary after all I have been through, and it won’t bring my lost babies back).
6. Why don’t you forget about having another one for a while and let your body heal. (Borderline hurtful comment - a friend trying to comfort me BUT all I want is to be pregnant again to try and recover what I have lost-you might know what I mean...it’s not to replace but just to try and heal the emptiness).
7. And then there are the people who don’t say anything at all. That’s sad too because it’s like they don’t care. Like its all gone and forgotten...hard to explain.
I went to a seminar here on Sunday (3 days ago) and a lady got up with a similar situation to me...she had lost babies and was still mourning 10 years later. She asked when all the pain would go away and when would she get over this...he gave her some good information that I took away with me...he said...."You will never get over it, losing a child or losing a loved one is an event that you don’t ever need to 'get over' BUT you do need to get on with it. Be strong for your other children - they need you". I was sitting there in my chair in absolute tears. It was like he was talking to me.
I think that is about all I have to say for now. Are you writing another book, or do you have a book to recommend to me? I enjoy reading on this subject; it makes me feel less alone.
Amber
Monday, December 7, 2009
Shawnna's story
My husband & I found out we were pregnant in Feb. 2005. We were so excited, but of course, scared to death. From the moment I took the pregnancy test, I knew I was going to have a baby girl. I was so excited because I had not had a good childhood and did not have a relationship with my mother (which now I do because of my angle). I could not wait to do all the things that I had missed out on with my mother. My husband said I was crazy & wondered how I could possibly know I was having a girl when I was only 6 weeks along. I called the doctor & scheduled my first appointment, and it was set for two weeks later.
The day of my appointment I was really nervous. I really wanted to hear my baby's heartbeat, but knew that it was too soon. However, to my joy, they went ahead & did an ultrasound, & there was my little peanut, flickering heart & all. I left my appointment feeling great, like I was on cloud nine. I had had no morning sickness at the time. I had a wonderful husband & we were going to have the perfect baby, or so I thought.
Within two weeks of that appointment, the morning sickness hit, and boy did it hit. I was in & out of the hospital several times for dehydration, so finally they put me on medicine to stop me from vomiting. I lived off of the medicine. Without it, I was in bed. At the time of going to the hospital, my doctor always made me feel like I was bothering her. I was a scared first time mother, thinking she new what was best for me, so I never said anything, even to my husband.
Well, the weeks passed. I still had morning sickness, but my medicine became my best friend. At every appointment, it was the same thing, check my weight & listen to the baby's heartbeat. It came time for our 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited because I could finally prove my husband wrong, and that I knew we were having a girl the whole time. My husband, myself, and my older brother all went to the doctor's office. While I was lying there on the table, I was thinking life could not get much better than this. After about 5 minutes of waiting, the technician came in & we got started. First he looked at the heart, all 4 chambers, then came the kidneys, next the spine, everything was great. Finally the moment I was waiting for..."It's a girl!" I was so happy. We went home and told everyone.
At 28 weeks, we went and had the 4D ultrasound done, which is something I truly treasure because we received a video tape that day & that was the only time I ever saw my beautiful daughter's eyes & smile.
When I hit 36 weeks, I started to notice that it felt like I was going to the bathroom on myself. So at about 10pm, my husband & I head off to the hospital, because I was soaking a pad about every two hours. When we got there a nurse did a strip test to see if I was leaking. The test came back bright blue, I was leaking. They admitted me & said get some rest because you will have a big day tomorrow. I was only dilated to 1cm but she could already feel my daughter's head. I will never forget her saying she has hair. I did not get any sleep that night. I was too excited.
The next morning my doctor came in & very rudely said, "What are you doing here?" I told her that I had been leaking. She said, "Let's just check," even though they already had. She checked me & said, "No, it is just a yeast infection." I should have spoken up. If I had, my baby might have been here today. (See, as a young girl, I had some very bad things happen to me & have had atleast 2 yeast infections a month since I was 3 years old).
Anyway, my doctor sent me home. When I left the hospital, I knew something was not right, but not wanting to make my doctor mad...I didn't say anything. That was on Monday. On Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment. I was still leaking. By this time I was soaking a pad every 30 minutes to an hour. At my doctor's appointment my blood pressure was high, but my doctor dismissed it saying, "I was scared of my nurse." I did not know at the time, but that is a sign of labor. I told her I was still leaking & she told me that it was my infection.
Monday morning of October 10th I woke up not feeling well. It was about 2am & I got sick. As I was vomiting, I felt my daughter kick for the very last time. I remember that it was so painful that I doubled over. At about 5am my contractions started. I woke my husband up & we started timing them, thinking that we were going to have our baby girl today. At about 7am, we went to the hospital so excited. I remember on the way over saying a prayer that our daughter would be born safely. We got there & they put me on the monito, but there was no heartbeat. She looked & looked. At that time, I was not scared, thinking the baby was hiding. Then she pulled out the ultrasound machine. And there was nothing. I can still hear my husband say, "Where is her heartbeat?" The nurse turned off the machine & went & got my doctor. I will never forget how she treated us. She walked in & said, "I just told her to check you & send you home because you were in here so much." Well, they sent me to a room & my husband went out to meet his mom & dad. Everything is a blur from then on. I can remember family coming in & out & my wonderful nurse. I remember them saying, "It is time to push." I did not want to, but at that point I had already been in labor for 20 hours. So we started. About 10 pushes later, she was here. My Elieanna. They handed her to me & I could hear my husband & best friend crying over everyone else. I looked at her & had to give her to my husband. I could not believe that my baby was not crying, & was dead. I felt like another one would be coming out that would be mine, and that this one was not mine. When my husband took her, I know I broke his heart when I said that I did not want to hold her. I was in shock. After about 10 minutes, reality set in & I wanted my baby girl. The little girl that I carried for 9 months - that little peanut - that grew to be so beautiful.
Out Elie was born at 9:55 pm weighing 6 lbs. 9 oz. and was 18 1/2 in. long. We kept her for about 5 hours, and then we knew we had to let her go. Everyone got to see her & take pictures with her. When we gave her up, we felt at peace that God was with us & she was with Him. The next morning when it was time to leave, I remember feeling so empty as they wheeled me out. All I had was a teddy bear to hold.
The next few days were a blur & then came her funeral. That was one of the hardest days of my life. Afterwards we went back to the church for a lunch with family & friends. My brother-in-laws made us a slide show of all the pictures. I love this video.
Not a day goes by that we do not think about our Elie. My mother-in-law & I still go to the cemetery every week & change the flowers & clean her headstone. It's our way of taking care of her. She is still very much a part of our family & always will be. Only 3 months after we lost Elie, we found out that we were pregnant & that our son was due on our daughter's birthday. We feel that it's Elie's way of saying, "You can't give me a gift, so I'm sending you one."
If there is one thing that I can tell people, it would be "Speak Up!" You are a mother & you have those mother instincts from the minute you find out that you are expecting. Use your VOICE!
The day of my appointment I was really nervous. I really wanted to hear my baby's heartbeat, but knew that it was too soon. However, to my joy, they went ahead & did an ultrasound, & there was my little peanut, flickering heart & all. I left my appointment feeling great, like I was on cloud nine. I had had no morning sickness at the time. I had a wonderful husband & we were going to have the perfect baby, or so I thought.
Within two weeks of that appointment, the morning sickness hit, and boy did it hit. I was in & out of the hospital several times for dehydration, so finally they put me on medicine to stop me from vomiting. I lived off of the medicine. Without it, I was in bed. At the time of going to the hospital, my doctor always made me feel like I was bothering her. I was a scared first time mother, thinking she new what was best for me, so I never said anything, even to my husband.
Well, the weeks passed. I still had morning sickness, but my medicine became my best friend. At every appointment, it was the same thing, check my weight & listen to the baby's heartbeat. It came time for our 20 week ultrasound. I was so excited because I could finally prove my husband wrong, and that I knew we were having a girl the whole time. My husband, myself, and my older brother all went to the doctor's office. While I was lying there on the table, I was thinking life could not get much better than this. After about 5 minutes of waiting, the technician came in & we got started. First he looked at the heart, all 4 chambers, then came the kidneys, next the spine, everything was great. Finally the moment I was waiting for..."It's a girl!" I was so happy. We went home and told everyone.
At 28 weeks, we went and had the 4D ultrasound done, which is something I truly treasure because we received a video tape that day & that was the only time I ever saw my beautiful daughter's eyes & smile.
When I hit 36 weeks, I started to notice that it felt like I was going to the bathroom on myself. So at about 10pm, my husband & I head off to the hospital, because I was soaking a pad about every two hours. When we got there a nurse did a strip test to see if I was leaking. The test came back bright blue, I was leaking. They admitted me & said get some rest because you will have a big day tomorrow. I was only dilated to 1cm but she could already feel my daughter's head. I will never forget her saying she has hair. I did not get any sleep that night. I was too excited.
The next morning my doctor came in & very rudely said, "What are you doing here?" I told her that I had been leaking. She said, "Let's just check," even though they already had. She checked me & said, "No, it is just a yeast infection." I should have spoken up. If I had, my baby might have been here today. (See, as a young girl, I had some very bad things happen to me & have had atleast 2 yeast infections a month since I was 3 years old).
Anyway, my doctor sent me home. When I left the hospital, I knew something was not right, but not wanting to make my doctor mad...I didn't say anything. That was on Monday. On Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment. I was still leaking. By this time I was soaking a pad every 30 minutes to an hour. At my doctor's appointment my blood pressure was high, but my doctor dismissed it saying, "I was scared of my nurse." I did not know at the time, but that is a sign of labor. I told her I was still leaking & she told me that it was my infection.
Monday morning of October 10th I woke up not feeling well. It was about 2am & I got sick. As I was vomiting, I felt my daughter kick for the very last time. I remember that it was so painful that I doubled over. At about 5am my contractions started. I woke my husband up & we started timing them, thinking that we were going to have our baby girl today. At about 7am, we went to the hospital so excited. I remember on the way over saying a prayer that our daughter would be born safely. We got there & they put me on the monito, but there was no heartbeat. She looked & looked. At that time, I was not scared, thinking the baby was hiding. Then she pulled out the ultrasound machine. And there was nothing. I can still hear my husband say, "Where is her heartbeat?" The nurse turned off the machine & went & got my doctor. I will never forget how she treated us. She walked in & said, "I just told her to check you & send you home because you were in here so much." Well, they sent me to a room & my husband went out to meet his mom & dad. Everything is a blur from then on. I can remember family coming in & out & my wonderful nurse. I remember them saying, "It is time to push." I did not want to, but at that point I had already been in labor for 20 hours. So we started. About 10 pushes later, she was here. My Elieanna. They handed her to me & I could hear my husband & best friend crying over everyone else. I looked at her & had to give her to my husband. I could not believe that my baby was not crying, & was dead. I felt like another one would be coming out that would be mine, and that this one was not mine. When my husband took her, I know I broke his heart when I said that I did not want to hold her. I was in shock. After about 10 minutes, reality set in & I wanted my baby girl. The little girl that I carried for 9 months - that little peanut - that grew to be so beautiful.
Out Elie was born at 9:55 pm weighing 6 lbs. 9 oz. and was 18 1/2 in. long. We kept her for about 5 hours, and then we knew we had to let her go. Everyone got to see her & take pictures with her. When we gave her up, we felt at peace that God was with us & she was with Him. The next morning when it was time to leave, I remember feeling so empty as they wheeled me out. All I had was a teddy bear to hold.
The next few days were a blur & then came her funeral. That was one of the hardest days of my life. Afterwards we went back to the church for a lunch with family & friends. My brother-in-laws made us a slide show of all the pictures. I love this video.
Not a day goes by that we do not think about our Elie. My mother-in-law & I still go to the cemetery every week & change the flowers & clean her headstone. It's our way of taking care of her. She is still very much a part of our family & always will be. Only 3 months after we lost Elie, we found out that we were pregnant & that our son was due on our daughter's birthday. We feel that it's Elie's way of saying, "You can't give me a gift, so I'm sending you one."
If there is one thing that I can tell people, it would be "Speak Up!" You are a mother & you have those mother instincts from the minute you find out that you are expecting. Use your VOICE!
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